Adrift amidst her hidden dreams

In which our Hero wonders if maybe Nocturne was talking about a penguin.

Can’t sleep. Well, no, let’s face it, won’t sleep, despite my best interest, despite my ongoing need, despite the options to medicate the pain or medicate the care, won’t sleep, won’t sleep, oh no. The luxury of a relationship by teleconference is that I can fidget to my heart’s content without ever leaving my lady’s side.

As long as I’m being persistently awake, might as well take advantage of the time though, so I’ve been catching up on backlogged work. Maybe the whistling sense of suck will pass if I just get a little bit more done. My mind is all over the place. I’m not writing enough, not writing the right things. And I sit and stay awake and fritter away the time in microsoft tools, cracking open presentations and, writing emails that I won’t send till tomorrow because I don’t like sending emails at 2 in the morning anymore.

Funny thing, I suddenly remember as she startles me with a cough. Last night, she woke me out of a dead sleep saying quite clearly, “I have the—” The what? What? I don’t know what, she mumbled it, even when she repeated it. And the second time she said it was when I suddenly realized she was completely asleep and talking to a dream. I forgot to ask, and I expect there’s almost no chance she’ll remember a day later, but I would love to know what she had. She didn’t sound upset, or excited, she was just saying it like to someone across a room.

I don’t write so much about how things go with her. No sinister reason, just a shyness to admit how much I care. But things do go well and I guess that’s obvious from the utterly besotted way I talk about her and little else. Right now, my pressing thought is about my hair. It’s wavy, as it gets towards a length where it starts to show curls. I forget because I don’t let it get that long, usually. Well, that and because I just don’t have as much hair as I used to. But right now I have “hair” on my irrational list of things to worry about. It’s longer because I’m trying to get my haircut schedule aligned with my chances to get time with her.

I also wonder why other people have recognizable styles but my hair feathers and moves and never seems to be the same, day to day without any semblance of control from me.

Last night I was watching youtube videos about chickens used as steadycams. I need one of those cameras. Possibly also a chicken.

We were talking about prayer tonight. It’s funny how it’s a personal and private topic and yet in the middle of feeling just a little anxious and just a little embarrassed, I’m also feeling perfectly comfortable. It’s strange to explain how I pray. And telling her little bits about family prayers. Even if it’s not her thing, I’d still love for her to experience that sometime.

Earlier this week, as she worked and I rested, I ran across a post about a guy who had made a footrest that looks for all the world like a giant 555 integrated circuit. If you don’t know circuit design, it’s just a silly wood computer chip with two rows of four legs, the pins. If you do know circuit design, the 555 is probably wooden block with letters equivalent of a C or maybe a D. I told her about it, she laughed at me and we moved on.

But a little later I went back to my browser and the page was still open and I was again caught up in the glee that such a thing exists. And then I laughed at myself.

“God, I’m such a nerd,” I said to her.

And Nocturne didn’t even look up when she answered, “I know.”

Sleep comes. So does dawn. Here endeth the random.