A Perception of Reception of Rage

In which our Hero gets a signal that makes him wonder if he’s listening for the right thing

“They’ve never done anything to you,” protests my mother.

I know., I agree. They’ve never done anything to me. Good or bad

“But they like you so much.”

Based on nothing, they don’t know me, I reply.

“But they always invite you to things and you don’t ever go”

Yes, because I don’t care.

“But then how do you ever get to know them?”

I know them enough to know I have no interest in more.

“You go to visit [Mouse], why can’t you go to this?”

Because I love Mouse. I don’t care about these other people. I don’t care. It’s not that I hate them, it’s that I don’t care, and I hate those kind of receptions and why should I stop doing other things I enjoy to spend time at an event I find tedious with people I don’t enjoy?

“Because I want you to.”

Well then start there. You I care about.

A few years back I ran across an article that pointed out that there’s one resource more rare than any other.

I can make money, by working more, or harder, or training till I get a better job or scam. And with money, I can get more living space, more car, more lots of things. I can grow more food. I can arguably make more people (assuming I’ve got the support infrastructure (Hi Nocturne! (ahem))).

The one thing that you absolutely cannot make more of is time. A second is a second, and you can only have one of those at a time. And beyond actions to maximize your health and welfare, you’re still stuck with the basic structural limit that a human has (rounded) about a hundred years of life, and that doesn’t change much. Time is finite. Time is the ultimate economy. Every second that someone takes with stupid questions is them killing you.

It was a lightbulb exploding moment for me. It goes back to that question, if you had 24 hours left to live, would you be doing what you’re doing? Except now *every* second is a spending decision. These few minutes spent having a conversation with you, Gentle Reader, is me giving up a part of my life to talk to you.

And yet…

When I actually take a moment to start rethinking my decisions to take into account this new factor, this new importance of time itself… not that much actually changes. I still go to work, because it makes money and money makes possible some options that I like/enjoy/prefer. I still shower because hygiene protects the time I get. Treating time as irreplaceable doesn’t actually change the things that are already important to me, because they’re already important to me.

More obvious is that the value of time doesn’t affect that things that I don’t care about because they’re already irrelevant. So where it really plays is in the things that are important for reasons other than my interest.

So now I can choose my activities using a flow chart of sorts:

1. If I value [action] then I will do it
2. If I value the person who values [action] then I will do it
3. If I don’t value [action] or [person], I’m not doing it.

And it’s been great. I don’t feel conflicted turning down invitations from the extended pseudo family. And while I can’t say I’m great at it, I do try to use the available capacity to focus on the people I truly love. And best of all, I think I’m genuinely happier because I feel less constrained by unwanted obligation and more free.

Till now.

There’s this family who are like in-laws to some other folks who are loosely friends of my parents except that we don’t see them more than once a year that I know about. They’re nice enough people. Friendly. Generous. But they are so loud, and just a little lacking in common sense, and worst of all, they act too personal. They tease, they talk, they ask about things that just aren’t really entirely appropriate for our acquaintance.

And that’s it. That’s the extent of their offence. Which is nearly nothing, coincidentally also about how much time we’ve spent together in the however many years of our acquaintance. I’ve spent a few hours in their presence. And given how much they talk, I’ve said almost nothing. So I know that they know absolutely nothing about me, and that makes their warm regard even less impressive to me. If you know me that little, I don’t care what you think of me, you’re not a friend. And if you’re not a close friend, then respect my friendship as something earned, not presumed.

And now one of the kids is getting engaged. Or married. I don’t really remember which, nor do I care. I’m happy for her in abstract but after thinking “that’s nice,” I’m done thinking about it and have moved on to more life affecting topics like whether I want my donut to have sprinkles or not.

So they invited and I declined. And then my mother scolded, and I declined. And then we ran into them at church and they invited again, and I declined, suggesting a conflict. They said they needed to know, and I declined a little harder, telling them that the answer would have to be no, and that made the invite more gentle again.

And then my mother really got on my case, the same litany of reasons why I should go, and none of them applying to me. I don’t want to go, and I don’t care about them enough to ignore that fundamental fact. But my mom kept nagging. And nagging. and…

Finally she admitted that she wanted me to go. That my parents feel a little awkward because I *never* visit them and go out of my way to be unavailable when I know they’re coming to visit. And so I’ve conceded. I’m going to go to the stupid reception. I’m going to spend about an hour, pay my respect to the inviting family, and then I’m going home, after about an hour.

Because it’ll make my mom happy.

But i’m trading an hour of my life for these people who are no better than strangers to me. And all I find is outrage in my heart, rather than the satisfaction that I’m looking after someone I love. I don’t know if the problem is that I’m just focusing on the wrong aspect or if I’m making the wrong choice and my emotions are trying to steer me true.