some tips to make our time run more smoothly

dear fred meyers customers (or krogers, or ray’s place, for those of you not in the pacific northwest),
i would like to propose a set of guidelines or ground-rules for our future encounters, so that your shopping experience and my work day might go a bit more smoothly than they have in the past.

Firstly, i would like to address the basics of our interaction.
1.  When I approach you (which is more likely than the next item), and ask you "hey, hows it going?" or some variation thereof, i literally mean, "how are you today."
    while this might seem mundane to you, this information is going to be very significant in our relationship as salesman and customer (respectively) from here on out, and i am honestly asking you how you are doing, and if you are finding everything you need.
       I am honestly concerned that you might not find everything you need, and am trying to help you as best I can.  I am a naturally helpful person, and want everyone who comes into my area to get the best service they can (mostly because i dont want them fucking up my aisles, but thats another point).

1.a. 
    if i say "how are you doing today," and you respond with "coolers," be prepared to receive the response of "fishing poles," or "naked mole rats." as you have not answered my question, and i have assumed that we are just naming random objects.

2.  Get to the point.
       While i want to know how you are doing today, i do not want your life story (unless it is incredibly interesting, and you happen to have been involved (deeply) in american politics over the last century and can help me once i get a job).  Tell me what you need, if you dont know exactly what you need, at least describe the problem you are experiencing.  pictures or the part you need are very helpful.  what is not helpful or expedient is saying something along the lines of "that thing that screws the toilet into the ground but goes under the toilet and between the floor etc etc……"  what you are after is the wax seal for the bottom, and no we do not carry that.  i am sorry, but you should have picked a better time to look for it (see further).

3.  I did not fuck you over.
      Perhaps someone else has, and for that, i truly apologize.  I really do want to help every single person i can while i am at work.  perhaps it is a flaw.  i dont know.  but what i need you to understand, just as i understand that you arent trying to be a colossal dickweed to me (rather to the person who fucked you over), you need to understand that if you give me a chance, I will do everything in my power to make you happy.

4.  Finding what you need
    Odds are, if we dont carry what you need, and i know anything about it at all, i can give you the address and phone number, or at least business name of the people who do have it and know what you need.  Please understand that my knowledge of everything is not infinite.  there are gaps in my great wisdom. 

5.  Ending the conversation.
    When i ask if there is anything else i can help you find, i truly mean this.  i want to help you (again, though not because of my 100% altruistic nature… mostly i just dont want you fucking up my aisles that i have to fix later).  I want you to get what you wanted today, because i know (with my masters in education with a focus in business admin) that we receive more business from repeat customers than we do from impulse buyers or necessity purchases. 
So, please, for the love of god/allah/buddah, jesus, the giant spaghetti monster, etc, say "thank you" at the end of our transaction.  It will make me much more likely to help you the next time i see you, and your response will dictate whether or not i choose to acknowledge you the next time you are in the store.

that is all…. there will be an addendum to come featuring some of the problem customers i see each day, and how they can change their behaviors so that they will receive better service.