Frantic Hedonism

Funny how I couldn’t spill on my own computer (which has a great deal of security) or the public computers (which has security in the sense that no one would actually read it), but I am spilling on Anna’s computer, which she is guaranteed to read.
 
I’ve been adopting something of a frantic hedonist lifestyle lately. If there’s any chance that the weather would be halfway decent, I strip out of my warm layers, throw on something cleavage baring, and run outside. I down my drinks quickly, as though the alcohol might evaporate if I leave them for too long. I know my time is limited, and hence, I grow angry with people who waste my time with mere conversation instead of going dancing or karaoke. I want my needs for friendship filled instantly. I can’t stand being lonely or horny (the former being much easier to rectify than the latter, which always goes un-rectified). If I am in a phone conversation I don’t like, even if it with a person I like a great deal (i.e. my mom, my best friend from home, my pseudo-boyfriend) I count the seconds until it is over and I can do something more enjoyable. My head is filled with songs and daydreams, not of anything profound or useful. I want the beat faster, the volume turned ear-splittingly louder, and I don’t give a shit if you’re sleeping or studying because my time is running out and I’m not wasting the moment.
 
The funny thing is that I don’t even believe in hedonism. I know that lifestyle is going to crash and burn. I know that you can’t live so selfishly, in isolation of anything or anyone else. I even daydream about living my life with more meaning. I’m intending to grow up into a more responsible adult, be a wife and mother and contributing member of society. Like I’m not in Peter Pan mode of Neverland and “I won’t grow up,” but rather, I know I’m growing up and time is running out very very quicky and I’m running out of time to be dumb and stupid and living it up.

I gotta go.  I guess Anna will get a good read, haha.