Rogers & Santastein Present: The Elves & I

In which our Hero shares the story he got from a guy he met in a bar

If you’re one of the ones who celebrate it, Gentle Reader, I wish you a very merry Christmas and all the warmth and joy of the holidays. I’m grateful for your companionship which has helped to keep me as marginally sane as I am. If Christmas is not your thing, then accept my Christmas wish anyway as the best my world has to offer you, but also I wish you health and joy to keep you warm against the long winter nights (or cool against the long summer days if you’re in Australia. 🙂

I’ll be spending the evening with family, missing Nocturne awfully and stuffing my face with whatever Willow has decided to make for dessert. I might have primed the pump by suggesting lemon bars, but I don’t know how it’ll go. So far she’s resisted my attempts to talk her into making a 5 pound batch of cotton candy. And tomorrow I’ll continue my tradition of fidgeting until the Doctor Who Christmas Special is on.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night.

Possibly emphasizing the whole “marginal sanity” thing, by longstanding tradition, Christmas on OD is a time for me to post the twistier creations of my addled brain. Give thanks again that I have neither the musical talent to add the instrumental piece for this, nor the voice support to add the chorus portions.

Then again, none of that stopped me from writing it. The good children will want to stop reading here. As for the naughty children, you can pick up your lump of coal.

Actually, I feel bad about the first one and coal is so outdated, so let me start with bonus Christmas poem, mostly to rub it how bad I am at it.

The Ghost of Christmas Future

After the North Pole declared
default and chapter eleven
The corporate takeover seemed
a gift sent straight from heaven.

HR went through the ranks of elves
And packaged the ones “of age.”
While the rest were offered reassignment
At a more regionally appropriate wage.

The elves were proud and unionized
And decided they’d rather be gone
But the Manufacturing division already had
hired a factory in Szechwan.

(Which is also, by chance, how
the Reindeer were downsized.
Their severance package placed them
in slices and iced.)

Finance reviewed the product line
and the most expensive toll
turned out to be the acquisition
and packaging of those lumps of coal

Negative optioning just diluted the brand
The Marketing department crowed
We don’t to be the ones to be avoided
That makes us middle-of-the-road!

But the Auditors stepped in and said
All the books must balance, you see.
Not just the ledgers and charts of accounts
but also the book of nice and naughty.

And just when there seemed
no end to the talks
In jumped IT looking
out of the box.

The point of the coal
was mainly to taunt
the naughtiest kids with
a thing they won’t want.

Meanwhile we pay vast amounts
in environmental fees
For the phones the staff hate
and treat as diseased.

Which is how the North Pole
stepped into the zone
With happy employees
sporting their

And why now when a child
has been an exceptional cock
Instead of some coal there’s
a Blackberry in his sock.

Okay…. *Now* you want to stop reading. It’s all downhill from here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Elves & I

Ohhhhhh!

There’s nothing more productive
than a North Pole Elf
Referring not to toys wrapped up
and stacked upon the shelf

But rather that they’re similar
to rabbits from the store,
for if you leave two elves alone
in days there’s twenty more.

People wonder how polar bears
can find enough to eat
Turns out that the last defense
is their taste for fresh elf meat

Otherwise, the hordes will broil
and spill to the south pole
Until the mutiplying elves
covered the planet whole.

If Noah could just have left them
stranded by the ark
I would not be caught in a dilemma
So unwatchable and stark

I need the elves to work the shop
and fill my sleigh with toys
I need the elves to keep my word
to the world’s girls and boys

The only way to make them work
is keeping them apart
But after a shift at the toolbench
the madness will just restart.

They forget to eat, forget to leave;
just on the spot they spawn
A heap of fornicating elfery
rampaging right till dawn.

I’ve seen things, arriving on the morn
that were better unseen.
And best not to think too much or long
of where the toys have been.

So close my eyes and gather gifts
and I load the sleigh with love
And the essential box that’s labeled
“Disposable Latex Glove” (100-pack)

Christmas is nigh upon us
and I’ll be glad to be scott-free
In a single-malt vacation from
The constant elf orgy.

Because!

There’s nothing more productive
than a North Pole Elf
Referring not to toys wrapped up
and stacked upon the shelf

But rather that they’re similar
to rabbits from the store,
for if you leave two elves alone
in days there’s twenty more.