11/14/2012

I must still be in the "honeymoon" phase of pregnancy, because I feel pretty darn good.  A little nausea here and there, but it’s NOTHING.  I’m waiting for things to kick in.  I’ve been, TMI, horny, much more so than normal.  Of course, it DOES NOT HELP that I’ve been on Yahoo answers, and the amount of information these women (girls really) give when explaining why they think they’re pregnant is… well, ridiculous, and a really weird turn on at times.  So I gave my husband a good time last night.  I think i was even asleep before midnight.  I was in the middle of giving the man a massage, and Alex knocks, and then just WALKS IN!  I was soooo glad we weren’t "doing" anything, you know?  I locked the door after that, and she didn’t do it again, but it was a good half an hour before she stopped making noise.  She’s a night owl.  Nowadays her bedtime is around 10-11, but she’s been up at late as 1-2 at times.  She usually gets up around 9, which totally works for me, but it’s kind of annoying to have her walking in on us at 10 at night, when she should be in bed.  The problem is, you can put her to bed with the other girls, but she’ll just get out anyway, and sometimes she plays by herself, and if she should get up early, then she always ends up napping at the worst times.  I’ve basically given up.  I’ll deal with it all next year when she goes to kindergarten, and HAS to be up at 7.  Shabree’s not looking forward to having to take her to school, but who knows, maybe she’ll end up in afternoon kindergarten, and she’ll just have to bring her home.  The school is 2 doors down.  We had to move last April to a slightly smaller house, that we’re renting, we finally lost the house to foreclosure.  We like the new house, and there is a community pool which costs us 25 dollars a year, so that was nice to be able to use this summer, and we used it in May, June and July, but then the girls got some sort of skin issue, and we had to quit going, and we never really went back.  Not even in Sept, when it was still hot as hell around here, up in the 100s most of Sept.  I guess I just lost the will to take them, and they couldn’t go by themselves, except for Becca, who barely went ever, and when she did go, didn’t get in the pool…at the most she’s go in the hot tub.  Alex LOVES the hot tub, and calls it the hot spa.  I’m wondering if I could go in it while I’m pregnant.  This baby is due like July 17th, 7 days after Shabree’s birthday, and 4 days after she was supposed to be born, so I could end up with another July 10th baby.  I haven’t told Jerry that, because I’m trying not to talk about the pregnancy much, if at all.  I did ask him if my boobs look larger, I swear they do!  He didn’t have an answer for me, I’ll have to ask again in the daytime, lol.  I haven’t had much in the way of symptoms.  Tired, peeing a bit more, bit of nausea, twinges in the uterine area after sex, that sort of thing, and I suppose it’s really too early yet, since I’m only about 5 weeks along (I hate how it’s calculated out!)  Actually, I’m almost 6 weeks, time flies.  LOL…  it’s soo hard to keep it to myself, but there are a lot of good reasons to, so I am doing just that, even though I’d love to shout it to the world.   I’m trying not to get too excited, or even think about it too much.  If I lose this one, that’s it.  Jerry’s NOT going to go for this again, and he’s not going to make the same mistakes again.  I’d actually been praying that he’d stop using condoms.  I’d had visions of this little tow headed boy, blond as could be (which is possible, Shabree was very blond when she was little)  a little mama’s boy, lol….  and I KNEW that if I got pregnant, that would be my child.  But we’d talk about it, and Jerry was just done.  He didn’t seem open to the idea at all.  I basically just said to God "If you want this to happen, you’re going to have to work on Jerry to make it happen.  I’m open to whatever comes."  So when he stopped using the condoms, I saw that as an answer, but we didn’t get pregnant, and I started thinking that Jerry is 43, I’m 42, he’s got diabetes, we’re not going to be able to get pregnant.  That was last month… and this is this month.  He’s figured out that I knew when I was ovulating, and didn’t tell him I was fertile.  But I think my hormones and my needs just got the better of me.  I really don’t know if I WILL have a boy, and I’ll take what comes, but I honestly can’t believe that none of these things are true.  I know my mind can play tricks on me, for months I’ve thought, oh I’ve got to be pregnant, and I wasn’t… this was the first month in awhile that I was just like "You can’t be pregnant, you probably can’t even get pregnant" and blast it all, the jokes on me, now isn’t it?  So it could just as easily be another girl, despite my prayers.  I really have to question so many of my thoughts, where they’re coming from, because so much of what I think is real, turns out not be as real as I thought it would be… it’s rather humbling, but I guess it’s a good thing I can see the truth for what it is.  Despite what I say about praying, and God, I’m not convinced about any of it, I really don’t believe in the Bible.  But I do occasionally get answers to my thoughts, and those answers are correct and accurate.  I think I’ve probably lost some of my spirituality, and much of my faith… but old habits do die hard, so I am still very much in the habit of praying and looking to God for guidance, and I can’t totally dis-believe, because I’ve had one too many experiences that prove SOMETHING cares about me.  I’ve actually questioned if I let a lower spirit in somehow and it’s torturing me with messing with me…?   But here’s one thing… awhile back, I got told that I’d be pregnant within 6 months… now, that was said before we moved out of the old house, so it’s been longer than 6 months…. but it’s only been two months of using no protection.  

So Jerry’s not really happy about the "not planning" this pregnancy, though with him, he doesn’t really express his unhappiness very harshly, so some of it is just me, interpreting how he says things.  He’s gonna roll with it, he always does, and he is a kid person too, and if it is a boy, he’ll probably enjoy the change as much as I do, as much as any of us would.  So I’m not worried about his not being happy…he’ll come around.  However, what he said was that things like vacations have to be put on hold, and more importantly, I was supposed to go back to work next year when Alex goes to kindergarten (I had to wonder though, who picks her up from kindergarten?  The type of work I’d do would most certainly be full time)  So this probably changes that.  It’s a really good question as to what the future holds.  I think it was meant to be.  I certainly didn’t mean to "plot" it, but then, Jerry was part of it too…. I suppose I should have warned him, he knows I didn’t say anything, and I initiated sex that one night, which he says he should

have known, and yea, I was thinking the same thing at the time!  This should be a huge clue to you that I’m fertile, but I want this so badly, I’m not going to say anything and see what happens, which probably nothing will happen.  You can see how I was deceiving myself for protection against the massive risk I was taking!  I wouldn’t have plotted though if he’d been on board, and I didn’t make him NOT use a condom… I was just much more passive about it.  When he didn’t though, I was kind of thinking, guess God does want this to happen.  I’m thinking someone has to get fixed after this one though.  When my first husband Gregg asked me how many children I wanted, I answered 6.   I think he was taken aback by that, lol… no matter though.  I will now have my 6, and it needs to be time to be done…  I thought at 38 that I was too old for this, and I’m sure when this one is born, I’ll be super grateful to have him/her out of my body, which will probably be hurting constantly, if the past is any indication.  Babies sure do take it out of you.

I’ve got to find a doctor I can trust, who will work with me.  I am thinking I want a natural birth, a third VBAC… the odds should be about as good as someone who never had a C-section in the first place, though that might require one more pregnancy to bring the odds that low.  But having had two other successful VBACs, one would think this one would be fine too…even with my "advanced maternal age."  lol.  One big concern is going to be my weight, which as of this morning was at 208, so still a good 60 pounds above my high school weight.  I wonder if the doctor would like to put me on a controlled diet and get rid of some of this excess weight.  Probably not, but I might just suggest it. 

Well, my friend Tienne called me, and I don’t want the kids to see this, so I’ll write more later.