In my head

I live in my head. I have since I can remember. I play all things and everything over and over in my head all day and sometimes all night. When I wake I play a different story one that leads me into my dreams and then I dream about it. I can’t sleep lately. My thoughts consume my days and my nights. Thoughts about the life I think I want. But do I really want it. I’m unsure. I’m unsure of everything these days. I thought about blogging but why. I thought about writing but I don’t have the energy to do so anymore. I try to read during the day but my mind won’t stop racing. I can’t help but think that this isn’t normal. That I am not normal. Why does Eve get to have fun outside. I hear music. Kids screaming and running. Playing in the streets yet I’m consumed in my thoughts on this couch. How did I even get here. I turned 40 this year. I remember being a happy girl though I do remember having bouts of extreme sadness. Those just kept coming over the years to the point where I now recognize what it is. Medication helps a bit. It just makes me numb to the physical feelings of sadness though. It doesn’t stop my racing brain. Is there a pill that can do that? Is there a pill that can make me forget I wonder. Is there a pill that can truly make me happy. I don’t know where the sadness come from. I am young for all intents and purposes. I am healthy. I am in shape. I have a home. Financial stability. A job. A car. Food in my fridge a pretty Christmas tree in the living room. A few friends I can call when I need to stop the thoughts in my brain but then the night comes and I realize I would give it all up if I could just be happy. I would trade it all in for  in exchange for having someone to share life with. How odd are things. Some of us have none of those things but have someone by their side. This is when I think I’m doing it all wrong. All of it. How can I be so successful at all things in life but not the important things. Isn’t that a shame. I never learned to do the things that matter.
I push people away. I just the ones I love. I’m closed of and I’m cold. I take and don’t know how to give. These are all the things I’ve been able to come up with. I’m sure there’s more to it. Plenty more. The truth is I just lack the important things in life and that is how I lose the important people in life. At 40 you would think that I’d deem it important enough to learn or make it better. Yet I am here again today. Another relationship failed to the same exact nuances as always. I love too hard and I simply want to be loved the same back. But I don’t do it right. I keep getting it wrong.
Maybe I can learn it one day but I know today won’t be the day. I am too hurt today.