2/16/08

I’ve got to get my pay per play code put up. I don’t know WHAT I am waiting on… I just keep forgetting to do it, and I’m feeling awfully lazy. I’ve been spending most of my time reading. I have been reading emails, books, Reader’s Digest. Then I have a game on my palm pilot called Book Worm which is totally addictive to me. You have to make words out of random (VERY random) letters, and there are usually a lot more consonants than vowels.

My ebay auction (listed under Shabree) still doesn’t have any bids. I started it at 2.00. Linda said it fades into the background on the picture, so I ought to take another picture of it. I agree, but again, have been lazy. The auction has two days left, so again, don’t know WHAT I’m waiting on.

I stepped on the scale this morning, and I was up 3 pounds from yesterday. I KNOW I’ve been eating a lot of chocolate and candy and cookies, mostly because of Valentine’s Day. I looked at myself in the mirror and said "Yikes" I’ve got to get to exercising, so I don’t gain any weight. I can’t eat like that either, pregnant or not!! We ate out about 4 times this last week, which for our budget is a LOT. We only paid for three of those times, but STILL. It’s a lot to eat out that much. We ate out for dinner on Tuesday, breakfast on Wednesday, dinner on Thursday (friends paid) and dinner last night. It was only Jerry and I and the baby for breakfast, and for dinner last night (Syd and Bec and Shabree are at Bec and Syd’s mom’s until tonight), so the cost wasn’t THAT prohibitive, but I’m pretty sure we could have still bought a lot of groceries with that money, and it does nothing for my weight. I think we were just tired of eating in. We’ve been eating in more often than out lately, I suppose this was the backlash to that. Maybe we should be trying to eat out once a week, instead of going for weeks without. I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t been feeling like cooking, or much of anything else for that matter. I do blame the pregnancy, I am so tired all of the time that it’s difficult to get motivated. Of course, that MAY just be an excuse, but I know I am always yawning. Even right now, sitting here, I am yawning and wishing I could go take a nap. The problem with THAT is I won’t get to sleep until 2 a.m. if I take a nap now. But it’s tempting to join the baby as she has been put down for her nap. I’m sure I could use the sleep.

I started a load of pants and jeans, I’m going to need them, and my laundry "basket" (built into the shelving in our closet… I LOVE this house) was overflowing. I haven’t done laundry in a week. Which in this house, is a long time to go without doing it, because it builds up so badly with 4 kids, 6 people total. Of course, I never do get the kid’s laundry, not all of it anyway. Becca can literally, I think anyway, go a couple of weeks without doing laundry. So I get a large pile of it all at once…usually after I think I’m "done" because the laundry room is empty. HA HA on me. I hate it when they do that. I can ask, and ask and YELL at them to give me their laundry, and I still will not get it all. It’s frustrating, and it really makes you think… the girls have too much stuff. They got 20 dollars yesterday from my mom, and by last night, had it all spent. Sydni spent 8 dollars at the dollar tree on bath junk. She bought a LOT of bath junk actually. I guess they use it…well, waste it is more like it. They go through that stuff in about two weeks, because they will use it 3 and 4 times a day. I mean, what kid needs to moisturize their hands 4 times a day? Or they’ll "play" hair dresser or whatever with their friends, and right after they put stuff on, they wash it off! But… their money! I don’t know if I should have regulated it better or not. I mean, they have so MUCH stuff, what’s 20 dollars more worth of junk? Becca bought earrings, and that was probably her best purchase. Shabree bought a polly pocket toy, and assuming the parts don’t get lost, that was HER best purchase. I don’t know that Syd HAD a best purchase. Some of the bath stuff she got was 50% off, so that was good. At least it’s not as much of a waste. Bec bought her mom a chocolate toad (her mom loves frogs) Syd bought me and her mom some Valentine’s soap for 50% off… I appreciated that Syd thought of me. Bec did, as an after thought, she bought an almond joy and gave me half. Shabree…well, I’m not going to worry about her for the moment. Syd has always bought other people stuff. Shabree shares in other ways, and is not afraid to let other kids play with her toys (and she’s really great with Sammi when it comes to playing with her). Becca is probably the most selfish of the 3 of them, but she’s 12, what do you expect at that age? She shares her make up when they play dress up, so I can’t even say she never shares. Anyway, this is totally off the subject of them having too much stuff, which they do, most decidedly. With Sammi’s money, I bought her a potty, but she hated it. I guess I won’t take it back just yet, it was only 10 dollars. Maybe she’ll get used to the idea, but she seems totally afraid of the potty, despite her fascination with me going to the bathroom. She even peed on the floor while I was trying to show her the ropes… I grabbed her and put her on the toilet and held her there…wiped her with toilet paper (she usually loves tearing it off and handing it to me). I don’t think I made a big enough deal about even getting a little into the toilet. That was a mistake on my part. Don’t ask me why I’m trying to potty train her so early… I thought it was something we could try, because she seems to interested in other people using the bathroom. However, I don’t think it really translates yet in her brain, so I’ll wait. We can try again later in any case…. I’m not too worried about it, and I’m not trying to get her trained before the new baby comes by any stretch. I just thought she might want to. I should have made a bigger production of her going on the toilet though. I think I didn’t because she’d peed on the floor, I was trying to get the other girls not to step in it, and trying to keep her steady on the toilet (I suspect she’s a little afraid of falling in! I would think that would get in the way of wanting to go, for sure!) So it was a little hard to concentrate and get excited about it… I was too distracted. Oh, and she wet her shirt, the "tail’ end of it, so that was a distraction too! All in all… it didn’t work as a first "real" potty experience. I’ll figure out how to make it more "fun" in the future, and we’ll see. I don’t want to make a big deal of it right now, because at 16 months, she may not even be physically ready. It IS a bit early.

