3/20/06

Jerry and I had a LONG talk last night about the dancing on Saturday, and his problem, he said, was the expectation that he had that I was going to change, and so he went into a depression, but he was giving me something of the silent treatment, so I thought he was pissed at me (and I still think he was, in a way…depression is anger which can’t be expressed, so it’s turned inwards at oneself).  He says he wouldn’t have noticed if we’d been dancing, but NEITHER of us was liking the music they were playing, and so we didn’t dance.  That, thankfully, had nothing to do with me, though I WAS getting really tired, and yawning a lot, so when Jerry said we could go anytime, I said, yea, anytime, so we left early.  I drove, he’d had some to drink, and I of course, was perfectly sober ;).  
Last night, we discussed that MY problem with the whole thing is that I’m having problems developing, and keeping, long term relationships/friendships with women.  My friendship with Ellen has all but fallen apart.  I rarely talk to her, if she sends me an email, it’s always one of those "tag, you’re it" sort of emails, and when/if I reply, I get nothing from her.  She called me about the pregnancy, I called her back, but she asked if she could call me back, and she never did.  So that’s one relationship I’m tired of trying carrying by myself and have sort of "given" up on.  Then there’s Nancy, Brian’s girlfriend.  She’s new to the area, but the one time I slipped, and trusted her with some information I asked her NOT to tell Brian, because I was going to get it from Jerry, she practically ran right out and told Brian.  I would NEVER do that to her… I might be calling her daily telling her I needed to tell my husband what’s going on, but I would keep a confidence, if asked.  So I’m not quite sure I can trust her, plus I just feel we have little in common.
Linda is about the only one I have a good friendship with, but it’s mostly phone based.  I hardly ever see her, she promises to get her car and come over here, and everything under the sun happens so she can’t… it’s not even her fault.  But at least I HAVE a friendship with her.
Kim… well, we do see each other, but it’s more about convenince… we typically go shopping together, so she has a vehicle to bring her groceries home in… it’s fine, it’s just sometimes I feel used, and we don’t really like Shaun very much.  He can be fun, he just never gets a job, and he needs to take some responsibility for himself.  And he has problems with the girls, so that can be an issue.
The last one of these "dance socials" we went to, Jerry and I met a couple, who were also not really "into" the lifestyle, but were there out of curiosity, and we hit if off, but I’m still afraid to call her. 
We also discussed a period in my life, before I met Jerry, RIGHT before I met Jerry, where I was dating, "playing the field" so to speak, and basically, I suppose, sleeping around.  It’s not exactly something I’m proud of, but it was something I had to do at the time.  I told Jerry what I learned was that most of these guys didn’t really give a shit about me, they were just using me for sex.  At least, that’s what it seems like now, in retrospect.  I was happy to settle into a good solid steady relationship when I met Jerry, even though sometimes it seemed like THAT was never going to happen either, even though we were exclusive, and I was living with him, it was still messed up since he was married to Jane, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to divorvce her, as it kept NOT happening, and I finally broke down, cried that I wasn’t going to get my June 30th wedding because he wouldn’t be divorced from Jane, and it was already December, and shortly thereafter he finally went and filed divorce papers, and I DID get my wedding on the date I wanted it.  Ironically, *I* wrote the check for the divorce, since I was the only one with a checkbook, and the 4 of us, Jane, me, Steve and Jerry went to Black Angus to celebrate… that SOUNDS so weird, I know… I know.   And then a few days later, Jane and Steve went to Reno and got married, and I think it was to one-up us, but I didn’t care, because I got a better wedding (which was my first wedding I’d ever been to, despite the fact that this was my second marriage, but that is a long story, I’m sure I’ve told before in my diary)    I think Jerry had hoped when I moved in, that we could have some sort of relationship, but there was NO WAY… not with Steve in the picture… ew yuck.  I don’t even want to GO there, you have NO idea.  Just imagine a fat, lazy slob who showers once a week IF the rest of us are lucky, and you can get a clue as to why this is out of the question.  No one ever understood what Jane saw in that man, but she caters to him like he’s the end all be all. 
