GAH! Shabree…

She is PUSHING the boundaries.  Pushing, and pushing and pushing.  And I’m pretty much DONE letting her get away with it.  Having one or two or three kids, it’s easy to keep them in check.  And when they’re little, they want to please.  Plus, she has two older sisters, one who is a pretty snotty teenager, and they see this behavior, and they think "Oh, she does it, I can do it too."  NO.  However, adding in two more kids, one who is nursing, and it gets REALLY hard to check each and every behavior, to go and correct it all.  So you start picking and choosing your battles, and they learn pretty quick that they can push and mom’s so tired that mom just gives in… it’s easier when mom has such a lot on her plate!  Shabree’s behavior has been just BAD lately.  I know I said she was unhelpful, but she’s rude to me, snotty, challenging, and disrespectful to an extreme.  We had quite a battle at bedtime, with both Shabree AND Sydni.  Bedtime is the worst, the ABSOLUTE worst time of the day.  I don’t know if it’s just that they’re tired, completely off their schedule due to being off track, or just that they THINK they have a RIGHT to stay up as late as they want, but bedtime is hell.  It’s been hell for ages.  It’s not easy to put 4 kids to bed.  Sydni especially is rotten about bedtime, because she ALWAYS gets up… to tell us something, to get a drink, to go to the bathroom, because she’s not dressed, because, because, because.  She has excuse after excuse after…well, you GET the idea.  She drives me batty, because you can SEND her to bed at 8, but she’ll still be up at 10!  Then in the morning she’s crabby and resentful, and impossible to deal with.  And Shabree… I’ve never, ever wanted to spank a kid so badly in my life!  I swear to GOD she needs it!  But I spanked her once, and honestly, it did no good… she was just in hysterics, and the hysterics continued.  She has these FITS of anger, I mean, they’re bad.

I guess I’d really better see about that therapist, because I swear, it’s out of control.  I can’t send her to her room, and I can’t put her in her room, because first she won’t go, and second because a minute later, she’s popping out to tell me she has something to say.  ALWAYS something to say.  I get so TIRED of hearing it.  I tell her "Shabree, I just want your obedience, not your apologies."  I don’t think I’m a bad mom.  I think I’m a pretty good mom actually.  But she’s really got me going.  She’s a challenge.  I saw it coming too… I knew, well, in the hospital, the nurses commented on her temper.  Boy, if she was hungry, she screamed, and let you know.  Jerry said "Don’t tell her that, or she’ll think she has a temper."  I’m telling you… the kid has a TEMPER.  Well… she gets that naturally enough from me, and my family.  I struggle sometimes to maintain my temper.  And then there was her…well, attitude from day one with her older sisters.  She NEVER let them tell her what to do…and to this day she yells at them "You can’t tell me what to do!"  I mean, she is not a kid to take crap from anyone!  On the other hand, this is part of the problem with the disrepsectful attitude, because she will stand in front of me and tell ME I can’t tell her what to do, or she’ll yell at me "NO!" when I tell her to do something.  Some days,  I don’t even know what to do with her… it’s a battle of the wills, and typically I "win" IF you can call it that.  I have to be bigger, meaner, and sometimes a downright bitch with her to get her to do what I want, and I don’t LIKE myself that way.  She pushes my buttons, that’s for darn sure.  And I can’t honestly say that I like her much when she’s acting like that, and it probably shows, and then she reacts from it.  Maybe.  I suppose I can psychoanalyze it to death, and it’s not going to change the fact that there is a problem, and it’s ongoing, and whatever I am doing is not working.  This "family dynamic" is going to affect Sammi next, and for now, it’s all good, because she’s 2 and just wants to please, but just wait til she hits 4 and starts to mimic this bad behavior.  I mean, it’s bad enough when Becca does it, but you kind of expect it, because she’s a TEENAGER, but to get it from a 6 year old!  And then of course, she just gets all KINDS of attention from all the bad behavior… but it’s not like I don’t give her attention when she’s good.  She is my near constant companion, and always welcome to be around.  Like I said… GAH.  I’ve got to do something.  And I’ve got to do it soon.  I keep procrastinating.  I simply forget all these things I’ve got to do.  I’ve been such a freaking slacker lately.  It’s not exactly a pretty trait.  Nothing to be proud of. I did unload the dishwasher, and I did clean off the countertop… then I went and took a nap.  My sleep schedule is completely screwed again.  I can’t seem to sleep unless I’m completely exhausted… half of it’s emotional, because I don’t want to think when I lay down, and half of it’s habit.  I’m pretty frustrated with myself too, I have to admit.  I feel like a zombie, and I am probably not giving Shabree the attention she needs, because she wants me to take her to the park, which I hate, she wants me to play house with her, but I’m bored to tears with that (and tired too!).  She doesn’t want to do what I want to do, and I don’t want to do what she wants to do…and also, she wants to watch tv constantly, which bores me to tears, AND she’s getting virtually no exercise… she and I ought to start getting out together for walks or something.  Plus, tv just doesn’t feel like "being together"  It feels like we’re disconnected.  God, I hate being this honest with myself.  I wish I felt like a better person.  I’m just avoiding a lot of things I don’t want to face, or think about, or deal with.  But burying my head in the sand is going to get me nothing but trouble.  Honestly though…it’s all going to work out.  I don’t know how, but it will.  Still… the therapy is a good idea, and I THINK I will write down a "to do" list, and I will TAPE it up, so I can’t miss it, so I am reminded every time I am in here, and I will have to do it, or face my conscience, which obviously is already squirming enough… no reason to make it squirm more.  Therein lies part of the "problem."  I KNOW right from wrong, and I’m not doing enough to take the "right" path, and I’m doing too much to take the path of least resistance.  It may not be "wrong" per se… but it sure as hell isn’t "right."  To think people used to live with such HONOR, righteousness.  They may have been misguided at times, and certainly erred on the side of their righteousness, but at least they TRIED to be the best people they could be.  Well… maybe that’s just the way it’s portrayed in books, I don’t know.  But we do certainly as a society too often take the path of least resistance, and it IS going to bite us in the butt some day.  Though I am suspectin

