Shaking

So yeah.  The title.  Shaking…with ANGER!  Holy fuck…I could kick something or punch something but I’ve got nothing around that wouldn’t be noticed if it was broken.  So I’m writing instead!!  Alright, I was having a pretty decent day.  Yeah, it’s been pissing down rain all day and that made my walk home from work kind of a hassle, but it was still not a bad day, and I had a couple hours to myself before my mum got home from choir and was just enjoying relaxing on the couch.  But then I made the mistake of looking at my phone and noticed I had a new message on Facebook.  And I couldn’t believe who it was from, and furthermore, I couldn’t believe what she said.  After I read it all (and it went on for quite a bit) I threw my phone down and couldn’t even fathom what to do next because I was just shaking, my heartbeat pulsing faster than normal, the whole bit.  I haven’t been that mad at another person who isn’t related to me in I don’t know how long.

And if there was ever any doubt….the message was from Sarah.

FUCK!

Sorry.  But…I just don’t know.  I’m just still in disbelief that she can say things…FABRICATE things that I’ve supposedly done or said, and expect me to fall for it again!!  Surely she realizes that I’m well aware of how much she was mind-fucking me before?  And that I was finally past it and ready to move on?  BUT SHE WILL NOT LET IT LIE.  Man.  I called Leslie shortly after chucking my phone, and talking to her calmed me down, but going over it again in here is just making me mad again.  Probably when you guys read the message in question, it won’t seem that bad….but if you’d been through the shit with her that I’ve been through, you’d understand.  Really, you would.  And if you’re one of my more avid favourites, you might remember me documenting some of aforementioned shit in 2007.  Sarah Saga sound familiar to anyone?

So okay…now that I’ve vented some of the frustration, I guess I better show you the message.  I’m going to put the stuff that is absolutely NOT TRUE in yellow.  Haha, if I could have a legend on here, it would say "Yellow denotes complete bullshit":

an epic response… maybe pack a lunch for the duration of this one.
Caitlin, I’m not so much pissed, just kinda offended. I’m surprised you don’t know what it is that’s fucked up. 🙁
You should probably know that I still consider you to be pretty much one of my all time favorite people & I hate this fight crap, but I’m not gonna say what happened is ok, coz it’s not. But I’d really like to talk to you about it? maybe we can understand each other. i guess i’ll start:

this is what happened from where i’m standing:

that night, (& this is just how it came off to me, I’m not saying you were doing any of this on purpose or if you even realized it at all,) but i felt like you were trying to instigate anger in me towards Kevin. You kept scoffing at me whenever i spoke to him like i was doing something wrong, & suggesting that things between him & i aren’t good because i was looking around the bar after he got up to go to the bathroom. (you- "how are things with kevin going?" me- "really good" *looks around the room* you-"so good that you have to keep checking up on him??" (or something to that extent.) ) that all made me feel really…. resentful of your opinion. (btw, things with kevin are fantastic. we see each other almost every day & he even bought me a ring for valentines day. I’m really very much in love with him. he makes me laugh & happy. I know you don’t like him or it seems you’re not happy that i’m with him for whatever reason, but i’m happy for me & i wish you would be too? 🙁 if you have a problem with my relationship with kevin, maybe you’d care to shed some light, coz i’m lost.)

Later that night, Kevin & I were going to subway & we saw geoff walking. we picked him up coz he was gonna walk home. (it was freezeing.) He said that he had given money to you so you guys could catch a cab home & the you vanished, so he had to walk. i said i’d drive him home but first we were going to subway where you came in. Geoff wanted to have a word with you I guess, so kevin & i ate in the car.
It was gettitng late (3:00 am-ish,) & i still had to drive kevin all the way to lawrencetown & back (up to an hours drive,) & i had to work at 8:00 that morning, so i wanted to get going quickly as possible.
since they locked the doors I had to call geoffon his phone to tell him to hurry the hell up coz we had to go, but he didn’t have his phone I guess. so i had to call him on your phone, & you said to me "are you giving me a drive home?" (at that point i felt more like i was sorta passivley being TOLD to drive you, not really being asked, which i wouldn’t have minded so much at all. but i said "I thought you had a cab?" (coz that’s what geoff said.) you kinda snapped at me "well apparently not!"" so I said "well ok whatever, lets just hurry the fuck up we gotta go" then you snapped "ALRIGHT WHATEVER FORGET IT BYE!!" & hung up on me. (you can imagine how I felt, I’m sure.) I was so mad i forgot all about geoff & just left. then i went back to get him coz he called me to come back coz i had his bag in the car. apparently you lashed out at him too?

then the next time i see you kevin, lurch, geoff & i were at the top hat a while later, and you didn’t say a thing to me all that night, up until the very end when you come bouncing up to kevin talking about how i was ignoring you. (& i thought you didn’t like him.) well I gotta say, yea i was ignoring you because I couldn’t believe you were behaving like nothing had happened. it struck me as iggnorant. so to be honest, no, i didn’t "want to deal with your bullshit" that night at all, & so i told you I didn’t.
& to be frank, I still like you, I don’t hate you or anything, this is stupid, it’s like being in high school again, and I’d love to get over this crap with you, but man I gotta tell you, i don’t want to be treated like that again. if you want a ride, just ask, god I don’t mind picking you up or taking you places, but you gotta know, the minute a person starts EXPECTING me to do something for them, or speaks to me like i’m the dogs dinner, i’m ok with them walking.

So if you think you were the only person pissed to the ninth degree that night, I hope this helps you understand you weren’t the only one.

w/b i guess.

Gahhhh, even just reading the bits I made yellow is making me crazy!!  Sorry guys, but I had to get that out…Leslie really did make me feel better, but I’m still not prepared to write this one off.  I WILL reply, but not now cuz God only knows what I’d say….

~SS