3/16/08

I’m having a baby shower! Please visit:

http://www.webbabyshower.com/mullen/

I have been very emotional.  On Friday, Bec once again says "I want my party to be just MY friends"  Now these girls pretty much share ALL of their friends.  But I was very upset, and I said, "Fine, I’ll take the girls to McDonalds, and you can have your stupid little party to your stupid little self."  I know.. I was MEAN.  I was angry, and I regretted saying those words.  Jerry was upset with me, which I understood, though I already upset with myself.  I apologized to Bec, after she came inside from crying :(.  So last night, I told Jerry that next year I would just take the younger girls to McDonalds, so Becca could have her party to herself, and he tells me how offended he was at what I said.  I got angry again.  I told him he doesn’t need to rub this in, I already feel bad enough, and he tells me, oh yea, I forgot, I’m not allowed to tell you how I feel.  I told him, you told me how  you felt YESTERDAY, and you’re not my father.  He was really mad at me.  He said, no, I am your husband.  I ended up in tears.  I must have cried for an hour and a half.  I couldn’t stop.  That wasn’t the entire conversation even.  I went to bed, but I still couldn’t stop crying. 
I don’t know.  With spanking Shabree the other day (which Jerry does not know about), and being so mean to Becca, I feel like a horrible mom these days.  I don’t even like myself.   And the deepest, darkest part of it, is that I just wished I could die.  I HOPE this is all hormonal.  I really do.  I woke up okay this morning… groggy because when Jerry came in at 2, he woke me up, and I took two benadryl because I could barely breathe out of my nose, which I think my sinuses were still swollen from crying so much.  The benadryl put me back to sleep, but the baby woke me up at 8.  I’ve been SO exhausted lately.  And I got up at 8:30 yesterday morning, and I don’t think I went to sleep until midnight, maybe later.  But I never even wanted to do a birthday party for Becca.  And Jerry really acted, didn’t SAY, but acted like I was I don’t know… I can’t put it into words.  What he DID say was that nether of Becca’s moms were really involved in Becca’s party.  By the day of, I was tired of the bickering, the fighting, the "separate" parties they were planning so that Sydni’s friends wouldn’t come to "Becca’s" party, only they got into arguments over whose friend was going to which party.  I got tired of Becca’s "I need this, I need that, can we get this, can we get that."  and "I want an iPod, I want a bike, I want a zip stick" when her bike is always out in the driveway where it could be stolen, her room looks like a hurricane AND an earthquake AND a tornado hit it.  Her clothes always have stains on them.  I’m frustrated with buying her anything.  She still has her cell phone that we got her when she was, what, 10 or 11, but IT went missing for a good year.  She thought the neighbor kids had stolen it, but it turned out to be in a purse in the garage of the old house.  How do you buy a kid like that ANYTHING valuable?  Especially when you just don’t have it to spare.  I mean, it’s one thing when your money is kind of throw-away…  you worry about the lessons that your kids are learning, but in the end, STUFF can always be replaced.  Well, stuff can’t just be replaced now.  She wants a new bike because the other girls got bikes (they’d outgrown theirs) and hers rips up her pants.  Oh, and it’s not a very comfortable bike.  All which I can understand.  What I CAN’T understand is that even with constant nagging, her bike never gets put away.  She doesn’t seem to care that it might get stolen.  She’s already had one or even two bikes stolen from the old house.  One got ran over.  One I threw in the trash, literally after telling her I was going to do it if I found the bike out again.  You’re probably asking yourself how he got so many bikes?  Well, we haven’t bought her a NEW bike in years, actually.  A couple came from garage sales, one or two came from a house we bought.   I KNOW she’s questioning the fairness of her sisters getting new bikes.  We’ve already replaced two helmets this year because the old ones disappeared (Shabree got hers back, Becca found it in the janitor’s closet!  This was two months after I’d already replaced it though).  Sydni’s NEW helmet is cracking all over the place, because in a fit of anger, she threw it on the ground when her bike went missing for a day because her best friend’s brother "borrowed" it without asking first.  I saw a bit of it on my way to school one day to pick up Shabree. 
Jerry says I’ve been hard on Becca lately.  I told him I’ve been hard on ALL of them, except for maybe Sammi, but even Sammi has gotten dumped in her crib a few times when I’ve just HAD IT with whatever she’s doing.  I have a short fuse.  I’m trying to let HIM do the disciplining, but that doesn’t seem to be working either.  In my own fits of anger, I just yell and scream… God, sometimes I even stomp my feet.  How’s THAT for childish?  Sigh.  I really do hate myself.
