Trying

I made an appointment to see a counselor tomorrow. *sigh*. We’ll see how it goes. She remembers me from last year. I came once and then I never went again.

I kinda feel relieved that I’m trying to get help.

I feel horrible today physically. blech. I tried to take a test this morning and I didn’t really know what I was doing because I’m behind in the class and I just gave up trying to study. I cannot cram Chemistry in my head in one night. Doesn’t work.

well, I told Jordan that I missed him and didn’t want to lose him to someone else. He and I haven’t really talked about getting back together though… I feel like I made a mistake, telling him I just wanted to be friends. Because it seemed like the easy way out. I’m always looking for the easy way out.

I want to be with him, but I need to fix myself first. At least I feel like I need to be better for him. He wants me to be happy for me. You don’t find too many guys that say that. I really don;t want to lose him. I dunno why I’m so afraid of it. Maybe because my last two best friends stop being my friend because of mistakes I’d made.

I’m not good at friendships or relationships apparenty. But I want to fight for Jordan. I want to continue to talk to him. Even through this hard time. I want this depression to end. I want to make myself better. I want to take care of myself. It’ll take a lot of work. And I am the laziest person ever, which makes it even harder.

But I want to try.

Hopefully the counselling tomorrow will go well.