It’s times like this

That I feel the most lonely. I’m not really feeling suicidal, right now, so I guess I should count my blessings. But when I’m in the chat, with only Mel and Hannah, I feel as good as being 5,000 miles away from everyone in my life.

 

 

 

It’s not that I don’t adore Hannah and Mel; I do. They’re such fantastic friends. But being with the two of them, without Dani or at least Mary, I feel…well, the best way to put it is I feel like a third wheel. Which is odd, in hindsight, seeing as our whole group is very close and we’re all just friends.

 

 

 

However, I feel like they just…love and appreciate each other more than they do me. And it’s a crappy feeling. I’m probably being a hypocrite, seeing as Dani and I are closer and prefer each other to anyone else, but…we try to be subtle about it and we do our best not to make anyone feel as if we value you them under each other. Does that make sense? I don’t feel like Mel and Hannah put that much courtesy into it. They just say these things that throw in my face, again and again, "we don’t love you as much as each other. We’d be a lot happier alone, without you. We’re closer to each other than either of us are to you. We know everything about each other, and you know nothing."

 

 

 

And it’s a shit feeling.

 

 

 

I’ve just been feeling so alone lately, and none of this is helping. And I’m scared. I won’t make my life out to be this horrible, friendless mess, but to say I have friends that I feel an actual emotional connection to would be…well, a lie.

 

 

 

I have Halie, Sabrina, Megan, Meghan, and Taylor. So, I’m not friendless, but…I dunno. They have people they prefer to me, put over me, are closer to, trust more. And right now, I’m just having a major case of "second-choice syndrome", as I’ve taken to calling it. And I think that’s the loneliest feeling in the world, knowing that, out of all these people you know so much, you only come second, third, fourth in their line of friends, and even further down should you include their family.

 

 

 

I’m tired of feeling alone all the time. Even when I’m with people I know love me, even when I’m around my friends and family and they’re focused on me and talking to me, I feel alone. And I’m tired of feeling alone. I really just want this constant lingering loneliness to stop, so I can move on and stop with my pity parties. I wish I could just curl up in my bed and sleep for the next few years. That’d be easier than dealing with all these feelings that never seem to stop. I just…want to feel loved. But I can’t do that, because I push people away without meaning to.

 

 

 

Yeah, my story is the most cliche in the book. "I’m lonely and can’t stop pushing people away." And I wish it actually felt that simple.

 

 

 

And I wish I could stop going to bed at night praying to die in my sleep.

 

 

 

And for those of you who have left notes on my past few entries, thank you. I really do appreciate it, and I love the support and you guys so much. I swear I’m not ignoring them. I just don’t know exactly how to reply.

 

 

But thank you for reading. It’s nice to know someone cares enough to read my ramblings.