Friends….

Matt sent me an im yesterday, after I’d wished him a happy birthday, after he, Chelsea, and I were hanging in the com lab working on our digital stories and gossiping and bitching and goofing off.  Chelsea left first, then Matt.  I stayed in the lab till about 2:45 am and I got the im when I came back to my room.  He wrote:

"thanks for being such a good friend, and i’m sorry i haven’t been a better friend to you over the yeras [sic]"

I don’t know what to say.  It’s true that he hasn’t been a great friend lately.  We were closer freshman year, but I think we needed each other more.  We had both come to college more conservative than most of our peers and needed someone who’d understand.  Now we’ve both made more friends and liberalized somewhat and we run in different social circles.

The apology makes me a little mad because I don’t think it’s true.  I think he’s apologizing because I’m one of the few people who remembered it was his birthday even though we aren’t close, not because he’s truly sorry.  If he were really sorry, he would have actually invited me over to play Cranium with his gang, not tell me how much he misses when we played Cranium (it’s not an issue of lack of skill on my part; I am fantastic at Cranium).  It was nice of him to invite me to Rookie’s with Chelsea though.  It’s probably partly my fault too, but it’s hard to be friends with someone who has little interest in hanging out with you.

Which I don’t understand that either.  I’ll admit to having plenty of faults, but at the end of the day, I’m a pretty cool person to hang out with.  I’m fantastic at board games and dancing, more than willing to make a fool out of myself at kareoke, I keep secrets, I drink beer (and I can hold my liquor, thank you), my pool and bowling skills have improved considerably, I’m awake at any hour, I don’t cause drama…..

The sad thing is that he’s not the only one.  The chem girls invited Steph to sit at their table for Senior Ball.  Steph, who doesn’t dance and has a long history of drama with them and is really only interested in having sex with Kendra, her girlfriend/my best friend at college.  (Steph turned the offer down due to the long history of drama) I’m beyond insulted that they didn’t ask me because I’m much cooler, my date and I are as hardcore dancers as they are, and I only have a short history of drama with them and I’ve completely forgiven and moved on while Steph and Kendra haven’t quite.  And they’re friends with John, my date (we aren’t a couple so they wouldn’t have had to worry about us making out all night).

Whatever, we have a table now and we’ll have a good time.  I’m still working on something to do after Senior Ball because I’m not cool enough to have real plans.

Another thing that’s bothering me…..I had lunch today with Kendra, Steph and Rich.  Lots of anti-semetic jokes.  I went along with it and even participated because it was all in good humor, but it’s something they’ve been doing with much more frequency and it’s really bothering me.  I hate people making light of something that means so much to me (one point in Matt’s favor is that this is something he’d understand….if we were good enough friends that I could talk to him).  It’s funny because I find myself not reacting as much to the jokes and comments themselves (I can’t get excited about the old "Cheap Jew" or "Jewish nose" or "Jews having all the money and the media" or "You hate lesbians" crap even if they were serious, which they aren’t, because there’s real terrorists out there who actually want to kill us), but I’m reacting more to the fact that my BEST FRIEND is the one saying this.  I wonder if this is perhaps her way of telling me that after four years at college, she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore….

Then again, she’s not exactly unique.  My best friends from home also have that asshole tendency to say anti-semetic and racist things even more often and they’re Jewish too and it bothers me just as much, but in a different way I think.

Conclusions?

• I am drawn to people who make asshole comments.
• People who make asshole comments are drawn to me.
• You know you are good friends with someone when they are an asshole to you.  No, I’m not being facetious….in all seriousness, you know you’ve got secure friends when either you or your friends can be an asshole because you/they know you/they won’t end the friendship.

It occurs to me that perhaps I am the asshole because I’m the one talking about my friends behind their backs….

ha, this journal may prove to be even more self-incriminating than I thought…