Thinking yet lost.

 It have been forever since I have wrote anything in here….

Being in love with someone you can’t have really sucks, more so if you have a day like I did where I thought to much about people and their lives. I took my aunt to the doctors today, why we were waiting for her to go back we started talking about different things, one thing that got me thinking about what I am writing about now is my brother. She was telling me about the convo she had with him. He took his wife to the docs about pain in her chest, nothing bad thank god, but they did a pregnancy test why she was there just to be safe, cos that is a sign from what the doc said. My brother was like no she can’t be, they already have 2 kids as it is and he doesn’t want another one, maybe later on but not right now, so it was kind of funny…. but anyway, after that I kept seeing people with someone, not all of them had kids, but they had someone.

It got me thinking… I know i said I never wanted to fall in love again, and in a way I still don’t want to, though today made me see how I don’t have anyone. Yea I have my family, but that’s not the same thing, you can only talk about so much with your family, and well some of my family I can’t even talk to at all. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my live, but I don’t want to fall in love again and get hurt, once again. Being in love with someone as it is I know I can’t have and never will be able to have doesn’t help much either. I am still hurting with love. I have always told people that there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to wait till they find you, well I believe I found the one for me, but couldn’t hold on to him. So if I can’t keep the one I believe was meant for me, how in the hell can I even think about finding someone else.

I miss having someone to talk to, someone to hold me, someone to be able to kiss and everything else that you do with the one you are with. It have been so long since I have been with someone in any way like any of those ways that it’s kind of sad, but then again not really. I know that more then likely makes no sense what so ever, at times I don’t think I even get it, like now. 🙂 Life is something you make it, though if you don’t have a life how do you start to have one? There is alot I need to do, and so far not happening, but I haven’t been trying like I should or can, now sure why really, guess to lazy… lovely way to be when you want something more in your life isn’t it? NOT!

I don’t know for sure what I want, though I do know I want a job that I can be able to pay my bills alone, have my own place that I can afford, get a damn car so I don’t have to ask to use my brothers, have a life more then I have now, and maybe I’m not really sure about this one, have someone. I do miss having someone, and I don’t want to be alone, though in the back of my mind I see believe I am meant to be alone…. I’m just all messed in the head it would see. Though that is nothing new for me and anyone who knows me. lol

On another note, I really miss being able to have the fun you can have in your bedroom with someone, other then my own hand. That does get pretty old after awhile, though I’m not the kind of person to go get someone just to have the fun time with. All the people I ever did anything with I care about, well that’s not 100% true, there was one guy (a friend) that I did some things with, though I do regret doing it with him, plus that was a very long time ago when I was young and stupid; I can say one thing for sure about him, he had great hands and he knew how to kiss.

If I was that kind of person I do know some friends who would be more then willing to take me up on that, but I can’t do it, even at times I really want something other then myself. Ah life, what can you do but be who you are.

Well that’s enough about all this, I should really start writing more in this things, after all I do have it still, so why not use it. Right? Till next time, be safe and have fun when you can.