bored

Seems like I don’t know what to do on weekends anymore. There’s so much cleaning/decluttering a person can do before that gets old. I want to be outside. But it’s so cold and snowy/icy.

I’m trying to save my money, so I’m not going anywhere or doing anything that costs money.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the Christmas/New Years/week after the holidays. Yesterday a coworker said that this week seemed long because it was the first full week back since the holiday. I thought the week went fairly fast. However, I think I’m at the age where I have anxiety, or just negative about this time. 2019 and 2020 were hard for me during the holidays. Hard because of the death of my grandpa in 2019. I’m not over the death. I know it takes time to feel better.

I remember the first full week after the holidays in 2020, I was glad to get back to work, glad to get back to my normal routine. I needed the routine.

I feel I don’t know what to do with myself during the holidays anymore. The last 2 haven’t been ‘normal’. I’ve always loved Christmas time, snow, and winter. Now, I feel negative.

I don’t even know what I want with my life anymore. Seems nothing makes me happy. Not sure I’ve been fully happy in years. I know what changed. Just the loss of friendships, losing connections, not sure how to make connections or make friends.

Over the years I know my diary has sounded bitter. Same old crap. But writing does make me feel a little better.