Why…

…did I just send a message to Michael on Gaydar? I don’t think I would have if he wasn’t listed as "single" currently. I guess there’s still a part of me deep down that pretends that I am the one he’ll end up with, ‘cos we’re naturally suited to one another. I do’t suppose he’ll reply, but I’d like him to. Funnily enough, I had a dream the other night about the first Michael, the one from school – he finally admitted (and accepted) that we were good for each other, and that he loved me too. I don’t even like the guy any more, haven’t even seen him for a couple of years. But there he was, and he submitted to me – to my will, and to my sexual desire. This kind of wish-fulfillment is rare in my dreams, and freaks me out a little.

At least Michael #2 is gay. At least we had a chance. But I went to Newcastle to be with him, and then gave up. I ran away, and said I would accept that we were never to be together. But I fell in love with him from afar – We’d spoken online and on the phone for a good two years before we met – and there’s no reason it couldn’t work again, or vice versa. What am I doing? Must be the tequila setting in…