10/17/2011

We had an accident the other night during sex, lost the condom… thing is, I have been having conversations with God about this, along with visions of a tow headed boy coming my way, and I told God, I don’t want any more children, and Jerry definitely doesn’t want any more children, so if we’re going to have another one, then it’s going to take something going wrong… which it did.  Now the interesting part was the timing of this, because a day or two later, and it would have been Oh well, no big deal.  But I had just had the pain that tells me there goes an egg, it hurts more than my periods these days.  So there is this HUGE chance that I have gotten pregnant, and if it does, then it was totally meant to happen, I had a ton of premonitions about it.  I can’t help but think with the timing, it would have to be another girl, but I have had all these visions of a boy, little blond boy, cute as all my kids are.  I suspect he’d lose the blond hair as he grew up…Shabree was blond when she was little, and now her hair is brown.  I’m not talking about any of this to Jerry, I think it would freak him out.  He honestly will adjust to the idea of being pregnant, but we were done, we both said we were done.  I told him the other night if we ARE done, then we’d better go about getting fixed so this sort of thing can’t happen again.  In the meantime, I am praying I’m not pregnant, but I am actually sort of resigned to the thought that I am.  I guess I’ll see what the next two weeks brings.  LOL, I bought some chewable vitamins made for adults, and have started taking them.  I’d been meaning to get some anyway actually.  I’ve been making a lot of changes to my life, and one thing I’m doing is working on getting healthy, losing weight, which I am doing slowly.  VERY slowly, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing either.  I do need to lose a few more pounds though, because some clothes Jerry bought for me simply don’t fit, and I need to have 10 pounds off.  I’m writing a book or two, MAYBE 3 if I have enough short stories.  God keeps telling me to give up everything else I’m doing and just write, and I can’t do it.  But none of my other businesses are going particularly well, either.  I’m trading scrapbooks for coaching and editing though, but my editor, who is now probably my best friend, Tienne, isn’t exactly sending me pictures to scrapbook with, so I have just been writing…however, she mentioned to me the other day it’s been a month since I sent her anything.  I am thinking of starting next month’s novel writing exercise early, lol…but here I am writing in my diary instead.  Of course, this whole pregnancy thing is weighing kind of heavily on my mind.  Part of me hopes I’m not, but a part hopes I AM, and I will be a little disappointed if I’m not…but I have 5 children as it is, and that is enough, it truly is.  I don’t look forward to having a baby, though I shall deal with it if it happens.  God tells me that I’ll be just fine.  I was made to be a mother, other than writing, it was all I ever wanted for my life.  Slowly but surely, I am making all my childhood dreams come true.  Big family-check.  Learned sign language-check.  Traveled to Hawaii (and lots of other places)-check and still checking…got to visit Asia some day.  Writing a book-check.  Publishing said book-not checked, but will get there.  I no longer feel blocked about writing a book.  I don’t feel scared, I don’t feel like I can’t do it for whatever reason.  And it’s like Tienne was PUT in my path to make it happen.  She probably was, I do believe things like that happen.  I don’t believe in coincidences.  I’d better get that book done if I am pregnant though, because once a baby’s here, I’m not going to have much time for anything other than him or her.  And not to be getting too far ahead of myself, but I hope breastfeeding goes better.  I’ll have the tools much more handy this time…ok, better wrap this up and actually get to writing.  My character’s name is Jeannie Green, and she awaits.  Oh, and Mark, but I haven’t been working on him at all…he’s a bit of a weird story…weird but cool.