mind set

At work I have all the time in the world to sit and think. I had a long entry in my head that I wanted to write. Now, I’m thinking about sleep.

I saw my friend, Kyle, over the weekend. While it was nice to see him, I felt a little off being with him. Part of my depression set in. Kyle is a philosophical/psychological kind of person. He likes deep conversations about everything. He likes to know where people came from, where their life is headed.

He asked me about my dad. That’s a touchy subject for me. I have issues with my dad. But I try so hard to be positive about my dad. So that set me off a little bit.

I got set off a little more cause Kyle seemed ‘too busy’ for me. Kyle is the kind of person who can’t sit still. He always has to be doing something. So when I was trying to talk to him, his back was turned to me. He wanted me to repeat somethings as well.

So Monday morning, I was thinking about my life, psychologically. And why I get depression. I know what I want, some stuff I can’t get (example: the chance to date Kyle…but that’s not gonna happen. I’m with Aaron and Kyle’s married). I know when I get depressed, I tend to get a little desperate for attention.

I was thinking about my life when I was a teen, living at home. My mom didn’t feel like a mom. Or she had us (me and my sisters) in less than ideal situations. My parents are divorced (that happened when I was 10). My mom dated a sex offender. I had no idea what a sex offender was. This happened when I was 12. Lasted for a few years. That situation was awful (I won’t go into details).

Then mom dated a pathological liar who fraud-ed insurance companies and he was a piece of shit.

Both of these guys lived with us.

I was the 13-14 year old girl who wanted to die. I tried to drown myself. I hoped so many times I’d just die. I never told anyone about my thoughts. Or how I wanted to drown in the tub/shower.

Now, I’ve never had healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I never talked to them in high school (they didn’t come to talk to me either). Never had a boyfriend, til Aaron (we started dating when I was 27). I know he gets frustrated with me cause I don’t know how to be a girlfriend.

I have a hard time dealing with “I want to be with someone” and “give me my space”.  I just feel I never know what I want out of life with anything.