2/26/08

I need to get on the treadmill. I’ve gained three pounds (WHERE did that come from??? A few days ago, I was 220, now I’m 223) I just hate to think I’ve gained ANY weight. Okay, I KNOW theoretically you’re SUPPOSED to gain weight during pregnancy, but let’s get real here.
I am FAT.
Yea, if I wanted to be NICE about it, I’d say I was "overweight"  That’s a nice spin, isn’t it? 
I promise, I don’t need to gain any weight.  I’m eating well.  Some days TOO well, but mostly, I’m eating when I’m hungry.  I’ve got no illusions that the baby will just take what it needs from me, because the human body is self protective, and I’ve done my share of reading.  On the other hand, there is some pretty extensive research to show that obese women (such as myself) CAN lose weight and still have a healthy pregnancy.  In FACT, there is evidence that shows births go better w/ women who don’t gain a bunch of weight.  Hm… maybe that’s why Sammi’s birth only took two hours.  My body is used to being this weight for the most part, though I did gain about 13 pounds with her… I DID start off a little less than I am now even, actually about 15 pounds less.  I started at 205 with her, 219 with this one.  The MOST I"ve ever weighed is about 240, when I wasn’t really paying any attention, but I usually stick to around 225, and the least I’ve ever been in the last 15 years is 195.  So, I’ve been bouncing around in the last couple of years, probably not a good thing.  Anyway, I was trying not to gain too much weight.  During the first trimester, I got down to 215, went up to 220, now up to 223, so that’s unacceptable :).  I don’t know if I ought to be thinking "losing" but then, I don’t want to weigh this much.  Sigh… actually, this is about where I started with Shabree, 225, got up to 234, and then lost 19 pounds after she was born (that was nice)  I ended up losing weight when I had Sammi, too, even though I’d gained 13 pounds (gained 9 with Breezy, and that’s how much she weighed!)  In fact, I lost 6 pounds in my seventh month, during one week.  They put me on an 1800 calorie diet, because with the three hour glucose test, my levels hadn’t fallen enough during the second hour.  The doctor wasn’t there to tell them what to do with me, so the nurse put me on a diet for diabetics, which I did my best to follow.  Was I hungry?  A little… not too bad actually.  I did my best to eat a lot of salad so I wouldn’t feel so hungry.  It was kind of hard to do actually.  When the doctor asked me if I knew I’d lost 6 pounds, I could not believe it.  No, hadn’t been aware of that.  I was just trying to stick to the diet they’d put me on.  I could hear him chastising the nurse a bit, because the results were for the second hour only…  I was careful with my sugar intake after that anyway, just trying to be cautious.  With Sammi, they just automatically did the 3 hour glucose test, and it was fine.  I have tried very hard to be careful with the sugars this pregnancy, and have mostly avoided the brownies that I typically crave so much.  I do usually have a bowl of ice cream after dinner, we’ve been eating too much fried food, truth be told.  Today I had a donut, started eating it before we left the store, lol, so will probably need to skip the ice cream tonight.  I know I had far too much Valentine’s candy, so glad that’s gone.  That is probably actually what caused the weight gain.  I was eating 4 or 5 candies a day…3 of them had 220 calories!  AGH!

I got the Medi-CAL paperwork turned in today.  I missed my date I was supposed to turn it in, so had to drive over there and walk it in.  It was mostly painless, except that I didn’t want to do it in the first place.  I cried.  I couldn’t help it.  I don’t want to do this.  I know I know.  I did it anyway.  God forbid they ask me for anything else!  I purposely didn’t ask for ANY other assistance.  I want to see if the finances get any better.  Jerry’s deal is looking really good, so I’m oh so hopeful.  I think we’re due for a break already.  A big break is fine… I’m fine with that.  I never want to have to worry about money again.  I WILL plan for the future, so this can never, ever happen again.  I will make sure that we always have some money we can draw on.  I will diversify, I will put money in stocks, bonds, gold, whatever… so we NEVER have to go through this again!  I will stock my pantry up so we always have food.  I’m already a hoarder… lol… but I can just see I’m probably going to be worse… but that’s okay in a way.  AND, I will give some of it away to people who need it, so they don’t have to go through what I did either… or at least to make it a little better for them.  I will help in little and big ways, I think.  I will enlist other people to help me help, lol.  

I’m tired.  I guess I’ll wrap up.  I need to get after these kids to go to bed.