I got lots of pictures on Thursday, yay me on that score. Lately, I haven’t felt like taking pictures, and actually, I didn’t take as many as I might usually, but I did take enough to get a layout (or two) out of it, and that’s all that matters really, at least to me. I am pretty far behind as it is, but I like to at least get the "holidays" Is Valentine’s day TRULY a holiday? I mean, c’mon! It excludes so many people, it’s not funny…and it was more of a family/friends holiday for us this year. Actually, it’s rare that it’s JUST a couple’s holiday for us… because we have so often thrown a party in the past for it. We call it our "heart on" party (Jerry’s name for it! Of course… Some day he’ll make a great dirty old man, lol!) Actually, I swear it was Jerry’s excuse to get a grope from the women at the party. When people come in, they’re given a heart. They can put it anywhere they want, but if you can’t see it, then a person has the right to go looking for it ;). Hence the name "heart on" because you get a heart to put on. I won’t say anything about what it SOUNDS like… God, I hope to heck there are no kids or teens reading this! I’m doing my best to keep it family reading, but I suspect I’m failing miserably. NOT that any teen or kid would really CARE about my potty training issues, lol! Our last heart on party was two years ago. Last year we were on a flight back from Orlando, and this year, Jerry said no when I asked if we should have it. I’m not sure who would have come anyway, truth be told. We only have about 2 couple friends we see on any regular basis, and a few other friends that we haven’t seen in quite awhile. I’m giving SOME thought to having a dinner party actually, but I’ve NEVER done that, and am not sure what to serve, how to go about it, etc. In other words, I feel a bit awkward doing it. Speaking of parties, I’m probably going to have to skip doing a baby shower as well. In addition to not really having money to do it, not knowing the sex of the baby, there’s no one to host it really. Well, I suspect Kim MIGHT, but I’m not even comfortable asking her after not seeing her for nearly a year. I guess I won’t even worry about it. I’ve followed Dear Abby and Miss Manners over the years, and neither of them would recommend hostessing your own baby shower. It’s considered in rather bad taste to go asking people for gifts (go figure!) With Sammi’s shower, I just wanted people to make her a scrapbook page, and even that didn’t go over very well. Linda could probably hostess… but she had a heart attack right before Sammi’s shower, and I didn’t find out until after she was born! (Well, the shower was right before she was due, so that certain people coming in to town could be here for both) So I don’t know about Linda doing a shower. Plus, she’s not usually real organized. There’s another reason I couldn’t do it for myself, I’m not organized enough to put it together either. So I won’t worry about it. I’m not even going to ask my mom to come in for the birth this time. With her job at Sam’s Club, it’s hard to get time off, especially when it’s more of a leave of absence, and she just seems almost put out when she comes, like she REALLY has better things she could be doing than helping me out. It has always made me a little sad that mom wasn’t the type of mom who ever seemed interested in being there for me. She will admit to not being a baking sort of mom (her mom was) and honestly, I don’t think she got what she needed from her mom when I was born either. Anyway, I don’t feel like "bothering" her this time (and trust me when I say, it IS a bother. She may not admit it, but it is. She left before Shabree was even born! She came, cara-vanned with my dad, then just left, telling us that because dad had "made" her leave so quickly, she had unwashed dishes in her sink!) I don’t think I’ll ever understand her, if the truth be told. Which hurts a lot to say. But if you can’t count on someone, why get your hopes up that something is somehow "magically" going to be different "this time?" I would HOPE at the age of 37, that I’m not that naive. I’m not even going to ask. If she asks, I’ll just tell her the truth, that she just seems so doggone uncomfortable, that I’m just not willing to do that to her, though she is welcome to come, if she wants to…she’s just not obligated. She’s ALWAYS welcome at our house.

Well, it looks like Jerry may actually close this deal he’s been working on… Man, if this happens, I’ll be having all SORTS of "thank GOD" moments, lol.

I am on some sort of ramble today, aren’t I? I’m too tired for my own good right now, and too emotional, actually. I shouldn’t even THINK about things like baby showers… I take it too personally that no one seems to want to hostess. Again with the mom… aren’t these things usually done by the mom? Eh… some days I have to just be too self reliant, and my mother made me realize that at a young, young age. If i want something done, I have to do it myself. Unless it’s something I’m not supposed to do myself, then what? You know how HARD it was for me not to build up walls to people wanting to help me? It’s no wonder I don’t want Medi-CAL… I HATE having to ask anyone for anything. Well, not outside of my immediate family anyway. And I told my dad to keep his money for the time being. He doesn’t have it either. I love that he was willing to help though. And mom already gave me money in a way… it’s just going to take a couple of weeks to get it is the problem. But then, money was never the problem with mom. I personally decided that any time I had to ask her for money, there were too many strings attached. The guy at the gold shop told Jerry that mom likes me better than my brother… I just laughed and told Jerry, no, mom’s just given him more already. She tries to keep things fair, though I actually suspect that things have leaned more his way over the years, because he has no problem with asking her for money, and I’d rather die, though I’ve swallowed my pride enough to do it anyway, at least once. I’d MUCH rather not have to though. I’ve got a family to think of these days though. If not for them, I probably WOULD take the attitude of dying first. She really did something to me, I can’t quite pinpoint it… disappointed me too many times, attached too many strings to things, broke my heart once too often…told me she was going to do something then changed her mind… I don’t know. She has done all these things. Maybe I simply have learned better than to trust her, I don’t know. What I do is simply take everything she says she’ll do as though she won’t actually do it, so if she does happen to do it, I can be pleasantly surprised. But I’m actually much happier taking care of myself.

All right, I’ve been all over the board, and I’m going to stop torturing myself now. What a rant.