All caught up

On my reading… those of you who update multiple times a day (and you know who you are) really set me behind!  That’s OK though, I love reading you.  I just find I can’t go a day without reading, or I’ve got 20 entries to catch up on!  And that’s just within a day or two.  I don’t even think I have THAT many people that I read.  I can’t bring myself to get rid of anyone either… my true "favorites" all update multiple times a day, and those that are just sort of "like to reads" will update every so often, and so it’s not really like I feel that it’s THAT important to get rid of them.  Besides, some of it’s just so… well, I KNOW you guys, and I hang on every word.  I WANT to know what’s going on with you.  Even the ones who never read me back.  I don’t "get" that whole thing anyway, like a person MUST read you if you read them… what’s up with that anyway?  It’s a jerky attitude to have.  Now, I do tend to stick with the people that have pretty positive attitudes towards life.  They may not be happy with the status quo (Greywolf), but in general, they try to look on the bright side.  I had this one fave for a bit, I finally had to take her off, because she just could NOT be happy for nothin!  Her DH drove her nuts, she hated her life, she was continually miserable and making drama on OD… sad, sad, sad.  I see her noting on other people’s blogs occassionally, and it just seems more of the same.  And there is this awful part of me that wants to tell her "grow up already!" but I just can’t do it.  So I stopped reading her, and eventually removed her from my faves so I wouldn’t even be tempted.  Some people… they just need to learn the hard way.  Some people are just young.  Some people, though young, are very mature.  They usually have children.  One of my absolute fave "friends" is only 27, has 4 kids, the oldest was born when she was 17, but you’d never know it.  She’s a good mom, an AWESOME writer (I’m a decent writer, but I envy her talent, I gotta say.  She has a way with words.) and even though I can tell she struggles with some things, she always seems to make decisions based on what’s best for her family, and not what’s best for her.  I really have come to like her a lot, and I wish I knew her in real life, because I’d bet she’d be a lot of fun to hang out with… and the 9 kids between us, lol!!!  Can you imagine that?  HA!

Boy, I’m not getting any computer time these days.  Between the crazy sleep schedule, which is mostly because of the baby, I swear, and feeding the baby, leading to the crazy sleep schedule, and taking care of Sammi, and helping Shabree with homework, getting an occassional meal together (I usually come up with at least one meal a day, if not two… I often get Alex, Sammi and I breakfast and lunch)… I am just not getting much in the way of computer time.  Tomorrow we have to go to see Shabree get an award, I need to remember to take the camera with me.  That’s at 8:30 a.m.  I’m usually not up that early, so will probably be heading to bed quite soon.  It’s hard for me to interrupt my sleep so much, because I, like Alex, usually wake up completely for at least half an hour to an hour at each feeding.  This more than anything makes me want to quit.  I mean, I have to feed her, because she needs the calories.  But I just hate the whole sleep interruption, I really do.  Also, we’ve been watching movies and tv… we watched Rock Star tonight, plus Jerry got a Sammy Hagar video that I watched a little of, once I was finished breast feeding Alex… I brought her downstairs and got her set up in her high chair with some solids.  When I go wake her up in a bit to eat, she’s going to wake up fully, and it may be a good long while before I get to sleep myself.  I don’t know why this bothers me so much, probably because Jerry acts like I’m a lazy slacker…  Sigh.

Well, I’ve really got to go feed the baby and get to bed.  Sammi was put to bed, but then she woke up, so she’s up now.  She’s NOT going to be a happy camper in the morning when she has to get up early go to see Shabree get her award.  Shabree doesn’t know she’s getting an award, we got a thing home from school that said not to tell her, it’s a secret, and boy, she was NOT happy about THAT.  Not one bit. 

