04/23/2013
After 12 hours of sleep, I am finally starting to feel like myself again. Won’t last, because we’ll start all over on Thursday with the 4 hour nights, sigh. It’s got to be a big part of the roller coaster, the fact that my sleep schedule is SO screwed up that some nights I’m getting 4 hours, others 12. I end up so exhausted by Monday when she leaves that I spend the next three days recovering, and don’t get much done at all. Thankfully, she helps get things done when she’s here… however, by that time, there’s party prep, and of course the sex which after the kids get to sleep, some not until midnight or later (the 4 yr olds mostly) means we’re not starting til 12-1 in the morning, and finishing at 4 in the morning… then up at 7:30 if I have to get the kids up, MAYBE 8, 8:30 if I don’t due to the sun, and the 4 year olds being up and demanding…HOW does a 4 year old function on 8 hours sleep??? Party nights are always not getting to sleep until 3-4, sometimes 5, and that would be fine, IF it was 1 day a week… and I MIGHT be able to sleep until 9 on the morning after a party, so again, functioning on maybe 6 hours of sleep, IF I’m lucky. Now, I’m the type of person who can go a BIT without food… though Jerry says I get cranky, I have the ability to control it much better, and I don’t have blood sugar issues (I have managed to not gain any weight this pregnancy, might have mentioned that before) but sleep… if I don’t get enough sleep, I have a LOT of trouble monitoring and controlling my emotions. So things that I might otherwise let go, become these big deals, I spiral down MUCH easier. Well, anyone whose been reading me for a long time knows that when I get depressed, it’s usually at night when I haven’t had enough sleep, and my "cure" for depression is to go to bed!!! Of course, it’s a little different being pregnant, it really compounds things a lot, and I need more sleep…etc. So this is a fairly serious issue. The timing of this whole thing sucks in a way I can’t begin to describe. Jerry though is pretty happy (except when either of us is unhappy, so I’m not saying that) but he too recognizes the parallels from when I met him. Though Jane had already moved Steve in when I met him, so that’s a BIG difference. I recognize Jerry’s needs, I’m not sure Jane ever did. Which doesn’t make this any easier… but I find myself unable to just cut the whole thing off…besides, I REALLY like Lily. If I didn’t, she’d have been out the door 3 or 4 weeks ago. But she’s just a really nice person, easy to get along with, very affectionate, very helpful…she’s barely letting me lift a finger! What’s NOT to like? No, seriously, I like this woman a lot.
I was in bed last night, talking to God, and got to thinking about the road less traveled, and God said, The road less traveled is often filled with thorns. It HURTS. It’s filled with adventure, and learning experiences, and lots of benefits the people who take the regular road don’t get, but it also is often filled with pain and anguish. God basically told me that He tried to warn me off this road, because of the pain involved, but being me, I opened myself up to it, and my wishes were fulfilled. As usual, this was eye opening to me. I don’t get it sometimes. I have been rejecting God, I have been questioning the "reality" of it all, but when I have experiences like that, I realize God really does exist. What I don’t get is when the voices tell me this will be an easy pregnancy, and in many ways, it’s been the hardest one yet. I was having thoughts the other day that much of the joy of being pregnant has been sucked out because of the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on. The other night, I thought I walked in on Jerry and Lily having sex, they weren’t, but I could have SWORN that’s what I heard… and I just said I was sorry, left, and went to Sammi’s and Alex’s bed to sleep, but I was having the most massive cramping and I thought for sure I was going to have to go to the hospital, but thankfully, things subsided, though my heart kept racing, and Diana was kicking up a STORM. I can only hope that doesn’t cause any lasting damage… I was REALLY stressed. And the sad part was, NOTHING happened! I even started to question what I had "seen." Jerry is so concerned about me, that he always comes and checks on me, and hours passed and he didn’t… he finally woke up and came and got me. A night for sleep, and I couldn’t sleep!!! Dammit.