9/2/07

So many thoughts racing through my head right now.  I just watched Dogma… I personally feel it’s a very powerful film.  I forgot how much I liked it.  Though I cannot STAND Alanis Morrisette.  Sorry to any fans, but I feel her songs are terribly whiny and her voice just drives me nuts.  Perhaps I’m glad her role in that was silent ;).  Anyway, it got me to thinking.  I’ve never been, well, not since I turned 18, religious at all.  Before that, I was Catholic.  Being raised Catholic is an interesting experience.  I mean, how many "recovering Catholics" do you know?  And there is definite truth in "You can take the girl out of the Church, but you can’t take the Church out of the girl"  Oh my.  I’ve never known another religion with such… spirituality, and yet such…. for lack of a better term, horrible-ness.  I feel that when you walk into a Catholic church, you cannot HELP but FEEL God.  There is a certain serenity in any Catholic church that I just don’t FEEL when I walk into another church.  There is almost a built in reverence.  I’ve always felt at home in any Catholic church I’ve ever been in.  I can still recite practically every word by heart.  Well, when I was 18, I had kind of a revelation.  I didn’t need a church.  I had God, "Himself" to lead me.  Oh yes.  LOL, I haven’t believed in AGES that God is a He… or that God is even a She.  God… is God.  We were made in God’s image, yes?  Try God’s spiritual image on for size.  God doesn’t have a sexuality… well, I don’t think God does.  You can’t say He or She with any certainty, can you?  Oh, sure, to Humanize God allows us to relate to God more easily.  But let’s face it…God is NOT human.  So why do we refer to God as He?  God the Father… well, okay, I could go so far as to grant you that God has Parental qualities.  But… what happens when we children grow up?  Hm?  Do we continue to need God in the same way?  Do our children need us in the same way?  No.  So I’ve long thought that religion was for "spiritual children" who need someone to lead them, hold their hand on their spiritual journey… 
I feel I am more of a spiritual "teenager"  Okay… not quite ready to go out on my own, so to speak, but a little too old to need constant hand holding during the journey.  Make sense?  I still need God as a parent, a teacher, a leader… but I’m starting to explore life outside, starting to spread my wings… and maybe… well lately anyway, question absolutely everything 🙂  Which I kind of expected that to upset God.  But I haven’t felt that God has been upset with me. 
This last year has absolutely been a trying one.  Oh… I do NOT like being without money, without resources… I have hated the worry, and the fear, "are we going to lose our home?"  "am I going to have to go back to work, and leave my children in someone else’s care"  and if so…. how would I pay for it?
Faith is a little difficult to come by these days.
Then there’s Linda.  WHY does she have to go through this?  Why?  It’s not right, it’s not fair (I know, I know…you don’t need to say it)  It’s not… well, what exactly IS the point?  I hate to be selfish, and say that she can’t go yet, because I need her… my kids need her (especially Shabree… Linda’s illnesses have been a great teacher for Shabree, and she’s a very kind child to begin with, but she really makes a point to ask Linda how she’s doing, and give her jars of kisses, and it really lightens Linda’s load,  I can tell, but Linda really allows Shabree to just be herself with no demands.  They are very good for each other)  I was also thinking earlier tonight, Linda’s always apologizing to me for being a burden… and she’s anything BUT.  I feel grateful and thankful that I can be there for her.  I almost feel it’s a calling of sorts.  I can’t do much in my life right now other than take care of my children and to a lesser extent, my husband… but I can talk to Linda on the phone, and hopefully help her to hang on through everything…and she apologizes for not being there for ME… oh… I do love her.  It’s so HARD for me to let down my barriers and let people in.  I don’t have that many "real" friendships… but with Linda, we can truly be ourselves.  And to think when we went to Disneyland, I could barely stand her… who knew?  In any case… I’m not exactly ready for her to die and for me to lose someone who means so much to me.  I think that thought more than any has made me question God lately.  And all I get is that there are reasons.  OH… GREAT answer, very telling 🙂  I feel God enjoying my sarcasm… but still pretty quiet on the matter.  Which I guess is okay… well, what choice do I have? 
I feel scattered.  I shouldn’t write any of this in here, I don’t think… though none of it really explains some of the "off the wall" things that have occurred to me.  I usually keep a pretty low profile about my spiritual and religious beliefs, just because they are different from the mainstream.  And yet, I often feel that God wants me to say more.  That is one reason I loved Dogma… it was so "out there"  Oh, I’m sure some people felt it bordered on blasphemy.  But I don’t really believe for a minute that God wants "blind followers"  I think God is MUCH more interested in people who think enough of him and his love to constantly question the ways of the world.  Without questioning… well, there is motivation there to make it better, isn’t there?  Blind followers are rather passive.  It becomes an adult conversation between God and us, if we question things.  Well, MORE of an adult conversation.  Yea, I’m losing that train of thought… and it’s an IMPORTANT train of thought.  God doesn’t want us to fear him…. he wants us to to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves and our world.  Well, that thought is gone, and I think I am getting too tired to really think straight or clearly, so I am going to go to bed.

I want to apologize if I offended anyone… but then, what exactly do I have to apologize for?  My thoughts?  Still… sorry if you don’t agree with me.  What I say… well, I’m pretty sure it’s true… but when God talks to you, sometimes you want to question your own sanity, lol ;).  Just kidding.  Still, I am always afraid of the risks I run, talking about these things.  I just can’t believe in the Bible, and its biases (well, really, the biases of the MEN who wrote it).  I can’t be taught by a priest any more… though I do think priests have many valid things to say, oh yes I do.  But I would rather be taught by God directly.  Of course, it gets filtered through my own biases and such… but hopefully I don’t have that many biases to taint it.  I don’t know. 
I should go to bed.  I’m supposed to be keeping all these thoughts in a notebook for the future, but hopefully nothing happens to OD… maybe I should download,just in case ;).  I definitely feel I run risks, putting this out in the public view…and I would be rather devastated if anything happened to my diary.  I’ve had it since before I got married to Jerry, and it contains an awful lot of history that I want to keep.  I’m gonna download, just in case.  I know I sound paranoid… but well, better safe than sorry.