I Don’t Have to Set Myself on Fire to Keep You Warm

So, I had a rough day. Argued with someone that I hate to argue with. In fact, I hate arguing at all. I’m so non-confrontational when it comes to deeply emotional matters. When it comes to speaking up for myself at a job or something like that, I do ok. Because the stakes aren’t high. But when it’s someone I care a lot about, I just….freeze up. I’m always afraid of saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment that I can’t take back. And that might’ve happened today. On the one hand, it needed to be said. On the other hand, it was maybe more brutal than it needed to be. And I can’t stop worrying about it. Did I change something irreversibly? Did I screw everything up?

My family used to have this saying “She wouldn’t say ‘crap’ if she had a mouth full of it…” (not necessarily talking about me – it was just a general saying) but it fits me perfectly. I am so guilty of just taking abuse and putting up with so much garbage just to avoid DEALING with things. But in the last couple of years, I’ve been learning a LOT about boundaries and taking care of myself. So MY new saying is “I don’t have to set myself on fire to keep YOU warm.” I’m learning that it’s ok to take care of your own needs and that setting boundaries is GOOD for relationships because it keeps you from resenting that person in the long run. I’m learning that you’re NOT a bad person (or daughter or sister or friend) if you put your own husband and kids and SELF before other people. I’ve learned a ton and I’m still learning. I’m learning how to deal with things before I’m at that critical stress point where I can’t even convey my feelings. I’m learning how to convey exactly what it is that I need from certain people. And I’m also learning that I can’t make people do what I want (need) them to do but I can control how I respond to the situation. And some people only want you in their lives when they NEED something but when their life is good, they don’t need you any more. Or even more hurtful, when YOU need something….they’re no where to be found.

Something I’ve been pondering a lot lately (and would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this) is that maybe some people are just not meant to be nurtured and cared for in life. Maybe there are some people who will always be needed by their loved ones MORE than what they need their loved ones. Does that make sense? Because that’s how I feel. It never feels like the “right time” or the “right circumstances” to let myself be needy – this friend is going through financial hardships and this sister is going through a divorce and that friend is taking care of a sick parent and that friend is under a lot of stress…..and it’s always something.

I saw this meme once….it said “Maybe some people were meant to understand but to never be understood.” Story of my life.