11/18/2012

I’ve been wanting to write, but I haven’t had a minute to stop and do it.  All my crops in Farmville withered, lol.  About a year ago, Jerry asked me if I’d go to a swinger’s club with him.  I wasn’t too sure about that, but I knew that I had to do something, because our sex life was incredibly unsatisfying to him.  I thought, well, if he can get his needs met there, cause I"m not meeting them, then that would be a good thing.  But I was pretty nervous about the whole thing.  For the longest time, we’d go to one particular club, and I’d hang out while he explored.  He didn’t really want to do anything without me though, which was gratifying as his wife, but frustrating to my plan, lol.  Finally, I got into the whole idea, mainly because we found someone I could be comfortable with.  The ONLY thing is, rarely do my needs ever get met.  I mean, out of 10 times, I’ll enjoy myself once.  So it’s funny I went into this to meet HIS needs, only to find mine no longer really getting met.  I end up having to meet them myself, for the most part.  Which I can’t decide if that’s ok or not.  It just tends to be the way it is.  About a half a year ago, we began having house parties at our new house, even before we fully moved in.  But there were issues with having it at the house, because it’s in a neighborhood with an HOA, and we had the cops called on us once.  So we started looking for a better place to have the parties, and we found it in a farm we rent that has a "barn" which is actually a concrete building with no heating or air conditioning.  We LOVE it.  We now have chickens, goats, pigs, mini horses, and rabbits.  One of the rabbits died last week, and we’ve also lost two chickens, sadly.  We’re trying to do something other than just the parties, but so far, nothing has really come together.  So anyway, long story short, ha ha, I’ve not been able to write, because I was too busy with food for last night’s party, which was a birthday bash for our bartender/chef (she comes over, and we cook…. she’s really taught the kids a lot about cooking, yay!) and one of our other host team whom was one of the first people we met in the lifestyle.  It’s been fun and gratifying and freeing to be in the lifestyle, but there are some issues.  Like last night, I’m talking to this CUTE asian guy that our bartender has invited SPECIFICALLY because I wanted an asian guy, and we got to talking about the massage class Jerry and I just took (another reason for not writing… I’ve been a busy girl!), so he asks me for a massage.  We actually have a massage table, so I said, sure.  I give an awesome massage (one of my many skills actually… I’m thinking maybe I should go get certified, because I’d be damn good at it, but it’s one of those areas that is getting flooded with people…but the money’s still there, I believe)  So this morning Jerry tells me that I need to find someone to give HIM a massage.  Oh good lord I was pissed.  Yea… our friend takes you and lays you, then you come and do me while I’m working on the asian guy, and you want ME to get YOU a massage.  What did I get out of this?  NOTHING!  I got to be a giver… as usual.  So I am feeling super irritated.  I didn’t even know he went and played with our friend (too busy with the asian, who wasn’t a very good giver, though I’m very challenging, and I accept that.  There are just some things out of my control, you know?  Plus, he had obviously already played with someone else, so there was a challenge on his end too…)  So I’m just all kinds of frustrated, and pissed that somehow I’m supposed to get my husband a massage because I gave another guy a massage.  Like I had time to do this, like I knew who to ask, like I’m just supposed to drop everything… and he tells me "Isn’t that fair?"  Oh HELL NO it isn’t!  So I’ve realized once again, we are NOT in this for my sake, we are totally in this for HIS sake.  I’ve got to stop trying to play with single guys, because it’s nothing but frustrating.  Not that the married ones are that much better…   and I’m sure that my hormonal state isn’t helping matters at all, and I’m not sure if I am doing something wrong, though so far, there’s been no sex since i’ve found out I was pregnant (and even though I did have sex with other men before I found out I was pregnant, Jerry is definitely the father. of this child.  He’s the only one who could have gotten me pregnant during that time frame, so no worries there.  Jerry was worried.)   Sadly, one of his big fears is that me being pregnant will chase people away… too much reality maybe.  I don’t think it will… because our friends will understand, and we have such a mixed crowd, and it’s not like I play all that often.  Many times there’s just no time to play.  I had to tell one friend though, because she was like "I’m gonna get you drunk." and I had already had to dump one shot I couldn’t get out of (and later, had to dump another shot I couldn’t get out of either….  this group can be awfully pushy sometimes)  She was so excited for me.  So I sat with her much of the night, manning the door.  I had forgotten what it was like to do these things sober, which is kind of sad.  I’d cut back, but I was still drinking, and so this was the first time in months that I was at a party sober, and I am just amazed at how much better I feel.  I’d come to use the alcohol as a crutch to get me so I could play. 

Having said that, I am reminded that this is the first pregnancy I’ve had where I haven’t felt sick as a dog.  In fact, I feel awesome.  It’s like a whole other world of pregnancy.  From what I can find, it’s a great sign I am having a boy.  Girls make you sicker.  So I am really super happy to be pregnant… I don’t feel miserable in the least.  I’ve been taking a chewable multivitamin and a krill oil supplement every day, though I need to go buy some more of those chewables.  The only thing is I hate burping them back up… yuck.  I’m at six weeks, with every other pregnancy, I was in full swing of feeling pukey all day long.  Every once in awhile, I’ll get to feeling yucky, and some smells really make me nauseated… there was something rotting in our fridge and that made me reel when I opened the door.  Fortunately, it was found an eliminated.  But yea, I should really be sick and I’m not.  The only other thing, which does worry me a bit, is that it could be that the pregnancy hormones are tapering off and I’ll miscarry, but I haven’t even been spotting, so I don’t think that’s the case.  My sense of smell is heightened, though not overwhelming, my boobs ache every once in awhile (ugh when men want to be rough with them!), I’m peeing a BUNCH.  I’m not so tired, but I realized that one thing I’d do in the previous pregnancies was take allergy medication to help with the morning sickness, and it would make me REALLY sleepy.  I haven’t been doing that, and so while I am more tired, I’m not exhausted all the time like I was previously.  In fact, last night I h

it a second wind about 3 in the morning, and we did a major amount of cleanup before we went to bed.  We finished it up this morning in record time, because I was up and not sick at about 8 a.m. having to pee really badly.  I tried to go back to sleep, but Jerry was making a LOT of noise putting everything away, and I couldn’t lie there and just let him do it himself.  When we finished, we went to Hometown for breakfast/lunch, and again, what would have made me sick in the past, I was just FINE today…  and I had a moment where I almost cried, because I knew I was having a son, and I’d really be attached to him.  He’s going to be my last child.  I’m sure I’ll be miserable at the end of this pregnancy, but for now, I feel wonderful, and for that, I am entirely grateful.  I haven’t thrown up once… not once.  Lovely.  This is exactly what I wanted to happen, so that just makes it even better.  For an "accidental" pregnancy, I’m feeling so happy.  

I’m going to go play Farmville for awhile.  Maybe I’ll write more later.