Nineteen 73

In which our Hero is burdened with irreconcilable purpose and struggling for alternatives

[BonnieRose] suggested we make something of a garden/art project out of our OpenDiary by setting down regrets to be buried with the rest of the site. I’m intrigued by the idea. At the same time, some of those are great stones buried deep, and I don’t know that I want to disinter them. What if there’s unprocessed hurt there?

I keep thinking that okay, I’m going to give up on the regret theme and try something else, but I can’t think of the something else. And then I think of a regret. Like right now, I regret neglecting my diary so much. I spent years at almost steady-state production of entries in this place and then it just started slowly drifting.

Part of that I can squarely blame the Diarymaster. The site went from mostly-stable to mostly-unstable at that point, and it wasn’t always easy or convenient to open entries or leave notes or post. And while the outages were only a minor portion of the time, the instabilities were much more often, and the result was diminishment. That little feeling of resistance. Why write an entry I can’t post it anyway. Why read today, I can’t react. My own moods made me quiet anyway, but so many times, the emotion was diluted by time. Can’t note today, oh I’ll note tomorrow. And tomorrow it’s less urgent.

Part of it is me. I got lazy. And there was always tomorrow. And obviously we’re out of tomorrows. I’m sure there is a lesson there.

I’ve already put contact information into a more official farewell to this place. Everything since that entry is just doodling in the notebook because there are a few pages left. Just in case, though, good bye.