oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain

things have been bad since i last wrote. i spend most days curled in bed staring at the wall until it’s time to go to work.  i’ve felt unbearably useless, unable to ever find a job in my major or a job in anything other than gymnastics, for that matter.  i’ve applied to seriously hundreds of reception/administrative jobs and have heard basically nothing.  i was in the top 3 out of 300 for this insurance job, but they took down one of my reference numbers wrong when they called and by the time i got their email about it days later (i was without power for a week due to a crazy halloween snowstorm), they had already contacted everyone and decided.  things with the boy have felt stagnant, i just always want to be alone and i’m giving him so little.  i can’t decide if i don’t have feelings for him or if it’s just that i can’t feel.

so i’ve decided that i HAVE to start being/feeling productive again.  i ordered fluenz and i’m going to learn spanish (i’m not a beginner, i went up to AP spanish 5 in high school) because a) i miss learning and b) 90% of jobs out there right now, regardless of category, either require or prefer spanish/english bilingual.

i’m also considering doing an accelerated nursing program…one of my team parents got me thinking about it and i’ve been doing tons of research.  here’s what would happen: i would take genetics online at mcc next semester because that’s the only pre req i don’t have, then i’d apply (about half of applicants get in, but it is mostly based on your GPA, background in the sciences, and letters of reference so i’m pretty confident).  i would still be able to do my nanny job this summer and keep working at gymnastics up until the program starts in jan 2013.  i’m really nervous about not really being able to work much for a year and really nervous about if i could handle to actual hands-on work of a nurse, but i feel like i can be desensitized to anything.

i really, really like the idea that i wouldn’t have worked my ass off through all the sciences for nothing. and it’s almost full placement into jobs upon completion of the uconn program. and seriously awesome salary potential compared to anything else i could do.

i just don’t want to
a) pay to take genetics next semester and go through the whole application process and getting letters of reference and such and then not get into to program
b) get into the program and invest 30 grand only to find out that i can’t handle it (this is the bigger fear)

someone just tell me what to do.