Holding On

Well, I should be quite pleased with my mental state these past few months. I tailed off taking my antidepressants, and once the last lot ran out, I didn’t renew my prescription. I know this sounds stoopid, but it hasn’t affected me very much at all. I’m not sure the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, though I’d be hard-pressed to elaborate on either.

My battle with alcohol is a rocky road, as is to be expected. My battel with food and a tendency to over-eat has been even harder, and has led to fluctuating weight. I’m currently between a moment of goodness (a week of fairly conscientious dieting) and potential badness (a weekend of heavy drinking and poor diet). I shouldn’t beat myself up over this, however – it’s all part of the process. The process I call my life.

In any case, I was driven to write this entry because I unexpectedly feel rather flat this evening. I went out on Thursday night with Dax. It was my last day of work for well over a week, this being Easter weekend, and my having booked off next week, originally in order to travel to London (now postponed). Tom was planning on going to the Syndicate with Dax and Gre, but his overdraft was revoked, so he pulled out. To some extent against my better judgment, I persuaded Dax to come round to my house, and we drank until after midnight, at which point we went to Mardi Gras. In fact, I had bough a bottle of Bollinger RD 1995, and couldn’t face the prospect of drinking it alone. However, I hadn’t seen Dax for some weeks, and our bilateral nights are now quite rare. It was innocuous fun; we danced to vintage Kylie, and not much else.

Tonight I am going to the Clarence pub, Mel’s local (I’ve never been before), since it’s her mum’s boyfriend’s 60th. Mel, Lisa and I, and who knows who else, will go into town afterwards. I am rather tired after not much work in the garden (though I did shift rather a lot of sharp sand that we bought early this afternoon at B&Q), and as a say, feel rather flat. That is, I don’t feel like bouncing around a dancefloor – don’t even feel very inclined to facing other people. I may not feel totally fat right now, but I hardly feel thin, and in general my appearance leaves a lot to be desired.

Still, this is my life, for better or worse, and I shan’t shy away from it, even if that is my first reaction.