4/12/08

I’m having a baby shower! Please visit:

http://www.webbabyshower.com/mullen/

You  know, in my ramblings yesterday, which were probably near incoherent, seeing as how many things I had going on at the time (LOL), I forgot the mention the Mormon boys came by… or maybe it was Thursday.   Dang swiss cheese brain anyway.  I really LIKE these boys.  God, I am getting old, when I start calling 18-20 year olds boys.  But… I AM old enough to be their mother!  YIKES!  My children are almost all young, it’s hard to consider Becca "young" these days, though I realize she IS…but she’s growing up.  Anyway, the Mormon boys came by, and I chatted with them for awhile, maybe half an hour?   I didn’t have that much to say, really.  I am QUITE resistant to joining ANY church.   Even if I did, it would probably be Catholic, just because that’s the church I was raised in.  Well, not JUST because, but because I can STILL probably recite along with any priest pieces of Mass, because when I enter a Catholic church, I can feel God’s presence, loving, holy, and reverent.  There’s almost an aura when I go into a Catholic church, I swear it.  All I have to do is be quiet and still and it kind of washes over me, bringing an odd sort of peaceful happiness.  So there you go… that is why I’d go back to Mass.  When I really THINK about it, I had some very fond memories from going to church.  Fond memories of the priests in Greeley, most of whose names I can’t even remember now.  Except for "Pomp and Circumstance" Father Greenslade, who was the first priest I remember.  He used to use so much insense, it made my poor dad sick when he’d go with us (which admittedly was rare, but he did convert at one point, hoping it would heal his and my mom’s relationship… but there was so much wrong with their relationship, especially by that time, that they’d never stand a chance of getting back together.  Which, I hate to say, was a blessing.  Even I could see that.  Some people just are NOT meant to be together.  Someday, I’ll have to relate the story of when I was 16 and basically brought an end to the hope…  it was surreal) 
Anyway, of course, the Mormons think they have the "one true church"  and I won’t go into WHY… you’ll have to ask a Mormon for yourself.  Just be prepared, because once they think there’s "hope" for you, they never truly go away, lol… unless you very pointedly either tell them, or ignore them.  They CAN take a hint, lol… it just takes awhile, because they tend to want to chip away at your resolve.  I’m NOT convinced that ANY church is the "one true church"  But then again…. I think church is for spiritual children.  Honestly though, I am wondering if Earth isn’t where ALL spiritual children go to begin their "education"  Maybe other planets exist for more evolved life forms?  Just a thought… perhaps off the wall, but something that’s occurred to me.
Anyway, talked to Rick that night, who is Mormon… by way of explanation, Rick lived with us for 6 months.  When he first got here, he and Jerry were supposed to be closing a deal soon (ha ha!) and so it was supposed to be temporary.  Rick is one of those guys that just has difficulty growing up.  I’d have SWORN he was in his EARLY 20s… turns out he’s only about 3 years younger than me…. could have blown me over with a feather when I found that out.  So I was telling Rick that I can’t join a church.  I’ve said this to him before.  It’s not like new news.  The thing is, I am a fairly, if not highly, spiritual person.  I have had many conversations with God, and perhaps other beings, though again, I don’t want to get myself into "trouble" talking about these things… I am a sane and rational person… and for some people, mostly Christians, it’s "ok" to talk to God… but DON’T be talking to other beings… who are probably demons or something… oh, yea, the Devil disguising himself, that’s it. 
Good grief.
If I ask a question in my head…. and get an answer that makes sense, is rational, and is not something I "knew" before… is it REALLY going to be Satan saying it?  And why assume that God answers all of my questions, when the answers FEEL like they’re coming from a feminine source?  Not that I would say God isn’t feminine… just in my "world view" God has a male presence… it WAS what I was taught.  Fair enough, yes?  Gregg (ex-DH) and I used to channel… he had about 3 beings he channeled, and I had one, Tia-tor.  Tia was her name, Tor was her title… sort of like Jesus Christ… Jesus was his name, Christ (teacher) was his title. 
The way it was explained to me, though Gregg’s channellings (now I realize how this must sound, so bear with me, because I was there, and it does feel real… and nothing about it ever felt threatening, or somehow like we were being led astray, and I think most people who know me will agree, I’m a good person.  So I haven’t been "corrupted" by any of these experiences, okay?)  was that Tiator was a future incarnation of me.  She was, or is, a Tor, keeper of the Akashic records (which is actually a pretty big deal) Tors are the "money makers"  in that they bring money to those around them (not to themselves though!  I have to admit to feeling slightly cheated by that one, LOL!!!!)   She’s very knowledgeable in all things Karmic.  Okay, now, because even to me, this has always been rather "out there" I’ve never talked about it much… but it was an incredibly important time in my life, when I was married to Gregg.  Anyway, I’ve thought that many of the answers to my questions came from her.  When I was falling asleep the one night, and said "I really want t know why there are no women writers in the bible" and the answer came back "Because they weren’t taught to write."  I think it was her who answered it.  When I was younger, she was in the habit of calling me silly.  I WAS silly.  It was said in such a manner that I never took offense, it was said with real affection for me.  I’ve been kind of "surrounded" by these beings…and these thoughts… for nearly as long as I can remember.  I used to walk to my high school, I’d have a Cup O Noodles as my breakfast, and I’d walk, eat my soup and just converse about things in my head.  It occurred to me even then that I was getting ANSWERS to my questions… things where if I knew the answers, I sure as heck didn’t KNOW I knew those answers…  and I’ve had conversations that absolutely felt like they were with God.
So over the last… oh I don’t know how long it’s been, I’ve been feeling like I am supposed to write a book about the things I’ve learned in my inner mind travels, so to speak, lol…  And it’s not something I feel equipped to do, I admit to being rather chicken-shit about it.  So I was telling Rick about this piece, and he told me (in essence) that we have free will. And I said to him… it’s not about free will.  I understand God gave me free will.  I just don’t quite feel right turning down, and possibly disappointing, a being that means everything to me (and of course, later on that night, as I’m thinking about it, a Voice, whom I would say was God, tells me "You never disappoint me."   That’s the thing… I always feel LOVED by God… no matter what I do, or in this case, don’t do.  God understands my reluctance and never holds it against me.  I feel lucky to understand that as clearly as I do… because not everyone does.  I feel ESPECIALLY sorry for the people who think I’m going to hell just because somehow I don’t "believe" in going to church, or oh NO, I QUESTION things.)   Anyway, Rick told me that was awesome that I thought that way, not wanting to disappoint.  🙂  Cool.  LOL… of all of that, that was my only point.  Talk about self-centered. 
I HAVE noticed a trend in me lately towards self centered thinking.  I’m not going to dwell on it… it’s near impossible to BE completely self centered when you have a bunch of children needing you… maybe that’s entirely WHY I’ve been self centered, because so many demands are made on me.  It would be a normal and human reaction.
I did tell Rick "But why me?  What the heck is so special about me that I should write about God?"  And his thought on that was because I am a daughter of God.  Well, that’s fair enough.  I don’t know what it would mean to the OTHER millions of Christians or anybody else for that matter who would read any book I might write about God.  Would they trash it because it wasn’t "God inspired"?  NOT that they would even KNOW what it IS to be God inspired…

Oh good grief… speaking of children making demands, LOL, they want me to come watch "Clean House"  which I admit… is a great show, lol.  We love it.  It COULD make more of a difference in our own cleaning and hoarding though…

But I’ll go watch it with them even though I’d rather write.  I’ve rambled on enough anyway.