It’s over

Aaron and I are no longer a couple. We had 7.5 years together. Lived together for most of it. We’ve transitioned into the “roommates” definition. I’m all over the place. At times I feel OK at best. Other times, not so much. It’s been an odd couple weeks. Everything major started to happen around Thanksgiving.

Years ago it was my idea for an open relationship. I wanted it because I wanted to have contact with an old college friend and a friend from my hometown.

About a year ago Aaron met someone at work and they got really close. Then Aaron and started to be less close. I was hurt and jealous in the beginning by them. Then I got use to it. Aaron and I had less sex, our communication wasn’t great. Most things felt forced.

At Thanksgiving time Aaron’s friend called everything off. Since then, everything has been tense, crying, so emotional for everyone. I still love him, I still care, I still want the term of dating. He doesn’t feel the same about me as he use to, prior to a year ago.

Oddly, over the years, I questioned my love for him. Then I think maybe I don’t know what love is.

I told him years ago that I’ve never really had a serious boyfriend and relationship. He was the first. It’s sad to say I’ve had my first boyfriend at 27 years old (I’m 35 now). I don’t know how to be a girlfriend.

One day over the past couple weeks I was texting my friend from my hometown. Told him deep conversations why I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. Came from a broken home. I’ve always had issues with communicating, which came from my teen years. Always felt like no one really cared for me, therefore, I clamed up.

My friend knows I have this diary. He asked