Seventeen 76

In which our Hero wonders if possibly legacies can be selective

[BonnieRose] suggested we make something of a garden/art project out of our OpenDiary by setting down regrets to be buried with the rest of the site. I’m intrigued by the idea. At the same time, some of those are great stones buried deep, and I don’t know that I want to disinter them. What if there’s unprocessed hurt there?

Somewhere in the hidden start of this diary, a 15-years-younger me made a note of my rules of life. Rule #1 was don’t get caught. Rule #2 was when in doubt, change the rules. And then there was a separate pair of rules, Don’t do something you’ll regret and don’t regret something you do. And boy did I blow those last two.

Which leads me to the regret that I don’t want my cousins to read this diary. Not uncensored. I can live with them reading bits, I want them to see bits so that they can get glimpses of their own younger selves, but I don’t want them to know so much about all of the stupid things I’ve done in my life. I told Willow that this place was shutting down and she said I had to back it up so that she could read it when I’m dead. But she would be so disappointed with me. Any of them would be, regardless of their own mistakes. I’m sure they’d be merciful in the end… but I just don’t want that story to be told.

I think what I’ll do is create an expurgated version. Maybe something personalized to call out times I’ve written about each of them. But I wish I wasn’t so very ashamed of some of my choices. And I deeply regret that I am.

I’ve already put contact information into a more official farewell to this place. Everything since that entry is just doodling in the notebook because there are a few pages left. Just in case, though, good bye.