Dark days behind and ahead

I’ve decided to write about the source of my angst and the resaon I’ve stood down from my parish for the time being. I’m doing this for several reasons. The first being that it’s difficult to keep a diary when not writing about the major influence on your life at a given time. Secondly because it might help me explain to myself what’s happening to me so I can better understand myself. And finally because it might given some confidence to others who are experiencing a terror in their life.

When I was a deacon (a few years ago, now), one of my responsibilities was to be chaplain at a remand centre for young people. This centre existed for juveniles who had been arrested for a crime and were waiting in custody for their day in court, or who had been convicted of a crime and sentanced to a prison term.

Well, after I’d been visiting this centre for six months or more I’d become aware that a young lad had had no contact with his family, as most others had. I enquired from the authorities if it were possible to take this lad out for a day. Consent was given, so I asked the lad if he would like a day away from the centre, to which he said “yes”.

Toward the end of this year I found myself charged with sexual abuse of a minor. I was subsequently found not guilty by a jury. I might be gay, but I am not a child molester; and I never laid a hand on this kid. The whole ordeal was a nightmare, and not just for me, but also for family and friends and the clergy of my diocese. It has taken a long time to put myself together as best I can. I’m sure there are still scars that I’ve not managed to erase yet or am ignorant of their existence. I guess I have also been active in trying to prove my innocence to others, and my self-worth to myself, by being involved in all manner of causes and endeavours.

Imagine my horror then when earlier this year my bishop informed me that the guy (he’d be in his early to mid-30s now) was causing trouble once more and was wanting compensation. For what? Nothing happened! But accoring to the protocol established in our country for handling claims of sexual abuse I had to stand aside. I have done this for over a month now. I understand that this must happen and that this is the right way to proceed. It will be better for me in the long-run, anyway, for things to be done correctly and justly. This process could take another month or so to run its course and for a decision to be made regarding myself. The first month hasn’t been too bad, though I’ve had some bad days. But things are starting to get to me now. I’m not one for sitting around and waiting for work to come to me, so I’m starting to feel frustrated about not being able to do things. I’m going to Big Smoke the week after this to get a change of scenery and catch up with some friends, so I’m looking forward to that.

I have no doubt that I will be allowed to return to active minstry. I’m not looking forward to the waiting around, nor in revisiting the whole sad and sorry incident. But face it I must.