Does it ever end?

Hello Yall (That’s for you Mr_A)

It’s interesting that I just mentioned in my previous entry that I have been wanting to talk to Jay about us and everything that happened..Because Monday night he called me.

Jay called and he was like he wanted us to get back together, I just sort of held the phone in disbelief.  He went on to say he doesn’t care if we have to start over he was willing to do whatever it takes.  He told me I didn’t have to kiss him if I din’t want to he just wanted to start over and date..He said he just wanted to see me.  I am still holding the phone like..WHAT???  Anyway, to make a long convo short he talked about how I hurt him and how good we used to be , how I made him feel..ect.  He told me he missed me and he feels like something is missing in his life..I finally asked him where is all this coming from and told him it’s always one extreme or another with him and that it’s always all or nothing and I just didn’t get it.  He told that even when he doesn’t call, he ‘s thinking of me and it took him a long time to step up to the plate because he doesn’t like rejection..Anyway he asked me would I consider going out with him on Friday no strings..I didn’t say no, but I couldn’t say Yes.  Before we got off the phone he told me he loved me.  I just said bye.  For some reason, I can never find the right words to say when it comes to him and I get of the phone wishing I would have said this or that.  I just don’t understand, there is so much I want to say, so much I need to say.  I have to commit to getting everything off my chest.  I have a notebook with pages of things I wanted to tell him and never found the words or had the chance.  The time is now, I know that.

I can’t go backwards and Jay is still the same.  I do still care about him and I think about him all the time but that is all it should ever be ..a thought.  I have had time to think about his proposal for a date and my answer at this time is No.  I know he knows it tore me up to hurt him like that by sleeping with Steve but I felt alone in that relationship long before I slept with Steve that is why I found comfort in Steve’s bed.  Isn’t Jay scared that I would do that again…I don’t know if he is, but I am.  I have not shaken Steve out of my system and it has not been that long since Steve and I have slept together.  (They don’t really talk to often so he may not know, on the other hand I don’t put anything pass them.)  I think that is another reason why I can’t go back.  I feel like I am the game piece in the game "Whose f*cking secretlife78?"! I  don’t want to feel like that but I do.  With the two of them, I guess I always will because I put myself in that situation. I can sleep with Steve because I know that is all it is…great sex.  With Jay if I put myself in that situation it would be for love (clearly , because the sex is not that great).  We  can’t go back to love, maybe we were never all the way there in the first place.  Okay, the Jay rant session is over.

Bert- (The old office fling with the new baby)  Anyway, I called him yesterday and he was sooo happy I called and made all these jokes about me FINALLY calling.  He said my phone call made his day.  It was nice to talk to him.  He has not seen my new house so he asked if him and his homeboy could come by today.  I said that was fine.  I might offer up dinner …maybe!  I took out some porkchops and I was going to have mac and cheese and string beans.  I may share.  Who knows?  He has all sort of baby mama drama and I feel sorry for him and I wish him the best in his complicated situation.  I’ll keep you guys posted , if he actually comes by.  You never know with him.

Well, Thanks for reading!  Comments Appreciated!