My Heart Hurts

Hello:

Well if you read the last entry you know the background on the guy I am/was seeing.  Since that entry we were supposed to take a break but the break lasted all of a couple of days and we were back strong.  I love this man with everything I have and I am holding back the tears as I am typing this.  This man treats me like a queen and is so loving and respectful and God-fearing and that’s why this is soo hard.

Valentines’s Day was amazing.  I haven’t had a an amazing Valentine’s Day because of a man ever, now that I think about it.  He sent a dozen pink roses to my job and I was all smiles.  It was such a pleasant surprise.  The card was sweet "These flowers will appear as mere weeds, once in your presence."  Anyway, he had to chaperone a school dance(he is an educator) so I cooked dinner for us.  We ate by candlelight and he brough me a pair of Coach sunglasses (I LOVE Coach) so that was a nice surprise.  We ended the eveving by making love and going to sleep.

We spent this past weekend together and we just enjoyed each other’s company.  Friday night we slept and made love and Saturday we lierally just stayed in bed all day and slept and cuddled.  Sunday we woke up and went to church and then he took me to dinner.  We came back to his place and he went to sleep and when he woke up he said we needed to talk.

My stomach turned because I knew his fears and all that must be resurfacing.  I don’t think it goes away we just act like it doesn’t exist and keep going.  Anyway, he told me that he loved me and that I was everything but he was still not ready and that he was scared to loose me because he is not ready but he has to take the time to "get ready and heal" He his religious so he tends to get convicted at times when we make love because we are not married.  He told me he felt like he was leading me to do wrong and he loves me so he can’t have that on his heart ..blah blah.  Anyway I tried to tell him I wanted to make love as much as he did and I couldn’t blame him for that and blah blah.

Anyway, I was hurt because I cannot imagine us not being together, not spending weekends togethers holdimg each other, not holding hands while we are in church, his sweet I love’ u’s.  I tried to keep my composure, which I am really good at doing because I tend to only cry alone even at funerals or anything but I couldn’t. He told me he didn’t want to do this but he doesn’t know what else we can do.  We hugged as we lay in bed and I broke down.  I cried and he wiped my tears, and kissed my face and he cried too.  It was soo hard.  I wanted to leave but I didn’t want to leave.  I couldn’t really talk I just told him I loved him too but it hurts.  I wiped his tears and I eventually fell asleep. 

 This morning I fought the tears, he was so down and he just held me and he asked was I okay and I told him I was and he said "I’m not."  He got ready for work and we left together and he walked me to my car and told me how much he loved me and we kissed and I left.  Needless to say, I cried all the way home, not hard but just constant  tears.  I took the day off and he has been so worrieed about me today and down and I just don’t know.  He told me he felt like he was doing the right thing but he has doubts the size of dump trunks because he just feels like every decision is hurting me and every decision he wanted to make was to avoid hurting me.  He is still the sweetest man I know and I love him, and I don’t know what the furure holds but ..My Heart Hurts.  Thanks for reading!