08/02/2010

Saw The Sorcerer’s Apprentice tonight. It… I don’t know, struck a chord in me. I keep having the line from The Karate Kid going around in my head "Your focus needs more focus." I’ve been adrift for so long, SO long. I haven’t been myself in a long time. I’ve sorely missed me. That sounds funny. But it’s so sad. I have missed me. The video games have been all consuming. I went from playing Farmville to Frontierville, and I’m a little bored with Frontierville, and definitely Farmville has completely lost my interest. I’ve begun to think that I play solely to avoid living. I don’t really know. It’s got to be part addiction, but I have been rather miserable. Maybe my head was just in the sand. I can’t say. This may end up something of a ramble. I’m sure I was suffering somewhat from depression, but I no longer really ALLOW myself to be depressed, so my theory is just that I avoided living my life by burying myself in my games. This despite the voices telling me that I have better things to do with my life. I want to get to writing my book. I could at least clean house, despite how lousy I am at it…. and Jerry is quite upset with me about the games…but then, he’s part of the problem, part of the frustration surrounding it all… part of why I miss myself. Partially, I’ve matured, and in doing so, lost some silliness. But I lost my sense of humor, it’s just been gone, and I can’t even find it in myself to be silly with my kids. I’ve been terribly unhappy. I can’t really talk to Jerry much. Some days, I’m not even sure what’s holding our marriage together, other than loyalty. I’ve been ready to leave so many times, and I just can’t. I can’t do it to the kids, I can’t do it to Jerry, and I don’t want things to change that much. I do love him. I just hate being so miserable and not knowing where or how to find what made me, ME. I’m some darker version of myself. it’s hard to explain. But even when I was younger and miserable, I had a lot of hope, and I had a sense of humor… it always flashed in my darkest times, and I was just plain old silly… I had my coping mechanisms.

I don’t know what all this has to do with The Sorcerer’s Apprentice :). Stupid computer restarted as I was writing about my suicidal tendencies as a teenager…talk about your signs, eh?  

Anyway, there was a time, in my 20s, when I was in love with the show "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" and they had one episode where he blew out the candles with his hand, and I LOVED that.  I tried to teach myself how to do that, I was SO convinced it could be done, am still convinced, but I never taught myself/learned how to do it, and I forget why I quit, some complaint, maybe from Gregg that I was messing with the energy in the room too much and it was distracting…something like that.  So many of my beliefs from that time are gone, I barely believe in God anymore.  I’m becoming more and more convinced that humans ARE God…whether we want to believe it or not, whether or not we want to accept it.  I also wonder… if there IS a God, does He exist because Humans create Him?  Now, there’s a turn around for ya ;).  I sort of miss my faith, but in some ways, I’m becoming more liberated from old chains without those beliefs.  I’ve become freer, but more aware that…as Uncle Ben said in Spiderman (or was it the Aunt?) "With great power comes great responsibility" and I’m convinced that’s the main reason humans don’t want to believe themselves God…. they do NOT want the responsibility that comes with having complete control over their own lives, and of course, evil would come straight from man, not some Devil or Satan tempting them… sigh.  But I no longer see much of God in the world.  I think humans are perfectly capable of creating the world as we know it, heck, if we’re capable of creating babies, we have NO concept of the limits of our capabilities for creation!  No God explains a lot.  Though I am too tired to really explain what, because I just lost that entire line of thought, doggone it.

Anyway, things have been coming to a head for me, because I can no longer stand to be the person I’ve become, and I’ve got to change things.  And while I know that a lot of people would see The Sorcerer’s Apprentice as merely Hollywood film magic, it struck a chord in me because I have always believed that in a more advanced world, much of that would be possible.  Jerry is fond of saying "Whether you can or can’t, you’re right." so belief has a LOT to do with it.  It got me to thinking about focus, and realizing my focus is really just terribly UNfocused, hence why I thought of the line from the Karate Kid…  Right now, it’s so late, and I’m getting more and more unfocused, but in my ramblings, I just kind of want to remind myself that once upon a time, I had a thought for my life, and I’ve let the thought go, or maybe put it on the back burner, and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to move it to the front and center and DO something with my life already.  I turned 40 in June.  It was uneventful.  Terribly so.  For what should have been a milestone, it was a quiet day I barely remember, and it’s only been a month since it happened.  The most memorable thing was my mom sent me 40 dollars, lol… because I turned 40, and I bought myself a new swim suit with the money… I loved it, and Jerry didn’t.  It didn’t show enough skin for him, but I loved it for how it flowed.

I know this is turning into a major ramble, but I guess I don’t care too much.  I think I’m going to give up nursing Alex so I can do something about my face once and for all, so that I’ll feel better about at least that.  I may, hopefully be done with the games… I FEEL like I’m done, but I think only time will tell if I’m truly done.  I want to quit playing, they’re such a distraction from what I really ought to be doing. And as for what I ought to be doing… well, writing about what’s possible out there in the world, and disguising it as total fiction, just to plant the idea in people’s heads and give them something to niggle at their brains… lol.  Hey, I think it’s possible, so why not?  How many things do we have today that started off as fiction once upon a time?  Oh my goodness, there was a scene straight from Star Wars in the movie tonight that just about had me on the floor laughing, it was so funny.  Now THERE is a movie that’s fact disguised as fiction.  The best ones always are.  The hero’s journey….good stuff.

I should get to bed.  I’ve got to get some things resolved before I am going to be able to really move forward…but I am going to have to change me before I can ask other people to start changing….   but Jerry and I do need to have a talk, once I can figure out what’s in my head, and what he’s really doing.  I know that probably sounds weird, but some things, I do tend to make into bigger than they really are.  I need to figure out what the difference is.  I’m heading off.
 

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