I had to ask Jerry, because I haven’t even had much of a sex drive before we got pregnant…. I mean, we’re basically talking my sex drive was once a month, when I was ovulating… and while I’ve had my share of "fun" it’s not something *I* find fulfilling, or wish to pursue.  I simply don’t get anything of value to me out of that alternative lifestyle.  So I had to ask him, if I’m at this end of the scale, and you’re at the total opposite end, what are we supposed to do?  He told me he’s not going to wreck our family’s life for sex, but I told him that didn’t reallly answer my question.  I told him I’ve been trying to meet him halfway, like going to this dance social, and he wanted to know how I’ve been meeting him halfway… and I broke down, told him I was STUPID… because I couldn’t even SEE that what I thought was halfway, wasn’t even CLOSE to what he wants.   I later said maybe it was naive.  I cried a lot last night.   We never really came to a conclusion in our conversation, but I did manage to make it very clear that I need relationships for the emotional aspect, not necessarily the sexual.  I told him that sometimes I wonder if I should set him free so he can find what he really wants/needs.  And I don’t know if that means allowing him to find someone else "on the side" if you will, or if it needs to be a complete break at some point… I’m STILL in love with him, so I can’t say that appeals to me at all, and I will admit a certain selfish aspect in wanting to remain a stay at home mom, which would not be possible if we broke up, because I’d have to go get a job to support myself, Shabree and the unborn child.  I’d do what needed to be done, but like I said, it’s not like I’m in a love-less relationship.  I just need to be in a relationship where my husband is happy and satisfied with me, and he’s not.  He’s just not.  And I am NOT clear on if he really wants to partner swap, to have a 4-some, if he just wants to take pictures… or what.  I’m really not clear on where he wants this to go… and why.  And he doesn’t really have an answer for me, except that his "ultimate fantasy" is that I simply go wherever he takes me, and anything that happens simply isn’t my fault, so I can’t feel guilty for it.   The thing is, I’m not sure if I do feel guilty, or just yucky… or what.  I am simply not getting much of anything out of the experiences.  It’s not who I am… it’s not what I enjoy.  Well, I can’t say that totally, I’ve enjoyed going to Jamaica with the group that we go with, because there’s no pressure… you can have fun, participate or not… there’s a sexy aspect to things, because the main reason to go is to take pictures…it’s not a swinger’s club, though I know people in the group do that… to each their own.  And I’ve developed friendships, so I’ve enjoyed it.  It’s been the one way in which Jerry and I could…oh I don’t know…it works for both of us, where very little else has.  So we’re at something of an impasse…even Jerry said he wasn’t sure what we got out of it, but I felt like I figured out a lot of stuff for myself.  Unfortunately, there’s just so much I do for Jerry because he wants me to, not necessarily because *I* want to do it.  It makes me happy to know it makes him happy.  But I have long felt that this was a big problem in our marriage, and might very well one day be the end of it.  Even before I got pregnant, that was a concern for me… but something told me that it’ll be fine, whatever happens.  I am not sure about going to another one of these things though… I mean, if they’re going to cause this many issues, I’d just prefer to avoid the problems from the get-go.  I’m not a jealous woman, I’ve watched my husband do things I was just shaking my head at, or laughing at, but I can’t say they bothered me, unless I thought they were bothering the woman, then all he gets from me is a Jerry, show some respect to the woman… he usually only gets "bad" when intoxicated, so I just kind of check him.  But I can’t say it bothers me that he acts like that… I usually just find it kind of amusing.  I know it’s me he’s going home with, and I know it’s me he’s in love with, and he IS trustworthy… so I don’t worry about him.  So I don’t know HOW I’d feel if he had a relationship with another woman… I think it would only bother me in the aspect that he already works so hard that I often feel like a single mom, and if he was gone on the weekends in ADDITION to constantly being gone during the week, I’d feel pretty abandoned and I suspect depression would set in, and after awhile, I would need to set myself free from the pain.  I just can’t see a happy ending to that scenario, but I have no idea how to make him happy… I’m not sure it’s something I’m capable of.  Which is a pretty sad thing to realize.  Especially when you add in that I thought I was meeting him halfway, and it turns out that to him, it wasn’t even close.  That hurt.

So the whole thing is nowhere, and who knows what’s going to happen?  I’d NEVER have thought sex would be the breaking factor in a marriage for me… money’s not an issue…though with my past problems and issues, I should have thought.  I guess Gregg and I were just more compatible that way, though even Gregg was almost too conservative for me… there was NO room for experimentation in THAT relationship….  sigh.  And even if my marriage to Jerry were to end, there’s no guarantee that I find someone more compatible… and good Lord, because of the way my hormones are right now, a LOT of this is just stupid to even discuss… who knows how I’ll feel in a year when the baby is born and hopefully my body and hormones are getting back to normal… and I’m exhausted even writing about it!

Besides, it’s getting to be dinner time, so I’d better go figure out something to eat!  I guess I’ll post.  Remember, if you’re going to note this… it’s signed notes only, this is a SENSITIVE subject for me, so please, please don’t go and be mean or rude.  Remember, I’m pregnant, and I suffer from episodes of depression… don’t "help" me slip into one, thank you.