A Line in the Sand XV

Being a recounting of the adventures of Serin as he places one foot in terra firma and the other in terra forty

I buried a man today.

I’m 39. Over a third of that time is documented, right here. My life has changed so much, and so little. And yet I am so much a different person from when I first came here. Hence the line in the sand.

Nocturne asked me once if I think about turning 40. I do, and the short version is that I’m a little bit sad, and a little bit excited. And I think about life and death and in a lightning strike of concurrence, half way through reading “Curtains,” a book about the funeral industry, I attended a funeral today. That’s going to take some more processing than I’m up for.

Sad because there is nobody on earth who will ever refer to me as young after that. Barring my untimely death: “He was so young!” Sad because there are good things about being young, and time to maneuver and define yourself and find your way and all that jazz.

Excited because I am so fucking good at being me, and I’m a pretty cool person. (That’s not ego, that’s just me hitting my standards for what I feel is cool. I know it’s not what other people think is cool. But I think other people are dumb, so it works out.) And I don’t feel out of balance anymore, I don’t feel like I’m too old or too young, I’m just me. And when the time eventually comes, I’m going to rock the hell out of being an old man.

But all of that is the me I’m becoming, and that includes letting go of an identity of me as young. I’m older now. It’s okay. It’s helping to reduce my stupid. Only a little, I’m still male.

I’m not exercising the way I should be. I’m not happy about that and have some simple goals for that. I’m not eating the way I should be. But I’ve been applying a lot more discipline in the last month than I have in years. I’m not working the way I should be. The balance is off, and I know some of it is just start-up transient on the new project, but it’s also trying to find my stance in my head. It’s a new year, time to hold my ground without the angry.

I’m in love. Hi Nocturne. 🙂 I love you. That part of my life is pretty awesome. Yeah, it’s not simple. But the simple part is that I have faith.

I’m doing better at being where I need to be. Now I just need to carve out a little more or better time to keep up the virtual relationships and I’m in business.

Oh, speaking of business, I’ve gotten so much of my paperwork cleaned up, I’m really pleased about that.

What I need now is a hobby. And I’ve got one in mind. But I can’t tell you what it is, Gentle Reader.

Umm..

Gosh, I feel like I should have some deep and profound thing to give this entry some substance. I don’t really have that. But I have a moment to share. Well, two, actually.

About the time I was discovering this open diary thing, or maybe even before it, I was visiting my cousins Mouse and Moonbeam. And my then very little Mouse asked me to draw her a rabbit. So I did. And it was awful, even I could see that. But even worse was the dissatisfaction of this tiny girl. Since then, I’ve doodled enough that I can say that I can draw a little, but I always blame her for getting me started.

Well my now grown college Mouse just sent me an email, about a visiting family with two little girls with an age gap just like Mouse and Moonbeam, and the girl asked her to draw a flower. And a rabbit. “And she didn’t say it looked like a rat.”

The parallel makes me smile. Mouse too, it seems.