this year

It’s been a year. I sit here and try to put a smile on my face yet I’m so angry. I’m so angry that I’m here again. I have to perform. Just last month I had a vision for myself. I had plans. I had comfort I had direction. Stability. Today it’s all gone and I find myself angry and bitter. I’m angry that I was swayed into a fantasy that sounded nice. Sounded good. But I think I knew it all along it wasn’t real. I heard the things I wanted to see. I looked for the the hints the words I wanted to see / hear. He never said them and if I’m being honest with myself he said the complete opposite of them. Yet there I was waiting. Wanting. Hoping. What was I waiting for. Why. I was waiting to be chosen. To be chosen for the sake of being chosen. Why did I want that so bad over everything. Over myself and what I want from someone.
The idea of someone. It’s a real thing. Being in love with the idea of someone’s potential. Not their individual potential but their potential for you towards you. That was what kept me waiting. The thing is. There were never any signs of any of it. Sure he was is great as an individual but I know what doesn’t mean he was great for me. I guess I simply wanted to witness his greatness to be part of that greatness and maybe that made me great somehow. How is it that I’m able to say that or even acknowledge it but yet I can’t accept that I had to let him go. We weren’t a match but for years I was hopeful. The love I feel for him what do I do with it now. Where do I place it. How do I go about hiding it now. And why must I. How do I get past it. We all know it’ll happen again. You will love again. You will meet someone new. Yes I’m sure I will. I always have but over the years I have proven to myself that there is no one like him for me. I simply have not been able to find anyone who I can even say I’ve loved as much as him. That’s the saddest part of it to be honest. Over the course of my adult life he or the idea of him has been everything I’ve wanted and now what. He walks out of my life and I get to do what. I don’t know. I don’t know what to even think of now. I’m simply lost.