mother’s brain. father issues

After this weekend Aaron and I thought maybe my mom is having memory loss issues. Or maybe it’s cause she’s a really bad listener and can’t retain information. It wasn’t just the past weekend, just a few things over the past year or so.

When she was here she wanted to buy meat and put it in our chest freezer. I told her we don’t have one. She said she thought we did. I never mentioned to her about us having one. And she’s been in our entire house before so she could have seen we don’t have one (I suppose we could have bought one…if we did, I still never told her about it). Our house is small. Every corner of the house is full, literally NO room for a chest freezer.

Over the weekend she asked if the house next door was rented out. I said no. Told her the person who owned the house was in jail. Then she asked, ‘if he’s in jail, how does he get your rent checks?’. I told her that our landlord does NOT own he house next door. She said she thought the same person owned both. Once again, I NEVER told her our landlord owned the house next door.

I also told my mom about the football game in Kansas we’re going to. We were in the van, she was driving. As we got back to my place, she asked, ‘what town is the game in?’ UM….I freaking told you in the van! And she asked, ‘isn’t that your step mom’s alma mater?’ YES! She knew that too! My dad and step mom have lived down there for the last 6-8 years. They moved there so my step mom could get a job with the university and be close to her family. I know I told my mom about that years ago. And we’ve gone to Kansas for football games years ago too, cause she always got season tickets.

There were other things over the past year that she hasn’t retained….either cause she wasn’t listening or she might have something wrong with her mind. Aaron said something about someone having to take care of her. I let out a sigh. He might have a point. But no one else on my mom’s side has mind issues (not anyone I know of anyway). I know some of it can be environmental issues (some genetics too). My mom does smoke, she’s been doing it for 20 years now.

I had a dream that I told my mom and my sisters off. Told them how much they annoy me and get under my skin. Told them how they make me feel guilty about doing things I don’t want to do. Mom and 1 sister cried, I had to throw the other sister out of the house cause she kept making remarks that I didn’t like (aka making me feel guilty). Real life me wouldn’t call them out and handle it well (like I did in the dream). Reality says I’d be the one crying as I poured my heart out. And in reality, I’d never throw anyone out of my house. But my dreaming life wants me to call people out.

The things my mom and sister said to me over the weekend (see previous entry) are kinda on my mind. I know I shouldn’t worry about it. Let it go. But sometimes, that’s who I am, I worry….I overthink (I have a lot of time at work to think).

On and off the last several years I’ve thought about my dad and our relationship. When I was a kid, it seemed to be good. He was a truck driver, gone a lot, home a couple days. I got along with him when he was home and we laughed. Then my parents got divorced when I was 10. He moved away, I was sad. I wanted to live with him, even tho he still drove truck. He moved to a town about 3.5 hours away. I couldn’t drive. So I had to rely on him coming to me. Or my parents agreeing on something. Well, as time passed, I saw him less and less. At best I’d see him twice a year for a couple days each time.

As I got into high school, I would go a year or so without seeing him. So our relationship went down the drain. Cell phones weren’t a big thing, we didn’t have a computer at home, therefore, I didn’t have email. Our only communication was the landline. And couldn’t have any private conversations cause mom would be at home when I was. So if I did talk with dad, it was always short and not personal.

Eventually the harassment came from my dad in my teen years. He’d criticize my weight more (I’d always been a semi bigger girl…..I remember in 2nd grade both my parents saying I was ‘bigger boned’). In middle school and high school, my interests became sports, watching or being involved. My dad criticized me about being involved. He told me, ‘sports will never get you anywhere in life’. Which could be taken as ‘you’re too fat and have no talent’. I was upset when he told me that.

My dad kept comparing me to my older sister, Melanie. He always said, ‘Melanie did this. Why don’t you?’ or ‘Melanie got a 4.0, why didn’t you?’. I wasn’t a bad student…my sister was better. My sister was always in all state band in high school (she even did an all state middle school band stuff too). I was never in band, I was in choir. He asked why I never made all state choir, since my sister made all state band. Um, because I didn’t take private voice lessons, cause no one wanted to pay for that, while they paid for band stuff for my sister.

I wanted to go to Germany for school as an exchange program. Mom didn’t have enough money for it. She talked to dad about it. Dad talked to me and got upset. He said he didn’t have money either (I wasn’t the one who told him! I knew his reaction) and said he wouldn’t get anything out of it, so he wasn’t gonna help pay for it. Yet, a couple years later, he helped my sister when she went to Spain for a semester! He said that would help her (part of her college major was spanish). But years after that, he criticized my sister for speaking spanish and marrying a guy from Mexico (dad and step mom didn’t approve of that wedding. Dad, it’s your own daughter!)

When I was in my first semester of college, I told my dad I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, or what major. He came to visit me. We talked, trying to figure things out. I said I wanted to be a teacher when I was in elementary school. I said I should go for that. I got a huge lecture about money and the fact teachers don’t make much. After that visit, I went back to the dorms. My roommate asked how the visit went, I cried a river. Dad even hated the college I was going to, telling me it wasn’t ‘prestigious’ enough. And I had to go to a big school like my sister (She went to the big school in Minneapolis. I went to the University of South Dakota….USD is the 2nd biggest college in South Dakota…10,000 students, has a law and med school

So the fact I don’t want to see my dad while I’m in Kansas is valid. He’s rarely been supportive of my life and choices since I was a teen. My dad is all about money. And he always asks how I’m doing financially, and if I have a million dollars yet. Even if I was having money troubles, he’d never give me money. I literally did have money issues when I was 20. Never got a dime from him. I couldn’t afford rent. Heck, I couldn’t even afford an electric bill for my apartment, that was $30 (20 in winter….more in the summer cause I had the AC going). So for 3 months I was homeless, I could only afford $2 for bread and had to make that last as long as I could.