Looking at my character counter, it’s clear that I’ve written a LOT today, almost 10,000 characters, though who knows how many of those are spaces and line breaks?  LOL, I have 20,031 characters left now.  Now, I’m under 20,000.  Heh.  I feel kind of achy, because I no longer know why I am breast feeding.  I want my SLEEP back.  The only reason that I can come up with is the cost, and the fact that I get extra food from WIC when I’m not getting formula.  Hell, I don’t know.  I’m just so tired of it at this point.  I want to keep going, because I promised myself a year, but I am the ONLY ONE WHO CARES.  And that makes it harder.  No one else cares if I make it to a year or not.  Just feed her formula!  It’s fine.  Sigh.  Would it really matter though, if I only slept 8 hours?  Would it?  I don’t know.  I can barely remember a time when I had a "normal" sleep schedule.  I don’t know if I’ve had one since I was 10 when my mom started letting me pick my own hours, so long as I got myself off to school on time, I could go to bed when I wanted.  Well, I MUST have had times, because I remember when I was working forced (mandatory) 12 hour days at work, I’d come home, go straight to bed, and then get up in the morning to go straight to work.  That was fun… NOT.  12 hours is a LONG time to work, let me tell you.  And then there was the couple of years when I worked the graveyard shift… lol… nope, my sleep scheudle was just as messed up then.

I don’t know.  If I went and got a "job" would it make him happy?  I have to wonder.  Might be worth a shot though.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  It is NOT like my kids "need" me, because they don’t.  They have their daddy, and they don’t need me.  Hell.  This… putting myself through hell and frustration and always wondering if I should get a job, shouldn’t get a job… I’m in SUCH a rut, I know I am.  And it’s hard breaking out of a rut.  I guess I should just go look for a job.  Any job will do, I think is the attitude I need to take.  Whatever I can get is what I will take.  Then, I guess we shall see how it goes, and whether or not it’s worth it and if I am needed or not.  I just think I am not needed, not in any way, shape or form.  And it breaks my heart to realize that.  What am I doing here?  Why bother?  I need them more than they need me.  Shabree for one would LOVE it if I got a job.  I guess she thinks that we’d get to go on vacations if I got a job.  Sigh… maybe. 

Well, I am going to stop now. 

I should really at least try to get some sleep, and I’m not doing any good on this negative bent I’m on.  But I guess I feel this need to prove my worth, and so far, it’s not working.  Breast feeding is… not doing it, that’s for sure.  I guess… well, I guess I do feel sort of worthless.  MAYBE, maybe a job would help.  I doubt it, because the only things I ever wanted to be in life were a mom and a writer, but I am too SOMETHING to do the writing thing… and leaves mom, and I’m okay at that, but Jerry…is better in the role as parent.  So.  I guess I just suck.  Might as well bring some money in so I can at least have that.  So far, I haven’t found ANYTHING that I am qualified to do that would pay decently, so I guess I have to go the "beggars can’t be choosers" route and start applying at fast food places and retail outlets, which is sort of sad, but I messed up the interview at Apple, and that’s about all my qualifications.  

I’m going to bed.  I’ve got to get myself out of the rut.  I’ve got to DO something.  I’ve got to put a sense of worth back into my life, even if it doesn’t help, at least I’ll know.  I fear that my love for life is just… well, I don’t FEEL depressed, and I certainly do get up every day, and I do TRY to attend to things… I just don’t feel… happy.  That’s all.  Maybe I’m not supposed to, but it’s not a feeling I’d like to live without, and I’m not sure a job is the cure, but maybe it’ll break the rut up or something.  Who knows?  At least I’d have a chance at some social interaction, that could be good, a bright side.  I haven’t had any friends in a long time that I see on a regular basis, and I sure do miss it.  Partially my own fault…shy.  But I used to have Elijah and Brent, and a few other people at Apple, Art, he was pretty fun to be around.  Yea, maybe that could help.  Now, if I could just get myself OUT THERE, putting in applications.  Maybe it doesn’t have to be much… it just needs to get me out of the house and being around people and giving me a sense of purpose.  Maybe it doesn’t HAVE to pay the bills, maybe it just needs to bring some joy back into my life, and give my husband a reason to respect me again.  Something.

I’m posting.