Just a rant from S*G

This is just a rant from me, so if you don’t wish to read, then I won’t make you. I’m just going to do it in here instead of my other OD. Don’t really matter where I write it, cos both of the OD’s are mine anyway….

I’m not sure how my life is going to turn out, though I don’t think anyone knows that for sure, all any of us can do is try to make it as best as we can and hope that it comes out like we planned in some way. I don’t really know what I want out of my life, but I do know who I want to be with. The only thing is, the more time goes by the harder it is for me to believe I am going to be with the one I love. Doesn’t help that he doesn’t know who is wants or what he wants. I know he loves me, he has said so himself, but at times I really wonder if he love me like someone loves another, or if he just loves me as a friend anymore.

Then again I have to wonder if he even wants to be my friend anymore, he has told me he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but yet he doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t leave me comments on my Xanga anymore or doesn’t email me… Though I don’t really email him or leave him comments, only reason is because I’m not sure if he would want me to, so I don’t.  I told him that he will never lose me, that I will always be his friend if that is all that will become of us… Though it’s hard to really believe this myself because I don’t know really where I stand with him anymore for how he is acting with me now.

I’m so confused about all of this and torn as well. I don’t want to give up on us being together, but everyday that passes it’s hard not to give up. Every time he is online and doesn’t say anything to me, doesn’t leave me anything, doesn’t talk to me, it gets harder to believe anything will ever be with us, more then friends or even friends at times.

I know he is trying to find out about his life, and what he wants and he is trying to do what is right with God, and all of that, but come on, you don’t shut out someone you say you love and don’t want to lose. Do you? I don’t see the point in that at all, I don’t see how you can say I don’t want to lose you, but turn around and never say two words to that person. (He kind of has said more then two words to me, but in a way it’s like he is just doing it, not because he wants to, that’s how I feel about it anyway.)

I love him, he made me believe in love again and to try again… but now I am getting closer to just giving up on it all and not even worry about love because it just seems that love has given up on me. I know some people will tell me not to give up on love, that everyone gets hurt and all that, but I’m not everyone, I’m tried of getting hurt when it comes to love, I am tried of loving someone and then getting hurt in the end. Having a heart of gold (like most of my friends like to say I have) sucks at times, because you care so much about someone but get hurt in the end.

I don’t want to be someone who starts to not care anymore, someone who once cared so much for others to start not caring at all for anyone. That isn’t who I am, hell I care more for others then I do myself half the time, so if I don’t care anymore then who in the heck will I be then? I don’t want to think about it to much because I don’t have an answer for that. I don’t want to find out either.

You know that saying Love hurts, well that is not just a saying that is a fact. I have and I’m sure everyone has learn that listen, but doesn’t mean that I have to let it keep happening to me. I don’t know, I just the only thing I can do is just wait and see what happens and hope that I don’t lose myself to much with waiting.

I think I ranted enough for one night, I think I shall hit the hay. Goodnight everyone, and take care.

S*G

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