2/29/08

Well, I got to thinking, after I left about four long notes about the financial situation, maybe it’s time to ask someone else for some insight on what’s going on.  I’m pretty well confused.  I’ve kind of stopped trying to figure any of it out.  But I sure would like to know on a more spiritual level, what is going on.  I just get the feeling, there is more to this than "simple" finances.  I don’t know if there is a lesson I’m supposed to be learning and I’m missing, or if I’ve somehow closed myself off to the flow that encompasses all things monetary.  Or if it’s just more in the physical realm, and Jerry is just in an IMPOSSIBLE business to succeed in. 
A long time ago, I figured out something about getting pregnant… the spiritual as well as the physical has to come together.  If one or the other isn’t present, or the energy needed is blocked, then a pregnancy isn’t going to happen.  This seems to be magnified when you REALLY BADLY want a child!  I mean, how many couples have you heard of that tried for years to get pregnant, gave up and adopted, then immediately got pregnant?   So there are times when I wonder if the finances aren’t something like that right now.  Jerry’s in a tough business.  I once was asked by a guy trying to sign me up for college (LOL…sorry, I probably should go back to school, but I’m so not ready) what Jerry does, and after I explained it he told me he used to work in a mortgage brokerage, and they called that "Hunting the Elephant" 
Which in essence, means, Jerry is going after something VERY large, and very difficult to get.  And he’s working his ASS OFF to do it, too, I might add.  He’s working harder than any human should have to work.  I’m actually thankful he’s been forced to do it from home, because even though he’s not really available much, he’s HERE.  I can get his attention for a few moments if I need it, and get quick questions answered.  But for him, it’s just not an ideal situation by any means.  His office has no doors, which means the kids can go in there at any time, and there just are no boundaries.  I insist the kids knock before they come in here…doesn’t always happen, but has more of a chance of happening than for him.   Anyway, he’s been doing this for over a year and a half now, and you know how much money he’s made doing it?  Nothing.  Not one penny.
Let me paint another picture for you though…. last year, when things were probably at their worst, and we were quite literally raiding the coin jar to live on, we discovered my Apple stock that I had bought when I worked there, and it was worth a pretty good sum of money, so we were able to go on as we had.  When that money ran out (all too soon, wish we hadn’t tried to pay so many creditors… I’m serious!  If Jerry hadn’t tried to keep his office going, if we both hadn’t tried to pay credit cards which were beyond salvaging anyway, the money would still be lasting today!) anyway, that money ran out, but other money has leaked out through the woodwork… money we were owed and having problems collecting, (and there should be more to that, as well), money sent to the lawyers that they should have kept to pay their bill, but due to the bankruptcy situation, agreed that if we dismissed the bk, they’d give us half of it… otherwise, they were obligated to send it ALL in to the bk court.  The court ended up dismissing it anyway, without us having to do anything (we couldn’t provide some needed paperwork, like taxes… which I’ve explained in previous entries why we don’t have them)
So we’ll have some money to keep us going for a bit.  I don’t know how long.  Now since there’s no bankruptcy to keep the foreclosure at bay, we have to deal with the house… and that’ll eat away at the funds pretty badly.  So it’s difficult to know how long it’ll last.  This deal that is supposed to be closing, ISN’T, and it’s in limbo, and no one can tell why, or if someone is trying to pull a fast one or WHAT.  But the longer it drags out, the more unlikely it seems it’ll close.  And I have no clue… I keep feeling things will be fine, but the evidence is contrary, but the waters are so muddy that no one can really tell what’s going on.  My own sense…well, I just don’t know anymore either.  Last week, I’d have told you it’ll probably close.  But I thought we’d have money by now.  So I’m at a loss… I really don’t know. 
I’ve got no time or energy to really "meditate" and I haven’t really prayed in ages, because 1) they don’t seem to help and 2) my prayers seem so lame, more like begging than prayer.  Please God, let this thing turn around for us kind of prayer… lame O.  I feel oddly peaceful all the same though.  I don’t really feel agitated, and my worry…well, I don’t know.  I just feel like things WILL work out.  I just haven’t got a clue as to how.  I would say that I am very tired of feeling like we have to be so ultra careful because even though we’re getting money, it’s not enough to last, and I feel a little "nickel and dimed" to death by the universe.  Throw something substantial my way, why don’t you?  Where is this abundance I’ve heard so much about?  Hey, at least let me properly take care of this baby… gees.  I don’t even feel like I can "afford" to be generous, though it’s hard actually for me not to be….  I just feel like I’m closing off that "flow" of money when I don’t give some of it away, however, since it’s hard to know for sure what’ll happen, the natural tendency is to protect what you have.  I guess.
Anyway, as usual, my mind is in circles on this issue, and I’m not coming up with any answers… no easy ones.  The only answer I ever get is "hang on, it’ll be all right" 

And I suppose it will be.  But it doesn’t really make me feel good, the not knowing HOW it’s going to be all right.  How open should I be with the money we have?  It can be a real dilemma.  And I’m pretty tired of eating in all the time, though I know that should be the norm, but dang it, I’m SO tired all the blasted time, I do NOT feel like cooking hardly at all… if it wasn’t for Jerry, we’d be eating frozen food heated  up in the microwave every night and spend a lot of nights doing fend for yourself.  I have so little energy.  Actually, having said that, and had a very large yawn in the middle of it, think I will go lie down, maybe play a bit of bookworm and see if sleep will take over before 2 a.m. for once.  HA HA!

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