thinking of the past

At work I have a lot of time to sit and think. Sometimes, that’s good. Other times, not so much.

I got to thinking about Brent. I met Brent thru OD in late 2004. I was barely 18. He had moved to my hometown to go to college. He was 21. There were notes exchanged on OD which led to talking on MSN messenger. The early conversations were a little awkward. I didn’t know how to start a conversation, make it last.

We ended up meeting a little bit afterwards when I half joked about going to one of his poker nights (I did want to meet him, but didn’t know how to play poker). He invited me over when he had another poker night, so it wouldn’t feel as awkward. Everyone left, I stayed a little longer. Stayed cause I wanted to try to get to know him a bit more, more privately in person.

After that we’d have lunch/dinner once in awhile. I’d go with him a couple times to his work. He worked in radio, had to go to the sister radio station out of town sometimes.

December 31, 2004. His high school friend was gonna be home (Brent’s friend was in the military, living outside of South Dakota. The friend got time to come back home). The friends parents had a New Year’s Eve party. Brent invited me to go with him. I was a little nervous because we’d stay overnight. The town Brent took me to was over an hour away. I was a good 18 year old. I’d never done anything crazy. But staying overnight in a different town with a boy?!?! That was insane for me!

While people were drinking, I didn’t I had never had alcohol at that point. I remember Brent and I held hands. I got wet. Since I was a good child, I didn’t know what ‘getting wet’ meant. I thought I had my period, so I semi freaked out. I didn’t have it, but didn’t understand why I felt so wet…and from holding hands?!

Time went on, I drove Brent and I to his parents house. His parents were celebrating New Years’ Eve in a different town. So we had his childhood home to ourselves. He showed me around, showed me his old bedroom. Said I cold sleep there with him. I froze. I didn’t want to do that. So I said I’d sleep in the bedroom next to his. He woke me up (I had to get back to my hometown, I had to work New Years Day…..I worked at a hotel) and said, ‘good morning sunshine’.

A few days (maybe a week or 2) after he wrote in OD. He said he wasn’t sure if he could be with me. He said I was too innocent and naive. We never had the technical term of boyfriend/girlfriend. He wrote in OD his feelings/thoughts (can’t blame a person).

By mid January 2005 we didn’t hang out anymore, no more lunch/dinner or movies at his place. He started dating someone by this point. He dated one of my friends.

I was heartbroken. I know we didn’t have the technical term of being together, but I did like him, a lot. He was right, at the time I was too innocent and naive about sex and dating. I didn’t know how things worked. I cried for him. I told one of my friends that I should have given him sex, then we’d still be taking and I’d still see him. My friend said I didn’t mean that, said deep down, I wasn’t ready for sex. She was right.

That made me think about my friend, Stacy.

We met in 3rd grade. She was new to my school. We became friends, best friends. We’d been friends since 8 years old. Even when we graduated high school, we were still best friends. I moved away for college.

Stacy and I continued to talk while I was away. We told each other everything. I couldn’t keep a secret from her, no matter how hard I tried. Things changed for us starting in 2006. Our friendship basically ended in 2007. 12 years of friendship and we couldn’t make it work.

I feel it was both of us who failed.

Since I moved away in 2005, I started to slowly change as a person. I met new people at college. Became more curious about sex, alcohol, house parties, and wanted to try marijuana. I knew Stacy would never understand this (except sex. she got that). She was just as innocent as I use to be. So I acted out, acted differently towards her. I made excuses not to see her when I did go back to my hometown. That’s how I failed as a friend.

Her part, she dated a guy who was a sex offender. He was 10 years older than us. He got Stacy to steal, talk back to authority. He eventually went to prison for the sex offender part. Stacy still loved him. So she moved out of South Dakota to Virginia into his parents place. She eventually wanted to move back to South Dakota to be closer to this guy (who was still in prison). This was 2007.

I took her in, let her live in my 1 bedroom apartment til she got settled in on her own (her own place, job). I was still making excuses to get away from her, I was still an ass towards her. She was still stealing, still talking to the guy in prison (I thought the guy was an asshole the whole time she was with him). She told me they were engaged, wanted to get married in the prison. She wanted me to be a witness for their marriage. I lost my shit at that point. I left my college town. Turned off my phone. I wanted nothing to do with that. Before I left town, I borrowed $20 from her for gas.

Since she couldn’t reach me, she got upset, she wanted to marry the guy. She found someone else. She moved out of my apartment to the neighboring town. She tried so many times to get the $20 back (I used it for gas). I ignored her. Never paid her back. That was October 2007. We haven’t talk to each other since then.

I honestly do miss her. I think about her, hope she’s doing well. I miss the friendship we use to have when we were 8-18 years old. We had to go through a phase of life that changed both of us. Now that I’m over the changing phase, I kinda wish I could go back to her.

While I was thinking about all of this (Brent, Stacy), there were Facebook memory pictures of me with them. I always look at my Facebook memories daily. Pictures. Smiling faces. Time was a bit simpler back then.