2/11/08

Well, the sleep schedule is on and off… one night it’s midnight, the next 3 a.m. It’s KIND of driving me nuts, but I’ll bet it’s driving Jerry nuts more. Sigh. I REALLY don’t have a lot to say. I did manage to go to the social security office on Friday, so I can send in my paperwork now for the Medi-CAL. I guess I’ll cross any money bridges when I come to them…
I’m yawning… it’s only 11:30! I got up at 10:30 this morning! Well… I do seem to need more sleep, that’s for sure. One of the little ways I want me back is to be able to function better on less sleep. Of course, it WOULD help if Sammi would actually sleep through the night, instead of waking up crying multiple times. Some nights she does fine, but lately, she’s been up at various times. She has a cold. I think I circumvented getting it through vitamin C and zinc. Even though she’s always kissing me with snot nose (YUCK!!!!) and getting her little germy-germs all over me. Little love-bug. She’s been SO cranky lately though, it’s driving us all nuts, truth be told. And God forbid you should have a plate of food in front of you… she wants it, even if she has the SAME DARN THING on her plate! And if you don’t give it to her, then she cries… and cries, and cries.
I may be crankier than any of them. I won’t swear to it though.
Speaking of cranky, Becca woke up REALLY sick this morning, throwing up and diarrhea, then proceeded to lay on the couch while we were cleaning up the kitchen, and in a foul mood, ask the other two girls to quit doing whatever it was they were doing. I told her to either go to her room or cut it out. She finally fell asleep, and after that was much better all around, and even managed to eat a bit of steak with her dinner of mashed potatoes and vegetables. She also managed to help clean up, minor miracle there, though NONE of them can stop arguing with the other. Jerry said much of our day is spent either arguing with the girls to get what needs to be done, done and listening to them argue with each other. They are, quite literally, making me want to tear my hair out. You can’t ask Shabree to unload the dishwasher, Syd gets such attitude when asked to put the dishes in the dishwasher, to the point twice in the last week and a half, I’ve grounded her to her room room for making me tell her 3, 4, 5 times to do something, then she proceeds to yell at me, and gets another day of grounding…. then realizes LATER what she did and begs to be let off, because "She didn’t mean to yell at me."
Grrrr. I haven’t let her off yet though. Except this last grounding might as well have not even BEEN a grounding for all the time she spent in her room.
I guess I need a break. I KNOW I need a break. But then, I think Jerry needs a break too, and he’s going to be resentful if I get a break and he doesn’t. I need a serious break… like a good day, or more, away. With or without Jerry (some days, without, just because I DON’T feel like having sex, and that’s always kind of an expected thing if we get away for more than a day together… if not for that, then with)
I know I’ve been bitching a lot lately… I know it. I haven’t been in a great mood, that’s for sure. I’ll probably read this later and regret having wrote it! WHY can’t I get in a good mood? I’m sure it has a lot to do with the pregnancy hormones.

What else? Let me think if there’s ANYTHING good… well, nothing I haven’t already said. I got a new bank account opened (whew), we’re probably going to have a little living money (whew).
Now if only I knew we weren’t going to get kicked out of our house, life would be JUST fine. I don’t know whether it’s worth praying for that or not… I have a small suspicion that getting kicked out might be a good thing, though I just don’t know why. And I’m certainly NOT ready for it to happen right now, that is for sure. I just need to have this baby, get the girls done with this year of school, then see where we’re at. Bec and Syd may not be able to go on to the next grade, they’re both in danger of being held back. Bec because of her grades, Syd because of her state test scores, which she has to bring up, or be held back (damn No Child Left Behind… I hate Bush) If that happens, I just want to take them out. Though I am REALLY not sure what to do with Becca, because she seems hell bent on wasting her life away on trivial pursuits… God forbid she have to grow up! I was folding her laundry today, and she can’t keep her clothes nice, not if her life depended on it. I told her she needs to stop acting like a child and start acting like a young adult, and her response was she’s a child. I told her, oh fine, so let’s start taking away your privileges. She really IS very immature. But then, I can’t really BLAME her for not liking school. I hated school too. But then, look at me, and look at my life. I’m KIND of a loser, when it comes down to it. I try not to think of myself that way, and it’s certainly easier to get away with it as a woman, but I prefer not to work, and I spend too much time on the computer, too much time on trivial pursuits myself. I haven’t done a THING to try and get a job for like two weeks now…. still, it’s hard to watch Becca making the same mistakes. I always kind of regretted it. And she’s not GETTING that. Too wrapped up in herself and her needs.

Well, I’ve also got to stop bitching about Becca… I just see too much of me in her, I guess. She does truly drive me nuts. ONE thing though that’s different about her was that I was always much kinder hearted. I may have been selfish, I’m SURE I was… but I always tried to think about what was the nice thing to do. I remember, I wanted to kill myself, and in the end, I couldn’t do that to the people around me. I just thought like that. I could be selfish, but not THAT selfish, you know? I actually didn’t think of myself as selfish, but I guess my mom and my grandma did. I don’t know…. I mean, yes, I was miserable, and I tried to reason out why I was miserable, and I think that pissed my grandma off. I lived inside my head, that was for sure. Probably NOT that much different from now.

I’m going to post… I’m starting to go in circles in my head, I’m off on a very negative tangent (as usual these days, unfortunately… I REALLY miss me! I want the old me back SO BAD)