Accidents of blood and joy

In which our Hero is confronted by the constraints of his affections

Willow called. She’s finishing up her undergraduate studies which combined with her growed-uppedness has meant that we don’t talk the way that we used too. She doesn’t need me the same way as she did and it’s my job to be outgrown. We talk a little here and there now in short conversations that are the price of being busy people. But this time she had both time to talk and thoughts to share, and so we had a talk about relationships. Specifically about the other cousins and how they see me and feel about me and also about the relationship she and I have. I don’t even know how to organize my thoughts to express what happened, let alone how I feel about things.

Without worrying about order, she made her case based on a few ideas. The main salient point is that it’s not enough for people to know that I love them, I have to tell them why. She argues that it’s something that people wonder and with the other cousins it’s something that they need because otherwise they just don’t have the ability to know that my love for them is anything more or different from the obligatory love for family which could be anything.

Some of the cousins love me and respect me and worry about disturbing me, because they see how busy I am, and I’m older and I’m private and I’m important to them so they don’t want to over step. (Her telling). And I get it, I am legendary for being a workaholic who is busy all the time.

Except I’m not. I’ve always been ready and willing to step away from my work for various reasons, like doing something with the cousins on their winter break, or helping someone move. Or talking to a 16-year-old for a few hours, or helping a friend write up a resume for an application the next day (please stop giving me stuff the night before!!!) I am private, that part is certainly true. I don’t talk about personal stuff because it’s private to me and as much as I trust people to keep from talking about me, I don’t have to trust when I haven’t said anything.

I’m not sure how I feel about her position. Perspective. I’ll agree that sometimes it’s nice to know why people like you, but I don’t think the why is a particular key to a relationship. Not to mention that spontaneously blurting “I love you because…” seems like a wholly unnatural and eerie way to have a conversation. If it comes up, that’s fine. If someone needs support, maybe I tell them. The rest of the time, I’m like a winter coat. Don’t need me till you need me.

As far as the conversation goes, Willow asked with great shyness, as long as we were talking about it, why *do* I love her. I told her. My answer seems to have brought her to tears so maybe I answered okay. Or awfully, but I think I answered okay. For posterity, the answer is a combination of things, her personality and character in all the time that I’ve known her, punctuated by memories of her that she’s lost but I keep in my heart. I don’t know that it’s a satisfying answer because in the end the answer is that I love her because she’s who she is. But hopefully I was able to show that I actually saw some of who she is.

She followed up by telling me a little of what I mean to her, which was a weirdly humbling experience that left me closer to tears myself than I’d care to admit to her. She explained how I am sometimes brother, sometimes father, sometimes uncle and sometimes cousin, which is the mirrorside of what I’ve felt for these kids. She thanked me for taking her seriously in our conversations, for showing her respect by actually thinking about my answers. She gave me credit for who she’s becoming because I care for her in ways that her parents can’t.

(smile)

Now the conversation is in the past and I’m struggling. In explaining how I am and how I act and why it’s not such an easy thing to just tell me to reach out to the others, I’ve shared a little of my self perception, and sharing is good but she is a child and I am forty and did I tell her too much. Am I just feeling vulnerable for having explained my introversion or is there an actual threat that comes from the possible mistakes she could make with that knowledge of my self-knowledge. Am I a little raw for having been told one of these kids loves me back so fiercely?

Have I failed the others for having not made it easier for them to reach for me? I don’t think it’s supposed to be entirely easy. If they need, when they need, I’m there, but I believe asking is important. I don’t think I’m going to go and declare my love for them in song and fable. This is where I’m stuck. If I do nothing different, then we’re at status quo with need possibly unaddressed. If I act, I need to do so within my own worldview or I will fail lacking the referents that I need to help me be human.

So I think.