And I have moments when I don’t even want the new baby.  I mean, I’m in kind of a state.  I haven’t actually TOLD this to anyone.  And here I thought I was doing better (than my pregnancy with Sammi).  Of course, I wasn’t sure I wanted Sammi at times either.  I have to admit that.  I wonder what I’ll think when I look back on this entry?  I probably won’t even REMEMBER that this happened.  I vaguely remember a couple of suicidal episodes when I was pregnant with Shabree.  I had all sorts of issues pregnant with Sammi, that seemed to be helped by the Zoloft (which I can’t even remember for sure if that’s what I was taking!)  This has GOT to be hormonal… the problem is, no one’s going to excuse it, just because I can’t control my feelings.  Sigh.  No one is going to cut me a break.  Maybe they should, maybe they shouldn’t.  I am so FREAKING moody.  Obviously, I’m super rational now… ha ha, right… but I have managed to state most of this as though someone else was feeling it.  Sometimes I feel like crawling into bed and never coming out.  I HAVE been lying on the couch plenty lately.  I haven’t been exercising (well, it hurts, and I dread it)  I’m often in plenty of pain.  I feel tired SO MUCH of the time.  How much of this is pregnancy, and how much is depression?  How much of the depression, if that’s what it is, is being caused by the pregnancy?  And just how much stress do I need to have, concerning all the issues with the insurance?  I’m really trying to be calm about that.  I am trying to just let things flow.  I try not to worry… I try not to worry I’m a bad mother for not seeing a doctor!  I try not to worry that I’m a bad mother for putting the needs of the rest of the family before the needs of the baby (and me???  I don’t know where my needs fall into all of this… sigh.)  Heck, I TRY not to need anything, other than rest.  I feel like I’m in KIND of a downward spiral.  I don’t really know how to stop it, if it continues.  Obviously, some days are better than others.  The b-day party had me pretty stressed out, so maybe now that it’s past, I’ll feel a touch better.  I don’t know.  I feel tired and burnt out.  But I don’t know what I’m burnt out on.  I just know I feel burnt out.  I can’t remember the last time I got a day to myself.  I’ve had little bits of time here and there.  I haven’t felt like scrapbooking… the gardening thing has turned into a major project that I’ve realized I can neither afford, nor do I have the energy to really pursue.  I feel like I SHOULD garden, and aspects of it interest me, but I’m not truly finding passion for it.  Then again, I’m not finding passion for ANYTHING.  Not one doggone thing.  I’ve shared some of the things I’ve written lately in my diary, so maybe that’s been my passion as of late… there’s ANOTHER thing.  Short attention span theater.  I can barely seem to keep my interest in anything for more than a day or two? 
I’ve been keeping everything to myself.  I haven’t talked to Linda in over a week.  I don’t know that I CAN talk to Jerry, Ellen may as well not exist.  I’m OKAY with keeping everything to myself.  I’d really rather not having people worry about me.  I’m dumping here, because I need to.. but one fact I can say,  I’ve been here before, it’ll pass.  I know it will.  It’s not like anyone has answers for me.  I can’t, and wouldn’t, go on medication.  I’m not completely convinced that part of Sammi’s problems after she was born were due to the Zoloft.  I mean, she cried SO MUCH.  I couldn’t go through that again… well, I HOPE I don’t have to.  And besides, the medicine was really expensive.  I couldn’t afford it now.  So I kind of have to just tough it out.  I can do that.  I have done it before.  I am hopeful that this is just a temporary thing anyway.  It becomes so huge in my mind, that it seems to take over, but I’m pretty sure it’s all just temporary… "this too shall pass" as I keep repeating.  It makes for a good mantra. 
Jerry’s frying up burritos, I’m going to go eat.  I have to suspect a big problem for me has been uneven blood sugar levels.  I am hungry like every three hours, but I NEVER eat every three hours, so I’ll bet my blood sugar is just taking a beating.  The older I get, the worse I am getting with mood swings due to blood sugar levels.  I don’t know what that means… my brother is hypO-glycemic, there have been diabetes issues through my family… it is probably something I will have to be careful of.  Though you’d think I’d be worried about it now, with the pregnancy, and I’m just not.  But then, I explained why in a previous post. 

I’m going to go eat.  I don’t think I’ll get a nap in, the girls want to go to the store to get Bec a present.  I MIGHT have gotten enough sleep… doesn’t feel like it NOW though.  My sleep patterns are absolutely screwy.