9/26/07 *edit*

I got a couple of notes I should comment on. I only intend to wait a few months. I need the time to figure out what I’m going to do. Jerry is NOT going to let me see a midwife. He’s paranoid something might happen if we went with anything alternative to a doctor. And I must admit, with Shabree being breech, and Sammi’s water not breaking so she swallowed the merconian (is that the right spelling? I don’t think so… she essentially swallowed and breahted in her first poop, to put it directly!)  So I myself am not completely convinced this is something I might want to do alternatively, plus I have a strong intuition it’s twins.  I do want this to be the last child/children we have.  When I first met Gregg, I told him I wanted half a dozen children…well, this will put us close, or at, 6 kids, which is half a dozen.  I don’t think Jerry’s going to be happy… but then, if he can make some money to where he doesn’t have to work all the time, he won’t mind.  I will want to get homework help later on, if at all possible.  I don’t like helping the kids with their homework.  It’s so not fun.  I felt kind of sick this morning… I suppose it’s early to be getting nauseous, and I wasn’t, really.  Maybe just psyching myself out.  I don’t know.  I cannot test until I get home.  I don’t want to tell ANYONE I’m pregnant right now, and I don’t want to buy a test when I have one at home.  So I will test next week when I get some private time.  And I WILL hide the evidence better than I did last time… was so mad at myself.  I think Jerry was just relieved I wasn’t pregnant.  I really don’t know how to go about handling that aspect of things.  I really don’t want him to worry, be disappointed, or feel I’ve misled him (which in a way, I will have, if I don’t tell him sooner rather than later, but I just REALLY don’t want to add to his worries!!!!)  I want to be able to enjoy being pregnant, not have it be this big awful "thing" that has managed to further ruin our lives.  Everything tells me that things will be fine. 
I know I should take a test, but I KNOW I’m pregnant.  I know it as clearly as if I’d taken a test.  Even if I was symptom-less, which I’m definitely having signs, I know I’m pregnant.  Things just feel different.  My body feels somehow wider, my breasts feel heavier, I THINK I’m a little more tired than usual, my eating habits are not typical (well, I WOULD blame that on traveling, if I wasn’t sure I was pregnant, and even then…could still be traveling.  I have a hard time eating on the road…especially when around my mother!!!!  I don’t know if it’s her cooking, her choice of foods, or what, but I have a really hard time eating when with her)  I’m feeling some food aversions, my period is definitely late at this point, by 4 days, which is really late for me these days… 1 day late, okay, 4 days late???  And we had sex around the right time.  2+2=pregnant, you know?  I had a banana for breakfast, and almost gagged on it… oh yea, pregnant, blasted hormones anyway!  It’s so hard keeping this to myself!  I can barely stand it.  I’ll probably end up telling Jerry soon, just because I can’t stand to hold it in… the only way I could get away with this is if I denied it to myself… but then, I suspect that if the symptoms keep up, there’s no way I’ll be able to deny anything to anyone!  Someone is bound to notice I’m gagging at the smell of food, or heading off to the bathroom a lot to throw up, or even if I’m just continually not feeling well.  I am not sure how much I can keep appearances up, but I’m thinking I’m willing to try… Part of me kind of thinks it would be fun to see how long it takes people to catch on.  Will they even notice?   How many months can I go?  LOL… tricky, tricky.  I’ve tried to refrain from even putting it on the internet, except for here.  And I’ve been doing all kinds of searches on pregnancy and the like.  I got curious as to when the baby(ies) becomes an embryo, it’s tomorrow.   I do know the heart won’t start beating for another 2 and a half to 3 and a half weeks, and after that happens, we’ve got a 95%+ chance of making it to a live birth.  But I don’t see the point, especially with this pregnancy, to going to the doctor until 2-3 months have passed.  If I lose it, I lose it… there’s no point whatsoever in trying to hang on to it, not that there’s anything a doctor would do now anyway.  Just look to see if there’s a baby in there is all… I haven’t been bleeding at all… I can’t remember when the bleeding started with Sammi… just that it stopped after the first trimester.  I don’t think I’ll allow myself to panic like that this time around.  I even bled some with Shabree, but it stopped after 8 weeks, if not sooner.

Well, I’d better go get Sammi.  I put her in her playpen so I could have a bit of a respite.  She’s kind of squealing now though, so thinking I should go pick her up and play with her a bit.  Poor kid… at least Shabree got a few years of uninterrupted Mommy time…Sammi is going to have to deal with some new sister(s) or brother(s) (c’moon, it’s goiong to be a girl, or girls!  Jerry doesn’t MAKE boys!) before she’s even two…and we’ll all be lucky if I’m able to stay away most of the time.  THAT I’m going to have to try to get more disciplined about.  I still want to get this business going.

*Edit*
I’ve been reading some other diaries, one of whom just gave birth at HOME, unassisted.  No doctor, no midwife, nothing but her and her husband.  Very cool.  Could I do that?  Knowing the "complications" I’ve had with previous pregnancies?  I mean… the last birth went VERY well from my perspective.  First of all, it wasn’t a C-section.  It was natural.  Hell, it was FAST.  It was like I wasn’t in labor, then suddenly I WAS, and then she was just there.  And perfect, because there had been no drugs, no time spent in the birth canal to get all squished… and it was fine.  Maybe because it went so fast… I mean, all of a sudden I was just in a huge amount of pain, but it ended as quickly as it began… which is sort of why I wasn’t afraid to be pregnant again.  I knew that most of my fears of the birth would be unfounded, well, at least quelled.  I mean, the next birth will probably be faster, and if it’s not, I’ll deal.  And I can do it without drugs…can you imagine that?  Like this woman, I think I recovered faster…because for the pain, I think all I really ever took after Sammi was born was what?  I think it was ibuprofen, but I won’t swear to it.  I don’t remember really needing painkillers at all.  I guess the thing I’m really trying to say is, I’m not afraid to be pregnant.  I’m worried how I’ll tell Jerry, and that’s about it.  I’m not scared of raising kids, though I certainly hope I’m up to the job, because we have a LOT of children, and it’s about to get increased… lol.  I’m kind of looking forward to it, in a lot of ways.  I do think, though, that with my age, and the amount of children we’ll now have to figure out how to raise so that we’re notalways broke, that it is definitely time to stop.  I said that after Sammi, but I think even in my own mind, I was thinking, what’s one more?  (Or two, I always wanted twins… so may just be my own brain playing tricks on me… but I do hope!)

Well, I’m going to wrap up again…when I went to check on Sammi, she was asleep…surprised me!  Now we’re just waiting for her to wake up so we can go get some lunch…we’ll walk into town, it’s a SMALL town, but they do have a little bar where you can get lunch.  I’m HUNGRY.