My darkest Secret of having Hepatitis B

My life has change the moment I discovered that I have a Hepatitis B.

I was applying for a job way back 2015 when I find out I have this disease when the company ask to have Medical requirements.

At first I was shock and told myself impossible , I cant have it because I’m a virgin and not in a relationship. So i decided to get a second

blood testing and the result was still the same. At that moment I knew my life would change. First thing I did is that I research about Hepatitis B and lots of things I discovered that made me more anxious. I asked myself ” Am I gonna die young?”. My dreams of becoming a doctor or working in a big company just fades all of my achievements in the past were suddenly became nothing, How can I continue to live having this. In the society that I am in people discriminate and feel disgusted of this kind of disease because it is contagious. I felt so small and down. When I reach home I ask my parents why do I have this kind of disease . I cried a lot then mom and dad confessed that mom has it and she pass it on to me since birth. It is a mother -child transmission. I felt so betrayed that at some point I needed someone to blame. They said it was nothing and everything will be normal but no it will never be normal. I asked them if I was vaccinated for protection they said yes, once. In my research a baby should be vaccinated and monitored yearly and given another dose, but they didn’t do it because they don’t know and they also felt embarrassed to go to the doctor. In my country it is still a stigma.

At that time I dont know how to live my life. I was afraid to apply again in a job because I am afraid people will know that I have this in me and I was scared because in the office they have annual blood testing ,I don’t want them to ridicule me. Few years later, I applied as an HR supervisor in a big warehouse company. I applied because maybe they wont ask about medical of hepatitis since its a private sector, I got hired and worked for a couple of months, but little did I know that they will also have the blood testing, I was again became anxious and got panic. So I decided to resign. I decided to work from home as an ESL teacher though I get small salary I was in peace. This disease has change me a lot, The girl whose very confident and goal getter has change.

Years passed , I met the man I fell in love with through online dating. I was very scared and hesitant if I will have a relationship or not because I don’t want to risk my partner. The moment he confesses that he also love me, I told him about my disease. I really thought he would back off, I’ve met men online who does al of it and I cant blame them. I know how risky it is, but this man proved me wrong after three months he flew and decided to meet me. He got his first vaccine of hepatitis because when he was born his parents doesn’t want him to be vaccinated with hepatitis. I was so scared and hesitant at first he said he also research about it and we can use alternative which is condom, We were very careful since it was his first vaccination . The first week he felt something in his stomach so I felt overthinking what if? also him even he doesn’t tell me I know he feels worried, so I told him to go to the clinic and check if he has it. Gladly it was nothing the result was negative, I was a bit hurt because It means maybe he felt disgusted now and backing off. To be honest I did not enjoyed my first experience because whenever we have sex all I think and worried about is what  if I will pass it to him. I felt like he also feels the same, When he went back to his country he also took the second dose of vaccine, He wanted me to live in his country I dont know if he just forced to do it because he promised me or he genuinely wants to do it. Until now I still worried about it but he always reminds me not to and its not a big deal. Am I just overthinking or I don’t know if he truly loves me or just forced because he’s in the situation already. I feel that our relationship change after we met. It’s very hard to have Long distance relationship.