I feel horrible…why?

I’m crying… and this is stupid, but now I’ve got to write it out.  I was going to get this bookcase that had no shelves, to use in a raised bed gardening system.  Well, I guess I was supposed to email her with a promise to pick it up on Friday, and i got it in my head that I was supposed to email her with WHEN I would pick it up on Friday, so I called Tuesday and left her a message that I could pick it up that day, but since I hadn’t emailed her on Monday with my promise to pick up, she gave it to someone else on Tuesday.  Monday… dammit, after I got off the phone with her, I’d spent so much time talking to her that I couldn’t make dinner, I ended up throwing a lasanga in the microwave and making frozen raviolis.  Then Becca had to go to Karate, and I just needed a break, so I took her then went and read the paper at Raley’s (supermarket in the area.)  I had Alex, but she’s pretty easy, though she got a little fussy near the time it was time to go.  I never did get back on the computer that night, I don’t think I even wrote an entry on Monday, that’s how little time I had on the computer.  So now this woman thinks I’m a flake, and I just got busy, confused about what I was supposed to do.  However, we got a foreclosure notice in the mail the other day, and I don’t know, I just DON’T KNOW if we can save this house or if we’re going to have to move, and if so, where?  I’m in no way ready to move.  I want to stay here!  So I think that figures into it… I think somewhere in my head, I got this idea that if I got this bookcase, it would signal somehow that we needed to stay here so I could learn to garden already.  Sigh.  And Becca’s going "I’m not going to share a bedroom with my sisters."  To which the reply is "Bec, you may not have a choice."  I do not know in my heart of hearts if I can handle this!  It would take something along the lines of a miracle at this point to save this house.  I thought… one was coming, but now I’m just not so sure.

I’m very frightened.  And I get this email at 4 in the morning, as I’m trying to pump.  I went to bed at 11, pretty good for me, but woke up and knew I’d better pump, or risk you know what.  So maybe I’m just tired and emotional.  I have seriously been trying not to think about this.

But then, I think another piece to this is, AM I a flake?  Dammit.  I am WAY too frigging stressed for my own good, and Shabree, she’s not helping.  But yea, I find myself just wanting to lay in bed all freaking day long, getting up ONLY to make meals.  I think I just am not too proud of myself right now, and yea, I feel the tears overwhelming me again.  Whether or not I have an "excuse" to be this way, I don’t LIKE myself this way.  I wish I knew what was going to happen, I wish I knew it would all be fixed, and I don’t, and it messes with me.  I think I am probably using a whole lot of energy not to think, not to worry. 
Yea, I don’t know.  I am NOT going to be able to go back to bed now, because I’m just going to lie there thinking about things.  And I feel like I ought to go DO something anyway, just so I don’t feel quite so crappy about myself.  I guess this is NOT about the bookcase at all… it has a lot more to do with my flaws, and my situation.  Plus, I’m just SO ready for the kids to go back to school.  SO ready.  I’m really sick and tired of Shabree and Sydni fighting, though today Syd was gone, and I was sick and tired of Shabree treating Sammi like crap because Sammi wanted to play with Shabree.  Then we had something of a fight today, because she didn’t do ONE THING I asked her to do, and she was yelling at me, so I started yelling at her.  I finally grounded her to her room.  Oh, it was ugly.  She won’t GO to her room, so I’m dragging this 68 pound kid to her room, telling her that if I hurt her, it’s her own darn fault for not WALKING.  She was so defiant, if her room had a lock on it, I’d have used it!  And then 5 mintues later she comes out of her room to my room, saying "I’m sorry Mommy."  Then wailing how MEAN I was for not accepting her apology.  I was like "What are you sorry for, Shabree?  For how MEAN you’re being to Sammi?  For not doing anything you’ve been asked/told to do?  For yelling at me?  What are you sorry for?"  I mean, I was SO mad.  And I’m thinking to myself "Sorry won’t cut it, it’s not good enough for what you’ve just put me through."  That child… she got on the phone with Jerry, who threatened her with standing in the corner all day, and she told him she wasn’t going to stand in the corner all day.  I realized at some point she NEEDED a nap.  She barely got any sleep last night, so I made her sleep finally, take a nap with the rest of us (only *I* couldn’t sleep, dammit!) and of COURSE after that, she was fine.  But it just wasn’t a good day to have, fighting with her.  She’s always had a mind of her own, but boy… she doesn’t like to be asked to do anything, and I guess she doesn’t want to do well in school anymore, because she refuses to do her sight words, tells me they’re missing (I swear to God she misplaces them on purpose so she doesn’t have to do them.)  I’m so bloody DONE with her attitude.  ALL of their attitudes.

I need more of a break than just going to Raley’s… and I’m not sure how/where to get said break.  Maybe I’m slipping into a depression, because even scrapbooking doesn’t appeal to me.  NOTHING appeals to me.  I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. 
Yea, that would kind of signal a depression… though it IS near 5 a.m. and I’m operating on 5 hours sleep, and yesterday I got maybe 5 hours.  I’m TIRED.  I fell asleep yesterday, and I guess the baby was crying, so Shabree came and got her, but I don’t know why, because the minute she got back to her room with her, she woke me up to tell me she had her.  I didn’t mind being woke up, I needed to BE up.  However, WHY did she take her, that’s what I was wondering?  Why not just wake me up and tell me that the baby was crying?  I mean, it’s like she wanted to let me sleep… only she woke me up right away.  Then she hurt her foot on something in her room and she doesn’t LIKE it when she bleeds, so I made her bring the baby back to me, and she got herself a bandaid.  I mean, the kid FREAKS OUT when she bleeds, and it is usually really minor. 

I wonder if I went back to bed, having hashed most of this out, if I would be able to get some more sleep, or if I’m going to just lie there WISHING I could sleep?  The thought of doing dishes makes me want to go back to sleep… actually, I’m not sure what it would do to my hands if I did the dishes, but Becca has been doing the LEAST she can get away with, and the stupid dishwasher doesn’t work so well, so the top rack is usually just coated in the garbage that Becca refuses to rinse off the dishes… there was a SWARM of ants in the bottom of the dishwasher from the food that fell there because Becca didn’t rinse the dishes.  Nice, huh?  I’m so frustrated with the kids.  Easier to do it myself, but then, do they l

earn?  No, they learn that mom’s a pushover and if they resist enough, she’ll do it for them.  Grrrr.

Well, I’d better at least get off the computer.  This has helped some, but I’ve been up for an hour now, and I’m wishing I’d not gotten out of bed, though I HAD to pump.  So much for being proud that I got to bed at a decent hour.  Some times I time going to bed at 3 because I know it’ll be 4 hours til 7, though I don’t usually get up til 8.  Actually, 5 hours seems to be my minimum.  I have to have 5 hours.  But too many days in a row (like this) of it, and I’m a walking zombie who’s testy and irritable. 

I’m going to TRY and go back to bed.  If I can’t sleep for whatever reason, THEN I will get back up and be productive, and I won’t even feel guilty when I take a nap later.