Anxisocial

In which our Hero notices that the wall against his back is the result of a retreat

Like I’d said, I was at a family event recently when my cousin Ice handed me her baby. That was one of the fun parts, because I was sharing the world with a baby, something I generally enjoy for how it changes how I pay attention to the world. Also fun because I suddenly had a thing to do. Up to that point the only thing I was doing was very carefully working to hide, because I didn’t want to talk to people and couldn’t find the switch inside me that allows me to fake it long enough for the conversation to get going and draw me in.

It was miserable. Truly miserable. I was an introvert with nowhere to flee to. It feels like my introversion grows stronger/worse over time, too, without a cause that’s clear to me. I don’t know what to do, because I love these people very much, and I’m getting worse and worse and showing my care in the way people normally understand it.

I used to be better. I know this because I used to meeting occasional acquaintances every so often and I could play the game, talk and smile and even enjoy the process. I used to sit in hotel lounges and airports and talk to the people who engaged me in conversation. Still wasn’t seeking them out, but I could do it.

Now, at the event, I realized that some people interact with me like any other socially maladjusted person, even more like I would talk to a withdrawn child. They talk to me about technology, and however maladroit their own understanding, I can engage with that.

When did I lose the ability to reach out and talk to people? Social events like the wedding past (and the next one coming) are pure and utter torture. Family gatherings are okay as long as there’s enough of a crowd for my shallow answers to not get time to be probed. Work, well, work is the problem, because I’m reaching a point where I’m not doing the contact things I should be doing as a professional consultant and contractor. Part of it is definitely *this client* but part of it is the general slide in my threshold tolerance of socialization.

The upside is that it makes me better at being a crotchety old man. The downside is that my plan to yell at kids on my lawn included me not actually caring beyond the entertainment value of scaring them.

Now get off my lawn.