12/25/2011

I’ve started this entry in a number of different ways so far.  I’ve deleted all of them.

All of this is new to me.  My experience with dating ended when I was 17.  She told me the other day that we’re moving too fast.  That all of this has happened too quickly.  What I’ve been able to piece together is that her past relationship is still too much of a big deal for her.  She and her ex dated for 4 years.  They were broken up for about 2 months when we started dating.  I think that’s part of why I was so worried in the beginning that I was just a rebound.  Just a second-place fall-back plan.  She told me that even though she feels like we’ve moved too quickly and need to slow down, that it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to be with me.

She’s always been independent.  Maybe too much so.  We spent the 16th- the 23rd together, and I think it was a bit much for her.  I had planned on spending Christmas eve with her, and ended up driving home on the 23rd.  Granted, it’s only a day early, but it still hurts to feel like she doesn’t want me around as much as I want to be around her.

I think I’ve finally understood how Aryn always told me she felt, even though I never saw it this way when we were together – It sucks to be the person who feels like they care more than the other.  I just wish I knew what to do about this.  I want to give her what she needs, which for the moment appears to be time away from me.  On the other hand I want nothing more right now than to be there with her.  What I want, and what seems necessary to make this relationship work are two very different things right now, and it hurts. 

She says she cares about me, that she loves me.  I opened myself up here in a way that I haven’t in a long time, but now I’m beginning to wall myself off again.  I’m putting in distance so that if things do change I can deal with it better.  That’s no way to expect something to work.  She told me that she needs my patience and understanding.  I’m trying to give it, but it’s making me unhappy.

I don’t know what do do with this.  I don’t know what to not do.