Edit:

Put in 20 minutes on the treadmill… then ate a banana split ;).  Seriously!  Small bowl, medium/large banana, maybe half a cup of mint chip ice cream, top it off w/ magic shell.  I seriously doubt there were that many calories in there.  Actually… I used Spark People (an AWESOME web site, akin to weight watchers, only FREE, FREE, FREE) to tally up my calories for today… not including the magic shell… so add 200 or SO calories… and it came up with 1200 calories!?!?  Maybe I forgot everything I ate, but that CANNOT be right.  Oh wait, bread and butter.   I forgot the bread and butter w/ dinner…and I probably had a helping and a half, or maybe two, of Tuna helper for dinner…  I didn’t care for it much, so didn’t eat too much of it.  But it’s pretty darn easy to eat two helpings of that stuff, when you make two boxes.  God, I think Sydni had 3 or 4 helpings!  She PIGGED out!  Anyway, the 6 of us ate ALL of two boxes.  So I’ll wager I probably had closer to 1700 calories.  I should probably go figure it out, but it’s actually NOT that important to me.  I’m considering doing another 10 minutes on the treadmill.  I’m really not feeling like it, but 20 isn’t feeling like quite enough.  However, I don’t want to burn myself out, either.  I did 20 min because I hadn’t done any other real exercise today, unless you count grocery shopping (which I don’t… not really, too much stopping, not enough heart rate activity.)  I should have walked to Shabree’s school to pick her up, but I really didn’t want to.  It was a nice day, too.  I ended up trying to write my letter to the welfare dept to explain the current money situation.  I still don’t think they’re going to approve me.  Maybe they will… I have my doubts though.  But I’m glad all I asked for was the Medi-CAL… I think it’ll make it easier to get, because I’m not trying to get everything, just what I really feel I need.  I really hope this deal of Jerry’s funds.  It supposedly got transferred to the bank today, he’s just waiting on confirmation that the receiving bank got the funds… then ITHINK we get a check, but I’m not sure.  It’s hard to know, actually… we won’t know til the money’s in the bank.   Which will probably be a foreign bank.  If that happens, then I’ve got to figure out how to bring it into this country without getting the money frozen by the "stupid" government :).  Anyway…whatever 🙂  I’ve talked about that enough.   I guess my first and foremost goal will simply to have money to live on… savings, ya know?  We need a new(ish) van, too… ours has no A/C, has 150,000 miles on it, and who knows how much longer it’ll last?  The truck may nor may not get repo’d any day now…  it’s got issues too, engine issues.  Anyway, if that money shows up, then there is a lot to think about actually.  I just want to make sure this time to get some of it in places where if we should run into problems, it can be liquidated to feed and house us!  I guess I’m just REALLY tired of wondering if next month is going to see us kicked out of our house and onto the street (it wouldn’t… but that’s how it FEELS)

I should get off the computer.  I MIGHT go play bookworm on the palm, but maybe I’ll just see if I can find an updated version of it.  I found it for the mac last night!  That was cool, but I only got to play it for an hour before it shut down and wanted 20 bucks to keep playing… which is cheap, but that would buy a lot of food for us…. sigh, sigh, sigh.  I just am so tired of living/thinking like that.  I want to buy what I want to have.  Well, whatever… I don’t need the game, would actually rather pay to have it on the Palm.  I’ve played it over 100 times on the Palm, so obviously I enjoy the game.  I’ve had some of my best games lately (143,000 points, which you probably don’t know, is REALLY hard to get to… it was an awesome game)  I feel like bookworm stretches out my brain a bit.
Anyway, I’m feeling tired, would be great if I could get to bed early tonight.  Last night I WENT to bed at 12, but then I just had to get up and take a shower, I felt so icky.  So I don’t know when I actually went to sleep.  I got up at 10:30 this morning, and I was sleeping HARD…for once.  It was NICE.  I’d like to get to bed early, and be able to sleep that long but get up earlier, that would be nice.  I have to think the exercise helped me sleep better.  That’s partially why I thought I’d do another 10 minutes, to help me sleep.  It makes me pretty sore though, my back is achy.  My posture is probably sucking though, because of the protruding belly, which IS bigger than w/ Sammi… but again, started out skinnier w/ Sammi.  Man, I wish I could lose 15 pounds… probably shouldn’t, but wish I could.