2/5/08

Feeling in kind of a funk today.  We watched 1408 last night, and I really ought to know better.  It was a really good film, but I woke up this morning thinking about it…kind of obsessing about it really.  I believe that evil exists, and I’ve always been the kind of person to internalize those sorts of films, so now I’m feeling kind of angst-y, depressed and tired.  Well, I"m ALWAYS tired.
I have not been feeling like scrapping, which is of some concern to me.
I applied for Medi-CAL and am wishing I could prove income, because we’re bringing in 750 dollars a month, which there is NO WAY we can cover all the bills and food with.  Not when food is typically 300 a month (Yes, I can feed us on 300  a month), Karate is 200 (I do not see how we can keep the kids in Karate), and the phone/internet/cable bill is 200 a month.  That right there is 700 a month.  So what about electric, gas, and gas for the van?  Oh, and water, sewer and garbage.  And 300 doesn’t include toddler formula for Sammi, which is  a good supplement for her.  I don’t know.  I’m thinking I’d better start selling stuff off on Craig’s List, and hopefully that’ll give us just enough cash to keep going.  I’m still wondering if it’s even worth applying for Medi-CAL, since I really can’t prove any sort of income.  If I could, I would try and get food stamps, WIC, the whole thing.  Well, we have to live somehow.  Sigh.  I don’t relish the thought of getting on welfare, not one bit, and I’m really not sure how I’m going to give birth at this point, especially if they want me to prove income, which I just can’t do.  I’ve got bank statements, but Jerry doesn’t want to give them those.  I could cry…  I just don’t even know why I’m wasting my time with all of this.  I just DON’T KNOW how I’m going to give birth without being able to go to a hospital, and it’s worrying me terribly.  I want to leave it in God’s hands, but if I’d had to do that with Shabree, we’d probably both be dead right now, or I’d be raising a vegetable of a daughter.  With Sammi, how would I have gotten the junk out of her lungs and stomach because my water didn’t break?  I mean, at least with the pregnancy, I know things are pretty much all right.  I’m feeling the baby move, it’s unlikely that I am diabetic or have high blood pressure, I’m OK with not seeing a doctor.  In fact, I’m HAPPY not to have to go through being stuck with needles for tests I don’t want to under-go anyway and just do to appease the powers that be in Medicine.  I’m more than happy to not be a burden on the state.  Everyone just tells me "Oh, you should see a doctor"  and I suppose that’s true, I SHOULD.  But I’m not really worried about that, and it’s a relief, and all of that as stated above.  When I THINK though about all that could, and HAS gone wrong during the births of my children, I feel in a bit of a panic mode.  And I wonder, does God even CARE about this baby?  Okay, we don’t need to care about me, I’m an adult, I can take care of myself.  Maybe there just isn’t a God and maybe all this baby has is me… and Jerry of course, but mostly for the pregnancy, all it has is me.  Jerry isn’t really involved, and honestly, never has been, though he tried to make it to my prenatal visits, but with Sammi, he just didn’t have time, and with this one, he’s got even less.  He never really showed that much interest in any of the babies pre-natally anyway, which I’m fine with.  It’s hard to bond with a baby that’s inside mom’s tummy.  Besides, the bonding really is a life-time thing with the kids, and he’s a good dad, who has a great bond with all his children.  It’s not really important to me that it starts when the kids are born… I KIND of feel the same way.  I’ve given up on wondering what the child will be like, because there’s really NO telling at this point, and they’ve got a whole lifetime to forge their personalities anyway… I’m still kind of working on mine, you know?   I can’t say I’ve bonded with the baby either, and I always forget to tell anyone that the baby is moving, and etc.  It’s just not important to me, I guess.  I don’t know, I have OTHER concerns!  I guess ALL I can do is apply for the stupid Medi-CAL and if they turn me down, cry my heart out and move on.  I guess if we end up racking up a huge bill giving birth, it wouldn’t be the end of the world… my credit is trashed anyway, so what would be the difference?  I just hate the thought of that too.  But then, someone is going to end up paying, somewhere.  Eventually the hospital would write off the bill, or I’d get enough money to pay it off, or who knows?  I don’t!  I can hash this out in my mind as much as I want, and none of it’s going to make any difference to the end result, is it?  Which is basically that I’m going to give birth…somewhere, somehow, who knows?  And if I do it in a hospital, someone will pay the bill, either me, or the hospital, or the taxpayers….  If I knew it was going to be a few thousand, then I’d let it be me.  I mean, I can handle that, I think.  We certainly did pay thousands of dollars in insurance premiums over the two years or so that we were paying our own insurance. 

Oh I’ve got to stop obsessing over this.  In all ways, shapes and forms.  I had to give the paperwork to Jerry to see if he could figure out a way around the proof of income thing, so I guess I’ll have to wait til he figures that out.  Hopefully he does it soon.  I guess if he doesn’t, I’d better not worry about it.  Really, again, what is the difference, except for a wasted two hours going to the "human assistance" office?

I’ve got to stop writing… I’m really putting myself into a depression, or at least a serious bout of sadness.  I really just don’t think "God is going to provide" anymore, and perhaps, that’s what hurts most of all… it used to be my faith that kept me going, and now I have what?   I mean, if 750 a month is all God can come up with…

Okay, I’m done.  I’m just… I have to be done.  This is getting me nowhere.  Sorry to sound like such a broken record and complain so much.

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