g that "some day" might be now.  I have begun to wonder if God exists because Humans created Him.  If we do indeed create our own reality… then perhaps we created God… in our own image, only it would be the best of what we are.  It seems like God gets nicer, as we get nicer.  So perhaps we are creating circumstances that would lead to "Armegeddon." so that we, as a race, have to grow up, and "get a life" as it were.  Sometimes I wonder… perhaps we’ve just had it backwards all this time.  Also… let’s say God DOES exist, and He IS our "Heavenly
Father" and we are all just children under God.  What happens when we grow up?  Hm?  What happens?  I mean, you can’t live with your parents forever, can you?  I don’t know if that analogy fits, but I suspect that there is some truth to it.  Children are really good at creating fantasy lives for themselves.  So perhaps we created a God, so we’d have someone to lean on in good times, and for some of us, the bad… someone to blame when things don’t go our way… basically… to take the responsibility for having to take care of ourselves away from us.  I mean, how often do you hear people say "Give it to God and let God handle it"?  It’s a crazy theory, but I’ve gone two years…TWO YEARS without an income, despite constant praying that Jerry would close a deal.  Okay, perhaps it was ALL a pipe dream.  Perhaps the failure lies with us, and our inability to "believe" it would happen… but God sure wasn’t there rewarding Jerry for his hard work.  Things have been ok, and for that, I am incredibly grateful.  I don’t "blame" God for Jerry not closing a deal.  I just don’t know that there ever WAS a God to "allow" Jerry to close a deal.  And I’m not bitter about that, I just… wonder.  I would love it if there was a God.  A kind and loving God.  Jerry has done NOTHING to not deserve this.  He’s worked hard, he’s put the effort in.  He’s a good person, he loves his family, he pays attention to us… a little less these days, but he’s there when I need him, and so I’m okay with the amount that he works.  He, of all the people I know DESERVES to be rewarded for his efforts.  What lesson is there really to be learned from all this, if indeed "God" is teaching us some great and powerful lesson?  Okay, granted, I have learned a lot.  I have most certainly learned what I DON’T need.  Or think I need.  I have learned that family is all I really need.  But I’m not sure I NEEDED this "great and powerful Oz" character to teach me that particular lesson… so WHO is behind that curtain?  LOL… Yea, humans need God.  But I have really begun to think that the power lies with us, not with "God" who if he exists, exists because Humans brought Him into existence to fulfill their need to have someone above them, someone better than them to teach them the lessons they need to know.  I feel like my spirit is ready to move on from Earth… which I am also beginning to think is a very low level "Start your spiritual journey here" planet.  I am starting to think when you progress past a certain point, or "grow up" and you don’t need "God" anymore, that perhaps you start to reincarnate on a different "higher level" planet.  When I say my spirit is ready to move on, I don’t mean NOW… I mean when it’s my time to go.  Just so we’re clear.  And where I get these ideas, I don’t know.  They mostly just come to me unbidden.  And if I’m wrong, then I’m just wrong.  Really, no harm no foul.  I’m just trying out some different theories to see which ones feel right.  The concept of "God" is just so… well, flawed.  But, far be it from me to think I know everything.  LOL… a wise man once said "The wise man knows that he knows nothing." – Socrates.  Now, THERE’S a man I’d love to have dinner and some conversation with… the man who "corrupted the young."  YEA!  I’m such a coward, lol… maybe I shouldn’t laugh, but I just HATE to think of anyone not liking me, especially for my "CRAZY’ ideas.  And they are a bit nutty, in this day and age.  I just wonder though, if this is the type of planet that’ll ever evolve to that level.  I mean, we’ve already evolved a great deal as humans, and come a long way, but we have so far to go… and if you do start reincarnating to a different planet once you reach a certain point… oh wait.  I know… some people come back to teach and lead, and try to "force" the evolution a bit.  Hm… people like Obama… maybe.  I do get that sense about him though. 

Well…that was unexpected.  I do think I might have just had some sort of "channeling" thing going on.  Well, I actaully think that happens to me a lot, and I’m not really "aware" of it.  I used to think I was talking to God as I walked to high school.  I’d ask questions, and I’d get answers, and it’s not the type of thing where you think you’re crazy, because I’m asking intelligent questions (as is my nature) and getting thoughtful, intelligent answers back, things I don’t think I would think of by myself.  It’s a WEIRD feeling to describe… but I guess if you pray, and get a "sense" of what God wants from you, it would be the same thing.   Though I get straight answers.  They just pop into my head, as if spoken to me.  Then, there’s a sense of another being, one that is loving towards me, and sometimes even teases and jokes with me, and at times, even comforts me.  I had quite a start one day, surfing the net, because I came across someone who had Tor as a title, and my spirit guide is Tia Tor.. and the Tors are about bringing money to others around them (which I am STILL trying to figure out what the doggone BLOCK is right now!) and this referenced money somehow, and something just went "click" with me.  I’d NEVER run across anything like it… and I am wondering if it would be toooo crazy to email this person and ask about the Tor thing I saw.  It would lend some credence to what I’ve experienced if I could get some independant… what’s the word I want?  That, yes, they are a Tor, or that they have a spirit guide who is one.  I used to go by Tiator, because I was told that she was a future incarnation of myself… me, only more evolved, lol (the essence that makes up me anyway.)  I started to wonder if THAT’S who I was talking to all the times I thought I was talking to God as I walked to school (eating my cup o noodles… what a breakfast!)  I was just thinking "What a reality I live in."

I don’t know what to do about Jerry…. I refuse to FORCE him into a job just because I need "security."  I refuse to take away his dream.  I don’t know that I honestly believe he can do this, but he does.  I want him to be happy… he may not believe that (due to the lack of um…"relations") but I do.  I don’t think he’d be "miserable" in a corporate job, but I can’t seem him happy in that eithe

r.  Getting a "job" isn’t going to save the house now anyway.  It’s going to take something along the lines of a miracle to do that.  And God or no God, miracles do exist, they have happened, so I will keep the faith.  But it needs to be Jerry’s decision to get a job.  I’ll be all right.  Hey… no matter what, I have him, and I have the kids, and right there, that is ALL I need.  I know I’ve been saying that a lot lately, maybe as much to reinforce it for myself as to say it here, but it’s true. 

We were going to go to McDonald’s tomorrow, but after tonight, no way.  It’s too bad too.  I was looking forward to getting something done on a page.  I guess I should clean a table off and just work on them here.  I could do that tonight even, if I would just get off this computer! 

LOL… wrote that last paragraph before I wrote most of the previous ones… can you tell?  I think I will get off the computer though, and see if I can get some creativity going, or at least some cleaning.  I am a tad burnt out, so a layout may be out of the question.  Maybe I’ll just try to get some pictures uploaded for some family and friends, or get started on a family blog I want to do for the benefit of extended family members (Jerry’s concerns about security be DAMNED… that IS one point I’m kind of frustrated with him about.)  I think I’m going to keep that off OD though… don’t want family stumbling onto THIS diary… yikes!  That would be SO uncool.  I’d have to go faves only for sure.  I swear, this diary provides most, if not all, of my therapy.  It definitely keeps me going, especially when under pressure.